A Walk to Eternity
by AlwaysAndForever13
Summary: Bella has a secret she doesn't want anyone to know about. She's been diagnosed with Leukemia and she doesn't know how much longer she will live. What happens when someone has to make the decision of life and death for her? Will he be able to? ExB
1. Drops of Jupiter

A/N: Bella was diagnosed with Leukemia two years ago. She has been living with Charlie for a year. So you know I got this idea from A Walk to Remember:) So i hope you like it!

I don't own anything believe me.

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"Bella, it's time to get up and get ready for school! It's the first day!" Charlie yelled through my closed door.

What he didn't know is that I've been up for the past hour looking at myself in the mirror. This summer was the last summer of my chemotherapy. Even if the doctors thought it was a bad choice, I gave up. My hair was still a lot shorter then it was at the end of school, but no one would notice because of the hair extensions. They would just think I got it cut when I was in Phoenix with my mother.

Once things started to get serious with my leukemia, I knew I needed to spend more time with Charlie before _it_ happened. In hopes of getting quality time with Charlie, I transferred to the local high school, only going to my mother's for long holidays and summers. It was difficult at first being away from her but it was something I had to do.

When I decided to stop treatment there was hell to pay at each household. They both, and my doctors, all said that treatment was my only hope if I wanted to live. They both said the longer I do this the longer I'm going to live. But they don't see how much chemo affects me. I always had abdomen pain, random chills, nausea; also a lot of my skin was dry and irritating. I was so sick of it, and I figured I was going to go sometime right? So I might as well make my last days, weeks, months, and years, matter to me. Make them the way I want them to be, not some doctor.

I sighed looking at my short hair and then turned around to pull on some jeans and a midnight blue sweater for the first day of school. Ugh if I'm going to die soon, why do I need to go to school?

Well, according to Jessica, one of my best friends, going to school today was top priority because of the arrival of _five_ new students. All of whom were adopted.

I, of course, didn't care. What's the point of getting close to someone I'd have to leave? Jessica, however, thought that this was _huge_! We never get new students in Forks, probably due to the constant rain.

I made my way downstairs to grab something to eat before I had to leave for school. When I got there, though, nothing looked good. I sighed and just walked out the door, grabbing my bag on the way.

I got into the truck Billy and Jacob gave to us this past spring and turned on the engine. A loud cracking sound happened, like always. But I didn't complain, because the dying old truck reminded me of me. Fighting just to start up.

When I got to school not many people were there. I did see Tyler's van parked, so I got out and walked up to his car noticing he was still sitting in it.

"Hey Bells. How was your summer in Arizona?" he asked as I opened up the passenger door.

"Same as it was last year. It was hot, and sunny," I said depressingly. I still haven't gotten used to the fact that the sun never shines here. "Did the new students arrive yet?"

He shrugged. "How should I know? They probably have the same type of car we all have, so how would anyone know?" He paused and then unbuckled his seat belt signaling that he was ready to meet up with the others

We both got out his car and made our way across the parking lot to sit on a picnic bench. Surprisingly it wasn't raining, but it was just as gloomy as ever. Jessica, followed by Angela, joined us shortly after.

"Bella!" Jessica and Angela yelled running over to hug me. "You're finally back! I thought you said you would be back a week ago so we could hang out before school," Jessica said. "We have loads to talk about."

I smiled and shrugged. "I wanted to spend a little bit more time with my mom and her fiancé." Man, telling everyone would be a ton easier.

"How are Renee and Phil? Are they getting married soon?" Angela asked.

"Yea, they are going to get married in Sept-"

"Oh my _god_! Look at that car!" Jessica said elbowing me. I groaned, thinking about the bruise that was going to appear there.

All of our heads turned to follow her. There was a silver, shiny Volvo parking right across from where we were sitting. "I bet those are the new kids," Tyler whispered to me."

Sure enough, five people got out of the car and looked curiously around the parking lot. There were three males, one with brown hair (extremely tall and muscular), one with blond hair (not as big, but still tall and toned)and the last one had reddish-brown hair (just a little shorter than the blonde but still looked powerful). There were two females, one with blond hair (Sharp features) and one with short brown hair that sort of spiked out (pixie looking). They were all extremely _pale_, I mean they made me look tan and I was practically half albino.

"Who are they?" Angela asked in awe.

"They look _scary_," Tyler said next to me.

"Whoa," Jessica said.

I just sat there. I tried to say something, but no words came to mind. It was just that they were so different, so beautiful, it was weird. I've never seen anyone like them.

The blond boy grabbed the pixie's hand and as the big buff guy wrapped his arm around the blond girl, but the smallest one stood behind them all smirking at something. Then they all gracefully walked away.

"Are those the new kids?" Mike asked behind us.

Jessica and Tyler nodded, still staring off to where they were.

"Whoa, they seem to know how to make an entrance, huh?" Mike asked me, suddenly standing in front of me.

I opened my mouth, but I doubted I could say anything, so I just nodded.

"Um, how was your summer Bella?"

I cleared my throat before answering. "Good, same old, same old. How was yours?"

"Great. The store is getting some good business," he said proudly.

"That's good."

"So what's your first class?"

"Um," I started looking at my schedule, "English, then History, then I have break, then Spanish, Trig, Lunch, Biology, and Gym."

"Hey I have English, Biology and Gym with you," he said excitedly.

I smiled and nodded. _Great,_ I thought, _now he's going to be all over me like a lost puppy._ It wasn't like I didn't like Mike, but he was just so loyal that he reminded me of a golden retriever.

Jessica always told me how much Mike must like me to be like this, but I told her a dozen of times I don't feel that way, and I _don't_ date. I can't date, actually. I don't want anyone to get to close to me now that my time is numbered.

We all started to part at that moment. Tyler and Angela were walking off towards the Biology building, Jessica towards the Gym, and Eric running up next to Mike and me as we all made our way to English.

"So did you guys see the new kids?" Eric asked as we made our way to our seats.

Mike scoffed. "Yea, nothing special."

"That's not what I heard," Eric said smirking.

"What did you hear? They've been here for five minutes," I chimed in.

"Bells, you should know by now that news travels fast in a school this small. Remember the day you came to school? We all knew your name by second period!"

"That's true," Mike said nodding his head. "So what did you hear Eric?"

"All the girls want to get with the Cullen boy's, which is the family's last name except for Rosalie and Jasper Hale. The others are Emmett, Edward and Alice Cullen. I don't really know which is which but those are the names," he said smugly.

"How you hear all this, I will never understand," I said shaking my head in disbelief as the teacher called order to the class.

I didn't see the Cullen's or Hale's for the first half of the day. Jessica said that Alice call, the pixie girl, was in her second period class.

"She seemed very focused, it seemed like. But like not on the teacher you know? Like she was waiting for something to happen. She's quite odd," she said on our way to lunch. "Have you had any classes with them?"

I shook my head. "I'm sure we will have lunch with all of them.

Sure enough, when we got into the cafeteria, they were all there. They all had a plate of food in front of them, but they weren't eating it. Instead they were just staring off in all different directions.

_They are odd,_ I found myself thinking. But I couldn't help notice how beautiful they all were. It was like they were Inhuman.

When we all sat down at our table; conversations of the summer started immediately. My appetite was lost at the idea of having to tell them my summer consisted of another round of chemo and a sudden decision to stop treatment on my part would be an immediate conversation killer. So instead I just stared at my food, picking it apart and pushing it around so as not to catch anyone's attention.

My eyes started to casually wonder through the crowds of people sitting and laughing with their friends, and then my eyes wandered to the Cullen's table. They were still all looking off into different spots.

I tilted my head a little to the side, trying to figure them out. They weren't talking with each other, and they seemed to be avoiding eye contact with anyone, not even themselves.

Suddenly one of the guys looked up and locked eyes with me. It scared me, but not the way it should have. I felt like he was trying to warn me off, but I was too stunned by his attention to me. Attention that I wanted from him.

"Hello, Bella, are you okay?" Angela's voice called to me.

I suddenly snapped back into reality and looked back down at the table feeling the blood rush to my cheeks. "What? Sorry, I didn't catch that…" I said breathlessly.

Jessica giggled next to me. "That's because you were caught staring at Edward."

"Who's Edward?" I asked.

"Edward Cullen, the boy with the reddish-brown hair over there," she said nodding her head to their table. "How did you not know? He's the single one of the group."

"I told you I don't date."

She sighed, frustrated. "And I told you, I don't understand why! Why wouldn't you want to go out _Edward Cullen?_ Look at him! He's gorgeous!"

I rolled my eyes at her. I would love to be able to do all this normal teenage girl stuff, but I just couldn't. "Ange, what were you saying?" I said trying to change the conversation.

"Oh, right, I was asking when your mom is getting married. You never told me this morning," she said.

"Her and Phil's wedding is on September 23."

"Wow, that's happening soon. Are you going home for the wedding?"

"Of course, I'm going to be the maid of honor," I said happily. "I was trying on a ton of dresses over the summer. It was torture!" I grimaced.

"Oh Bella, you're such a drama queen. You are probably the only girl who hates to try on dresses!" Jessica exclaimed.

I scoffed as we all got up to throw away our trash. On our way out of the cafeteria, I got one last glimpse of Edward as he made his way to one of the buildings for the sixth hour. If only…

Mike and I got into Biology just in time. Mr. Banner was already assigning seats for the rest of the year. Mike got to sit next to a girl named Molly Worst, who had glasses and short blond hair. He gave me a wary look as he went to his desk.

"Isabella Swan and Edward Cullen," Mr. Banner said pointing to the seats.

My eyes went wide as I made my way back to the desk in the last row of the right side of the room. On my way there, however, I tripped over Nicole Nova's bag. Luckily I was able to catch myself, but I did notice her giggling quietly to herself.

As if my life wasn't complicated enough. I'd probably kill myself just by being a klutz before the cancer gets me…

As I sat down I quickly glanced at Edward hoping he didn't see my trip right in front of him. When I looked at him though I almost jumped out of my seat, well I would have if my feet didn't feel like they were attached to the floor.

He looked like he was in pain of some sorts. His hands were gripping the desk so tightly I though he might actually break it. His eyes were so dark; they looked black against his skin. They were glaring at the top of the table. He had purple bruises under his eyes. Yet after all of this, he was still beautiful. It didn't seem right.

I quickly looked away from him and put my hair over my shoulders to make a curtain for myself. As I looked through my hair though, I saw him looking down on me. Like he was trying to figure something out; like he wanted to eat me. Weird.

Every time I looked up at the board I could feel his eye burning into me. And every time I looked over to him through my hair, he was glaring at me with such a hatred I wondered if existing was some major sin. This class couldn't be over fast enough.

I looked around the room to see if anyone else noticed the disgust that filled his eyes as he stared at me but no one was looking at us. Not even the pair besides us. They were all paying attention to whatever Mr. Banner was talking to us about.

Maybe my mind was just playing tricks on me. Maybe I was just imagining all of this, or maybe I was still sleeping in my bed and this was just some bizarre dream that seems so real.

Well, it was confirmed that I was not dreaming when Mike and I made our way over to gym. We were playing dodge ball for the day and when one of the boys on the other team hit me, I felt the pain in my arm so I knew I couldn't be dreaming.

But maybe I was still just imagining things with Edward. Maybe he was just wondering why I was acting this way around him. Maybe I was the freak to him. Well, that's _much_ better. Ugh. It's not like I was exactly normal.

"Bella, are you okay? You got hit pretty hard by Dustin," Mike asked me after class.

"Yea, I'm fine. I just wasn't expecting it, you know?"

He nodded as he opened up the gym doors. The cold breeze hit my face making my hair wave behind me. It felt so nice. The smell of the rain lingered in the air. It was one of my favorite things about Forks.

"So did you stab Edward Cullen with a pencil, or what?" Mike asked as we walked across the parking lot to our cars.

_Great, so I wasn't imagining it. And he really does hate me, _I thought to myself. "Um, no I didn't. I guess he just doesn't like me."

"Why? What did you do?" Mike asked offensively.

I raised my eyebrow as I unlocked my door. "I don't know and I really don't care." I opened my door and started to climb in. "Sorry Mike, but I'm exhausted. I really just need to get home and rest. The first day is always the worst."

He nodding, thinking I was just talking about spending seven hours in school was too long a day after two and half months of summer vacation. What he didn't realize was that I was exhausted from just being active all day. I'll probably go home and sleep till tomorrow, and I was just fine with that.

I just wanted to forget Edward, and everything he makes me feel, even if he doesn't feel that way. _Its better this way,_ the little voice in my head said,_ it's one less person you will hurt. It'll be easier this way. _

I knew the voice was right, but I just wanted a chance.

* * *

A/N: Tell me what you think of it and if I should continue!


	2. Little House

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! They were amazing! Also a special thanks to Vi0lentSerenity, thanks for all the help!

February 8, 2009

I don't own Twilight or any of its characters, unfortunately. I don't even own Little House by The Fray.

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**Edward's POV**

I walked out of Spanish with Emmett a little faster than most of the students. But I needed to get out of there; I needed to get away from that scent. Get my head clear before I did something stupid.

Her scent continued to fog my mind, making my throat burn with hunger. I clenched my jaw in an attempt to force the surrounding thoughts out of my head, or block them out as I stared intently at my car. I need to keep my thoughts straight until I got home. I'll have to run for it, that way I don't end up hurting my family, but I knew I couldn't.

There was something weird about her scent. The fact that it called to me unlike most, but it smelled faintly contaminated. No, that wasn't a good word for it. It was… different. There was something sick about it, tainted. Like her body was weakened despite her scent being strong. It's like I knew the smell before, but I just couldn't place it. Yes, it still caused my natural instinct to surface, but now that I was thinking a little clearer, I could smell the flaw in it.

Then there was her silence. I spent the class trying to push out her scent but get inside of her mind only to be met with a dead end. It was so frustrating to finally find a hole in my gift, but this was one of the only times I actually wanted to know.

I wanted to know what she thought of me when she saw my black eyes glare at her. I wanted to know why she smelled the way she did. I wanted to know if she was a punishment I deserved for some of the things I did earlier in this life. I wanted to know everything. But why?

_Why would I want to know everything? Or anything for that matter? _I asked myself as I got into my Volvo, followed by my brothers and sisters.

_Edward,_ my sister Alice thought, _are you okay? You haven't talked at all this whole ride._

It was true, we were half way home and I hadn't said a word. Everyone was waiting for me to tell them what I thought of the school, and if any of the students had any interesting thoughts about us. But I couldn't give them a complete answer. I only knew 99.9% of what the other students thought. I was still missing 1.

Once I pulled up to our house, my siblings quickly filed out of my car. As I straighten my back, Alice stood there getting ready to ask her questions. =

"Why are you leaving?" she asked her eyes full of worry.

"I'm not leaving, not yet at least," I said quietly looking down, ashamed at the thought.

"Why would you even think about leaving us? What would make you do such a thing?"

I sighed; I was being a coward. "Alice, you know I wouldn't leave unless it was for the best."

"Why would it be for the best? You can't do this to Esme…or Carlisle. You know you can't."

"Alice I know," I snapped. "You don't understand." I brushed past her and ran quickly escaped to my room hearing Rosalie thoughts about her outfit today, Emmett wondering if he was going to beat Jasper in their rematch, and Jasper worry about what Alice was getting worked up about.

I collapsed onto my couch and stared up at the ceiling. What was I going to tell Carlisle? Would he forgive me for leaving him…_again_? And Esme, what would she have to say?

"So explain it to me" Alice yelled, her face suddenly looking down at me.

I sighed as I sat up, looking at her threw my long eyelashes. "Alice, I don't really know how to explain what happened today." She sat down opposite of me, waiting. "In Biology I was assigned a lab partner. Her name is Isabella Swan."

"The police chief's daughter?" she asked trying to comprehend.

I nodded dryly. "Her scent was intoxicating! When she sat down next to me, I just wanted to _suck_ her dry. She has the sweetest scent I have ever encountered! The monster in me was so close to taking over. I didn't think I could make it through the period, I didn't think I was strong enough. I still don't understand how I was able to stop myself."

"But you made it through. You didn't kill her" She said quickly.

I sighed. "I'm surprised you didn't see all the things that were going through my head."

"What do you mean?"

"I was picturing how to kill her. I was trying to figure out which would the fastest way, but a way where I could still savor the taste." I shook my head disgusted with myself. "Which is why I need to leave. I can't be near her, it isn't safe for anyone."

"But Edward, you didn't kill her. You _are_ strong enough. I know you can do it, you're practically as strong as Carlisle!"

"Alice, that's not all."

"What else could have happened?" she asked surprised.

"I couldn't hear her thoughts."

"What? Why not?"

"I couldn't hear anything she was thinking. Not even a whisper."

"Well, that's extremely odd," she mumbled to herself, thinking about it.

"Also, after I was able to clear my head I noticed something strange about her scent."

"What do you mean?"

"Her blood, it didn't smell healthy. I don't really know how to put it, it just didn't smell like a normal, healthy, human's blood is supposed to smell like," I said trying to put the words together correctly.

"Do you mean she's sick?"

"I'm not sure."

Alice sat there for a few more minutes, mulling over what I just told her, then she stood up and pranced to my door. "Well Edward," she said turning around to look at me, "you cannot leave. You know you will break Esme's heart if you do and you cannot do that to her. You should, however, go to Carlisle and tell him all of this. He might be able to answer your question about not being able to hear her thoughts as well as the one about her scent." Then, she was gone.

I got up off my couch and took off outside, into the rain. I ran to the clearing to hunt. I fed till I was sure the temptation would be lessened. Maybe if I had my fill, I would be able to handle the girl's presences and get the answers I needed.

When I got home from my hunting trip Carlisle and Esme were back. Esme was making a quilt, her new hobby, and Carlisle was waiting for me in his office. No doubt Alice told her about my problem as soon as he got home.

_Edward, I'm glad you're back. Please join me, I would like a word with you,_ he thought as soon as I walked in the door.

I walked up the oak staircase and under the wooden cross to his office. _Please sit, _he thought as I was closing the door.

When I sat he straightened up a little bit in his chair and looked at me thoroughly. "Alice had told me about what happened between you and Isabella Swan today. I must say I am very proud of you."

"_Proud_ of me?" I growled disgusted. "How could you be _proud_ of me? Did Alice tell you exactly what I said?"

He nodded. "Word for word, and yes Edward, I am proud of you. You didn't kill her! Do you remember that Emmett had this same problem year ago, and he didn't last a minute? Not that I was disappointed in him because not many vampires can resist the smell of blood that calls to them."

"You were able to control your instincts, Edward! You saved her life today, how could you not be proud of yourself?"

"You didn't see what I was thinking about doing to her. You didn't see how much I struggled near her. I'm not as strong as you think I am Carlisle. I'm not strong at all."

"Yes you are, son! Every once in awhile _our_ kind thinks of ways to kill some of the people around us, it's only natural! It's the strong ones who can think that, but not act on it."

I shook my head slowly. "I don't know if I could do it again."

He gave a silent chuckle. "Edward, I know you can do it again. You got past the hardest part! Now what was this about not being able to hear her thoughts?"

"I don't know, I couldn't hear a whisper from her."

He nodded slowly. "That's very interesting. We've never seen a hole in your gift before. Strange that it would be a human," he said softly.

I looked at him with a quizzical expression, but I could not understand what he was thinking. _Could it be… was it her… could it happen?_ He thought. Was she what?

"Carlisle, can you tell how sick someone is by the smell of their blood?" I asked him.

Carlisle quickly turned his attention back to me with a wary expression. "Yes, yes I can. Are you afraid that she is sick?"

"Yes."

"What do you mean?"

"Her blood didn't smell right to me. I have a feeling she is sick, but I didn't pick up on anyone else noticing."

"Well Edward she could just have a cold. That's how I can make my diagnosis so easily sometimes."

"It can't be just a cold though Carlisle, humans get colds constantly, I know the difference they make in smell." I said shaking my head.

"What else could it be?"

"I don't know. She looked tired, nauseated, and when I saw her face in other people's eyes I saw the bruises she had on her arms. Also I could tell that she lost her hair earlier in the summer maybe. Cold's don't do that."

"Some could Edward. She may just have the stomach flu. And some people just bruise easily Edward, you know that."

"The stomach flu could make you lose hair?"

"How do you know that she has lost her hair?"

"She has hair extensions Carlisle."

"That doesn't matter; she may have just cut her hair too short and didn't like it after it was done, so she got hair extensions to hide it."

I roll my eyes. "Maybe you're right; I just have a feeling that she's sick, not just with a cold."

He sighed. "Edward, I know what you are thinking and I can't just look into her file unless she is a patient of mine, and you can't either. She may not want anyone to know for a reason, and if she wants you to know let her tell you. Don't intrude."

"I know and I won't. I'm just curious about everything. I want to know why I can't hear her and why her blood calls to me as much as it does."

He sighed, looking up at me. "I know son. It's something we don't have control over. But I can tell that you won't give in to it. You are much stronger than you think you are."

Suddenly my mind was in Alice's new vision. There was a girl, a very beautiful girl, hugging Alice. She had long, straight, chocolate brown hair, and piercing red eyes. She was happy though. At first I didn't recognize her, but then it hit me. It was Bella!

Alice was having a vision of Bella becoming one of us, but why?

I ran downstairs to where she was sitting, smiling happily to herself. "What did you see?" I growled.

"You saw what I saw. Something is going to happen to her to cause this, or someone is going to cause this," she said looking straight at me.

I glared at her. "NO!" I yelled.

Carlisle and Esme came running downstairs, followed by Rosalie, Emmett and Jasper. "What's going on?" Emmett asked.

"Alice, what did you see," Esme asked.

"I saw Bella becoming a vampire. Someone is going to change her, and she's going to be part of our family.

"_She will not be changed into one of us," _I growled

"Yes she will Edward, saw it!"

"Alice, the future can change. It wasn't that clear, so it means it not for sure going to happen. It _won't _happen," I said trying to remain calm.

"Why can't it happen?" Alice challenged me.

"Because she's a human who doesn't need to be changed! I won't just take away her life for nothing."

"But Edward, you said it yourself, something is wrong with her. Maybe my vision is just telling us that something is happening to her that we will need to change her to save her life."

"I'm not condemning her to this. This isn't even a life, Alice. She wouldn't hate all of us for taking her chance to rest."

"Edward, this is a life," Esme said. "If she was going to die, we should do are best to save her."

I looked at her and smiled weakly. "I know we should, but everyone is going to die at some point Esme. For all we know nothing is wrong with her and she will live to be 83."

"Unless we change her," Emmett chimed in.

"We are not going to change her. She will get the chance none of us had."

"But she may not want that," Alice said.

"No one wants to die Alice, everyone is afraid of death. But we shouldn't just assume that she would like this life much more. She will be welcoming death if she became one of us."

"You'll never know, though. Edward, I've seen it. I can tell that this won't change," Alice said quietly.

I shook my head and walked out of the house. I wasn't going to change her, and I would make sure no one else in my family would. She doesn't need to live like this. I will not condemn her to this life.

I ran to the meadow I found many years ago, the first time we came here. It was a nice place to go and think whenever the sun was shining and we couldn't go out into public.

I laid down in the middle of the meadow and started to think about Alice's vision. She was very pretty the way Alice saw her. I think she was even more beautiful than Rosalie. There was something about her that changed more then the way she looked. She seemed happy, well rested, and strong. She looked stronger then she does now. Like she was able to handle whatever was bothering her as a human.

_But she wouldn't want this life,_ I told myself. _No one does._

The next day I went home and got straight into my car. My family joined me shortly after, not mentioning and trying not to think about what happened earlier this morning.

Alice was still being stubborn about this and would not say one word. She wouldn't even look at me.

How could someone so small be so annoying?

When we got to school everyone got out of the car and headed to their first period class. I stayed behind looking out into the forest, hoping my hunt was enough to satisfy my thirst

When I got out, a truck was quickly pulling in, _her truck_. She was late and she knew it. She quickly cut the engine and slammed the door behind her. I study her, trying to catch her scent but it was downwind from me.

She looked tired, very tired. Her eyes were bloodshot and she had dark circle under eyes. She was wearing a short sleeve shirt and where her friend, Jessica, elbowed her yesterday, a nice purple and blue bruise formed.

She hurried into her first period class, English, and disappeared. I sighed; there was no way of knowing, no way.


	3. Broken

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! They were amazing! Once again special thanks to Vi0lentSerenity, you're a great non-official Beta! lol

March 8, 2009

I don't own anything. Not even Broken by Lifehouse.

* * *

I seemed to be floating down a river in my bed, which was slowly reaching the end. My bed and I were falling down a waterfall and my whole body seemed to feel the rush of it before my eyes shot open. I rolled onto my side to look at my clock. Two in the morning and I knew there was no hope of getting back to sleep. I sighed and turn back over to the other side wishing I could just fall back asleep, but I couldn't. I searched the corners of my mind for why I was falling, only to find a faint whisper of a memory.

An earlier dream from the first time I had woken up tonight. It was one that woke me at midnight, but at the time all I could do was roll over before being pulled back into sleep. In the dream I was running away from someone. Someone I didn't really know yet, but, at the same time, I had I feeling I knew him. Edward. He was telling me to follow him, but someone else was telling me to run.

I tried to focus on the voice urging me…but could only hear my own. I was running to him, but away from myself. Away from everything I knew to join the unknown.

His teeth shined in the sunlight, but they looked dangerous. His muscle seemed to show he was much stronger than he let on. He looked terrifying, looking into his eyes, I felt save.

Rolling onto my back I began counting sheep backwards, thinking of those Serta commercials sheep hoping that sleep would set in. 100…99…98… but what if this dream was trying to tell me something. What if I was telling myself to run away, but I knew I couldn't. Was I telling myself that I wanted more out of this life, or that I wanted a different life, and he could offer it to me? Was it a life where I didn't have to shut out anyone who tried to get to close to me because of my sickness? Probably, all I knew was I wanted to run with him.

87…86…85…

Maybe I'm just telling myself that there is more too him, or maybe I was just dreaming about everything that happened in Bio yesterday. Maybe it was me who was acting so hostile.

73…72…71…

I'm looking too far into this. It's just a dream. He doesn't have super human powers. He's just a high school boy. It didn't even look like him. It sort of looked like that Hercules. Maybe I shouldn't eat chocolate before bed.

60…59…58…

My eyes started feeling heavy again. I closed my eyes, but when I did a creepy clown popped into my mind. My eyes shot open again. Though the quickly drooped shut again.

51…50…49…

I groaned and squinted at the sun that was shining threw my curtains. I sat up slowly, not feeling my bones ache, and looked at my clock. Oh crap… I'm late!

I bolted up and threw on the closest and hopefully cleanest pair of jeans that were lying on my rocking chair and struggled into a dark blue t-shirt as I hurried into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Then I grabbed my bag and ran to my truck.

When I got to school, I popped a piece of gum in my mouth and pulled my bag from the seat next to me. Scrambling to my first period, I noticed Edward out of the corner of my eye leaning against his car, staring at me.

He looked different, but I didn't dare look him in the eye, or even stop, so I just picked up my pace so I could disappear into my English class.

There was something different though. His sister was sitting to the seat to the left of me. Why was Alice in this class? She wasn't here yesterday. Was she?

"Bella, what's the Cullen girl doing here? She wasn't here yesterday was she?" Mike whispered to me

I sat down quickly in my chair and shot a quick look to her; she didn't seem to have noticed anything. "No she wasn't, but her schedule might have been changed."

Mike turn around to get a better look at me. "Hey, are you okay? You look extremely tired."

I slipped my hair over my shoulder to draw a curtain over my face so he couldn't stare at my appearance. I knew I should have looked at myself before rushing out the door. "Yea, I just couldn't sleep that much last night."

The truth was that's all I did yesterday. I got home and made dinner for Charlie than I went to my room and slept from 4:30 till midnight, when the first dream woke me up.

"Okay class, settle down," called the teacher.

We all turned our attention to him, or seemed like we did. I couldn't get my mind off of Edward staring fixate on me in the parking lot. He didn't seem as angry as he was yesterday, but he still looked frustrated.

The bell rang an hour later and just like everyday last year, Mike waited for me to get all my things together. Alice got her things together slower than Edward, but faster than anyone else, but for some reason she hung back and followed Mike and I out the door.

"Wow that was boring. Do we really need to read _Withering Heights_?" Mike asked as we made our way to history.

I shrugged. "I actually really like the book. I love how complex all the relationships are. It just a classic book."

He chuckled. "You're kidding? It makes no sense so far. And it's really boring!!"

I brushed him off as he called later to me and made my way into history and he kept on walking to his next period.

The day passed in its typical fashion until I got to lunch. Jessica asked me if I was okay when she caught up with me after class and, like Mike, I told her I was just tired. She also asked me about the bruise on my arm. I told her I bumped into my dresser this morning when I was rushing to get here. Thankfully she bought it, or I might have had to admit that she gave it to me. Maybe I should get some cover up for moments like this.

It was when I entered the cafeteria that it all seemed to change. It seemed like I was just floating around all day, doing what I normally do, but when I walked into the cafeteria, my eyes fell upon Edward's table. He looked up from his food and stared at me and I felt myself pulled to him.

I, of course, quickly looked down and blushed. Then oddest thing was my heart fluttered a little in my chest and I seemed dazed. I shivered involuntary.

When I just bought some water and a fiber bar and walked over to my lunch table, I stole another look in his direction. He wasn't looking at me anymore. He was just staring intently at his food, boredom written across his features

I sighed and started to spin my bottle cap on the table.

"Bells," Jessica said nudging me, "Edward is staring at you."

Angela started giggling, but I ignored her. "Does he look mad or something?" I asked, not daring to look at him again. I may just fall out of my seat.

"Why would he look mad?"

"I don't know, he seemed like he was when he was sitting next to me in Biology yesterday."

"Well, he doesn't seem mad to me," Jessica scoffed.

I rolled my eyes. "It doesn't really matter does it?"

"Of course it does! It's _Edward_ _Cullen_. He's the only one single in the family…and he's gorgeous! They are all gorgeous!

"Jess, for the last time, I don't date. You know that"

She sighed. "I don't get you, Bella. You could have almost any guy in the school and yet you refuse to date."

"I'm a loner, I hate commitment."

"Bella, you're not a loner," Angela said.

"Well I'm not a dater either."

"Come on. Are you just waiting to meet your knight in shining armor, who will rescue you from the highest tower?" Jessica said mockingly. "Bella, you can't wait around for that guy for forever. You need to get out there and try to find that guy yourself."

I faked laughed, hoping she would get the point that I was annoyed. "Jess I gave up on Prince Charming a long time ago."

"Fine."

Angela and I shared a pointed look. I quickly swallowed some water in hopes it would contain my laugh but instead that rushed action was clearly a bad idea as I choked on the sip.

On the way to my seat for Biology, I noticed Edward wasn't there. I relax slightly knowing I wouldn't have to awkwardly sit there again, while he gripped the table and stared with hatred in his eyes.

But the relief quickly dissipated as he strolled into the classroom right before the bell rang. He gracefully walked to our table, moved his chair to ever edge of the table and sat down, not showing any sign of noticing me.

"Calm down class," Mr. Banner said walking into the classroom. "Today I thought we might do a little pre-lab to get us ready for the upcoming year. So today we are going to have you question your lab partner. Because I think as long as the partners can work together well, then there shouldn't be any reason why they can't figure out a lab. So I want ten facts about your partner on my desk by the end of the period, and I want them to be semi-personal. Not her hair is brown. You may begin."

I sighed heavily as I turned my body towards Edward. He was already turned and had his eyes set on me, with a pencil in his right hand.

"Hello," he said in a very velvet voice.

"Hi," I said awkwardly.

"My name is Edward Cullen. Sorry I didn't introduce myself yesterday, just a little nervous on my first day."

I nodded.

"You are Bella Swan, right?"

I nodded again, not sure what I was supposed to ask him.

"Okay, I guess I'll ask first. Why were you late this morning?"

I looked at for a second, not really seeing where he was going with this, but answered anyways. "I was having trouble sleeping last night. Woke up a few times during the night and I guess I was just so tired I didn't hear my alarm clock go off this morning," I rambled nervously.

"I see," he said as he started to write it on the piece of paper.

"Is that supposed to be one of my facts?"

He nodded. "I don't see why not."

I shrugged. "So where are you from originally?" I asked as I picked up my pencil trying to focus on something other then him.

"Originally I'm from Chicago, but I moved here from New Hampshire."

"So you're family moves around a lot?"

He seemed to think about it for a second. "I guess you could say that. With my family, time seems to move slowly"

I looked at him with a quizzical expression, but wrote down his answer anyways as two facts.

"Okay, I'll go twice now. Where did you live before you moved here?"

"Well I was born here."

"But you haven't lived here you're whole life, right? So where did you live before you returned here?"

"How did you know I moved here?"

"Aren't I supposed to be asking you the questions right now?"

"I lived in Phoenix, Arizona, with my mother." He looked at me curiously, so I figured I should explain. "She started dating this guy named Phil and I thought they needed some time to get to know each other without a teenager in the picture, so I decided to visit Charlie," I said rather quickly. I had no idea why I was telling him all this.

He finished writing everything a few seconds after I finished speaking. I glance at his paper and he seemed to have written everything I said.

"What's your favorite season?"

I was sort of taken aback. That question seemed to come out of right field. "Um, I guess I would have to go with summer, because I love the dry warm air."

"Okay, now you may ask your questions."

I thought about for a second. Not sure what to ask him without getting too personal. "Er, what's your favorite color?"

"Midnight Blue."

I wrote it down quickly. I started to chew on the end of my pencil as I stared at my paper trying to think of another question. "You don't need to answer this if you don't want to, but where you actually adopted."

"Yes. My parents," he said quickly, "died in a car accident when I was eight. I was very lucky that Carlisle and Esme wanted me as their son. They've been great parents."

"What's your favorite gemstone?" he asked me.

"Topaz," I said without thinking. I was staring into his eyes as I said this, I barely even realized.

He wrote it without looking at his paper and then spoke again, "What happened to your arm?"

I looked down at it to see it was turning a rather ugly greenish-yellow color now. "I ran into my dresser last night. I'm really clumsy."

He chuckled as he wrote it down. "Okay that makes five for me, and four for you."

"Right, um, so, which of your brothers and sisters are you closest with?"

"Alice, my younger sister; she and I are pretty strange, even for our family. We tend to understand each other better than the others do."

"That's nice to have someone like that."

"So you don't have any brothers or sisters?"

"No, I'm an only child. Sometimes I wish I had a sibling, but with everything that's been happening lately I'm glad I don't.

"What's been going on lately?" he asked frowning slightly.

"Well with my mother getting married in a few weeks, I've been flying back and forth a lot…worrying about another person seems like it would just be too much."

He nodded, staring intensely at me, but with soft eyes. "You should probably ask two questions now."

I snapped out of my daze. "Okay, well, who would you say you get along the least with in your family?"

Edward chuckled when I asked this. "Rosalie."

"Why's that?"

"Well, when she joined the family, I was already with them for a year or two. I wasn't the friendliest to her when she first arrived, and we never seem to agree on anything."

I wrote it down. "Do you and your brothers get into fights a lot?"

"Not at all, I mean we wrestle with each other, but it's nothing serious."

I nodded as I wrote it down.

"." Your truck looks like a death trap, why not get something a little more reliable."

I laughed at him. "I don't really know; my dad got it for me when I moved here. It's perfect for me though. Sometimes it seems like it's going to die, but it never does. It's a fighter, which is why it fits me."

He nodded. "What do you plan on doing after high school?"

_If I make it that long,_ I thought to myself sadly. "I'm not sure yet, I try not to look to far ahead."

"Okay I have one more question and you have three," he said looking up at me after he finished writing my last response.

"Okay, what's your biggest fear?"

"Not being good enough," he said simply.

"For what?"

"Veto."

"I need two more facts about you though," I said hoping he would tell me.

He shook his head. "Maybe I'll tell you one day. Now ask another question."

"Fine. What are you going to do after high school?"

"Move to Alaska probably. It's a very beautiful state."

I wrote it down and concentrated on the paper to ground myself. I couldn't stand looking into his eyes; they seemed to be burning through me.

"What are you hiding from everyone?" he asked me quietly.

I looked up at him shocked. It's like he knew my secret before I even talked to him. "You don't even know me," I said curtly.

"True, but you wear your emotions on your face."

"My mother always told me I was an open book," I said closing my eyes wishing I could lie to him better. It seemed like he was the only person I was having trouble lying to.

"Not true, I find you very hard to read."

I looked up at him and shook my head. "I'm not hiding anything," I said hoping he would get the hint to let it go.

"Okay, what's your number one goal then?"

"I don't really have one."

"Okay," he said slowly, "why don't you date anyone?"

I raised my eyebrow. "How did you know that?"

"I overheard you telling your friend, Jessica, that."

"When?"

He shrugged. "I was walking by your table and heard her rant about it."

"I didn't see you walk past my table today."

"You're not very observant, are you," he asked smiling a crooked smile.

"I just think high school relationships are stupid. They are never going to make it through college, so why bother"

He nodded writing it down. "Your question," he said without looking up this time.

"What is one thing you want to experience before you die?"

He chuckled shaking his head. I could have sworn I heard him say, 'if only'. "Love."

"Love?"

"Yes, I want to fall in love with someone before I die. I want to know what it's like to have to be around someone all the time. I want to know what it's like to know you're truly happy with her. I want to feel like I would rather die than lose her. I want to experience true love."

I stared at him and stared back at me. Even though he was still at the very edge of the table, he seemed to be leaning towards me.

"Okay class, the bell is about to ring so please turn your papers into me," Mr. Banner called from behind us.

Edward grabbed both of our papers and turned them in, and then he came back and sat down. He faced the front, waiting for the bell. Acting exactly like he did when he class started, as if I wasn't sitting here, and we hadn't just been having a conversation. Like this hour never happened.


	4. Dirty Little Secret

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews again! They're great:) Thank you Vi0lentSerenity for all your hard work!

March 15, 2009

I don't own anything, not even Dirty Little Secret by All American Rejects

* * *

Weeks flew by and school seemed as repetitious as ever. With the exception of Edward that is. We still have our awkward moments. The second time we spoke, it was only hello's and then nothing else.

He left me as confused as ever. Some days we try to have a conversation, and he would sit on the edge of his seat, but that was only when his eyes were a light butterscotch color. Other days, when his eyes were black, he would be so tense and wouldn't look in my direction once.

As I stood up from checking my emails, Renee double-checking my arrival plans for the wedding. I was so dizzy that I staggered, grabbing the side of my desk to try to find my balance. My eyes shut hoping the world around me would stop spinning. When I opened them, however, I felt weak.

Walking down the stairs, blackness still tainting the edges of my vision, I was able to grab my backpack and walk out the door without falling over. I found myself rather early today once I arrived, the parking lot only littered with one or two other cars. _Better than being late,_ I thought to myself as I turned my truck off.

As people started filling into the parking lot, I thought it would be good if I started walking to my class now, hopefully I would get there before the bell rang. Getting out of my car though, I saw the Cullen's park in their usual parking spot, all getting out together.

Edward threw his backpack onto the top of the car and turned to Emmett. Emmett's anger seemed to be the conversation. Soon Edward turned away from him, clearly too mad to listen, and stared in my direction.

I clutched the handle on the outside of my door, sliding down from the truck's cab onto the pavement; I noticed a huge puddle just next to me. Hopefully no one slides…

I went to the hood of my truck and threw my bag on it, searching for the water bottle I threw in the night before. Suddenly a screeching came from behind me, I spun around to see Tyler's van speeding into my direction. My heart felt as though it was trying to beat out of my rib cage. The whole thing wasn't like a movie how everything slows down, it seemed to go so fast I couldn't even grasp what people were doing. Just as I thought I was going to die, quickly and easily, Edward was suddenly by my side. The last thing I saw was Edward putting his shoulder into Tyler's van, stopping it, before my head hit the ground making everything go black.

I moved my head back and forth waiting for my eyes to open up. When they did it seemed like the only color was white. The room was white, the sheets and pillow I laid on were also white.

I tried to sit up but a hand pressed me down. "Honey, you had quite a fall there, you shouldn't stand up too quickly," a nurse said, writing something on a board then before turning the curtain. "Dr. Cullen will be in soon."

She pulled back the curtain and Tyler was lying in the bed beside me. He looked terrible. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I was going too fast and hit a _huge_ puddle and I just spun out of control!"

"It's okay Tyler, really," I told him.

"No, I'm so sorry!" he said again.

And he kept on apologizing, no matter how many times I tried to absolve his guilt? Finally I couldn't take anymore and I decided to pretend to sleep for awhile, maybe see if he would stop bothering me then.

"Is she asleep?" a voice said softly.

I opened my eyes to see Edward standing at the foot of my bed. He smiled at me when he noticed I was actually awake.

"I thought so," he mumbled, walking up beside my head.

He sat down in a chair, staring intensely at me. "How's your head?"

"Fine, just fine," I said calmly. "How are you feeling?"

"Perfectly fine, thank you," he said easing back in his chair.

"Really, I mean after you stopped the van from crushing both of us, I thought your shoulder would be at least sore, if not broken," I said sarcastically.

His eyes flashed up at me for a moment, then flashed back down. "Bella, I didn't stop the van from crushing us. It just stopped before it hit us, it was very lucky it came at us the angle it did."

"No, that's not what I saw. You weren't anywhere near me, and then suddenly you were next to me, pushing me down and stopping the van!"

"Bella, I was standing right next to you."

"No you weren't. You were on the other side of the parking lot."

"I was right next to you."

"No you weren't, Edward."

"Can't you just accept the fact that I saved your life? Can't you just leave it at that?" he asked, edging towards the edge of his seat.

"Thank you," I said coldly.

"You're welcome." He paused and looked at me for a moment before adding, "You're not going to let this go are you?"

I shook my head, but stopped quickly after the room started to spin.

The door opened and a man just as beautiful as Edward walked into the room. He had blond hair and looked to be in his mid 30s. He had to be Edward's father. "My name is Carlisle Cullen, and I will be your doctor, Isabella."

"You can call me Bella," I said trying to sit up a little bit more.

Edward looked at Carlisle for a moment right before slipping out of the room. Carlisle didn't seem to notice as he walked up to the bed and softly touched my head in various spots. I winced once.

"Ah, a little sensitive there, that's normal when you had a hit as hard as yours. Edward told me about it, it seems like you hit the cement harder than he thought you would."

"Yes, luckily Edward was there to save me and come out completely unscratched," I said in a mocking tone.

He nodded. "Yes, Edward can be sort of protective."

"Now Bella," he said dropping his voice so only I could hear, "I would like to talk to you about your leukemia. I noticed you've stopped treatment."

I looked over to the other bed where Tyler laid. I looked back to Dr. Cullen and nodded, hoping he would realize that I didn't want to talk about it.

Dr. Cullen seemed to follow my gaze and nodded. "I would like to check up one you in a month to see if your head is fine. Accidents like this can cause trauma," he said winking.

I smiled up at him and nodded again. I was glad that he realized I didn't want this spreading through the whole town.

"Good. Now Edward said something about you seeming very uneasy today before the accident. I was just wondering if you were feeling okay before you came to school."

I sat there for a moment, twisting the sheets around my fingers. "No, I stood up quickly and then I got really light headed. It seemed to stay with me and I couldn't really walk without almost tripping over my feet. Even though I do that already," I said the last part under my breath.

He nodded and wrote something down again. "Bella, this sometimes happens with cancer patients. That's why I think you should come to the hospital more. There are many treatments that can cure this and they work 87% of the time," he said smiling faintly.

I nodded slowly. That's not the first time I heard that. Sure it may work 87% of the time, but I'm normally in the latter part of that equation. I'll never be cured. "I'll come, but I don't want any treatment," I said quietly.

"Okay," he said sighing, "well your father is waiting for you in the waiting room, as well as most of the school it seems like."

I blushed at the thought of everyone out there. How embarrassing to have to face everyone now… "Great."

As I was leaving the room, Tyler tried apologizing again, but was stopped by Dr. Cullen who told him he would need to stay longer. I walked down the hospital halls, but stopped when I noticed Edward leaning against the wall.

"What are you still doing here?" I said ruder than I meant.

He hardly seemed to notice my tone. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay."

"Just a little head trauma, but that's not important," I said waving my hand dismissively. "What is important is why did you lie to me?"

He glared down at me. "I _told_ you that I was standing right next to you, Bella. I was telling the truth whether you chose to believe it or not."

"Well, I don't. You were not anywhere near my truck." I stepped a little bit closer to him, softening up my voice. "You can trust me, you know that Edward? What are you?"

"I'm just like you," he said without hesitation. "I'm just a little more graceful, which isn't hard to do. You seem to attract trouble."

I shook my head vigorously, which made it hurt. "Edward, you are nothing like me! You're not like anyone. I'm going to figure it out, and I want you to tell me the truth when I do."

"I really wish you'd stop trying and just be thankful that I saved your life," he snapped.

"I am thankful," I said curtly before turning to leave.

I was shaking with frustration from his avoidance of the truth. It wasn't like I was going to blab it to the whole school. I just needed to know. There was something so different about him, it just seemed like not many other people seemed to watch him as closely as I did. They didn't seem to understand how much more graceful he is then everyone else, not to mention strong.

"Bella, thank god you're alright," Charlie said giving me an awkward one-armed hug.

"Yea, I'm fine." I started to see some of the kids from my school look up from what they were doing. "Let's go dad, I'm not in the mood to talk to anyone."

He nodded and led me out of the hospital and into the cruiser.

"Bella, you may want to call your mom when you get home," Charlie said half way home.

"You called Renee?"

"Well, yes. I was so worried that I was going to lose you, I called your mother. She's very worried."

I sighed and stormed into the house as soon as he turned off the car. It took me a half an hour of telling Renee I was fine and that I would see her in a week for the wedding before she calmed down.

After I went upstairs and collapsed on my bed, hoping I would be able to sleep soundly after the day's events. I started to think of my mother's wedding, and how happy she was going to be. I smiled as my eyes slowly shut pulling me into the darkness.

I snapped awake four hours later from the pounding in my head. I stumbled into the bathroom grabbed two aspirin out of the cupboard. When I shut it and looked at the person staring back at me, I could barely tell who it was.

She had deep bags under her eyes, and looked extremely pale, almost transparent in the light of the bathroom. Her eyes were a little puffy and were squinting back at me. Her brown hair was messy and seemed to be sticking up in many different ways. She looked terrible.

As I reached up to run my hairs through my hair, she did the same, but it just seemed to make her hair worse. I sighed and turned away from the girl who mocked me in the mirror.

I walked slowly to the linen cabinet and grabbed a quilt out of it then walked slowly back to my room. I, then, fell onto my bed and wrapping myself in the quilt. Today had been a bad day for me. I was still dizzy, whether it was from what I was feeling this morning, or from the accident, I didn't know, or care.

I rolled over and quickly was engulfed in blackness.

I was in a meadow, walking around aimlessly, watching the trees move back and forth with the wind. I stopped suddenly seeing a figure at the edge of the trees watching me.

I stared at the figure waiting for it to show itself. It seemed like I stood there for hours before the figure finally came into the light. I stumbled backwards when he did.

It was Edward, but not the Edward I knew. His skin threw rainbows into the light. He smiled at me as he moved closer, his teeth flashing at me. He had a crooked smile I had only seen a few times. I had spent so much time trying to push him from my mind; his crooked smile seemed to go right over my head. But now, in this moment, in this dream I captured my attention.

I started to walk towards him, feeling a magnetic pull but every step I took only seems to take him further from me. Suddenly behind me, someone was telling me to run. I spun around to see who it was, the girl in the mirror was urging me to follow her, trying to tell me I don't belong. I turned back to him and he seemed to be chuckling.

"_You should listen,"_ he said softly.

I shook my head and kept walking towards him, though he never seemed to be getting any closer.

A soft, bang pulled me awake. I looked out my window to see a flash of lightning and soon after heard the clap of thunder. The weird part was it was only drizzling; harsh thunder storms were rare here.

I shook my head and leaned back into my pillow staring up at my ceiling. I looked at my clock, it was nine o'clock now. I hoped Charlie was okay with dinner.

Slowly my mind started to wonder back to the dream I had. Why was he sparkling? That wasn't normal. Then again, he isn't normal, is he? What a screw up dream.

My stomach grumbled, making me lose my train of thought. I groan and got out of bed as another resounding boom of thunder sounded in the distance. I walked downstairs and went to the fridge to see a box of pizza sitting on the bottom shelf. I grabbed it and placed it on the counter.

It wasn't that cold for being in the fridge, but I wouldn't have cared anyways. I was so hungry. After having two pieces, I placed it back in the fridge and returned to my room, where I turned on my computer to check my email once more.

Sure enough she sent me another email, checking to make sure I was feeling okay. I answered her back and then returned to my bed. Not bothering to get under my covers, I just pulled the quilt back over and dozed back to sleep.

When I woke up the next day, the sky was gray as normal and the streets were, thankfully, dry. I walked downstairs to grab a cereal bar and read the note Charlie left for me.

_Going to Billy Black's house after work. He and his son may come down for dinner. I'll call when I know._

_Love, Dad_

Great, more people I have to lie too. I knew Billy Black a little bit; he was the one who gave me the truck. His son I've met a few times at La Push's beach, when a few of us would go down on one of the few nice days here. I sighed and grabbed my bag off the couch and then walked to my truck after locking the front door.

When I got to school, most of the other people were there. Jessica saw my trust as I parked and began walking towards me as I climbed out.

"Hey Bells. Are you feeling better today?" she asked, shutting my door for me.

"Um, yea, why?" I asked.

"Just wondering. So," she said linking her arm with mine, "are you thinking about asking anyone to the dance coming up? Anyone like Mike?" she sounded as though she wanted to ask him.

I had to hold back a laugh. "No, Jess, I'm not asking anyone to the dance. I probably won't even go."

"Why wouldn't you? It's homecoming Bella! Even _you_ have to go with someone! I'm sure there are a ton of guys here wanting to go with you. I bet even Edward would after he saved you yesterday," she said giggling.

"Believe me Jess, I think I'm the last person Edward would want to ask to homecoming," I said, catching a glimpse of him from the corner of my eye. He was leaning against his car again talking to his sister, but his eyes seemed to be following Jessica and me.

"Oh Bella, you are always so oblivious to the world."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I think Edward likes you. I mean not many people would risk getting crushed by Tyler's van just to save someone, not without caring about them."

"Speaking of which, how is Tyler? He looked pretty banged up at the hospital yesterday," I said hoping to change the subject.

"He's fine, but that's not the point. You should go, Bella. I don't care if you _don't_ date. That doesn't mean you shouldn't go and have a good time with your friends. Just go with one of the guys. You don't have to like them, just got with them so you can hang out with Angela and me. Come on, every person has to experience a school dance!"

"I don't know Jess."

"Bella, you have to go! You can come with Angela and me to pick out dresses! It'll be so much fun. You'll see, it'll probably change your mind about coming. Besides you said you've never even been to a dance! You have to come to all of them this year."

"How many are there?" I asked terrified. If I was clumsy enough, dancing would surely top it off.

"Well, there is homecoming, girl's choice, and prom. There isn't that many," she said quickly when she noticed my face. "Come one Bella, it will be so much fun!"

"I'll think about it," I said as I unlinked our arms and walked into my first period. Alice was already there. She must have passed Jessica and me.

She seemed flustered, but happy about something. I looked at her confused, but tried not to stare. I didn't want her to think I was crazy.

The rest of the day went by with Jessica _and_ Angela trying to get me to go to homecoming. Mike even tried getting me to go with someone, though I couldn't help notice him hint towards himself.

In Biology, Edward returned to the hostile way of his first day. I tried to be polite and say hello, he only nodded and slide further away from my chair. My mood fell. After everything we went through yesterday, how could he go back to acting as though I don't exist?

Getting home was somewhat of a relief, but I remembered that I had to cook something for Charlie and the Blacks. Charlie had left a message saying that they were in fact coming for dinner, so I had to make extra portions.

Around five o'clock a car sounded from outside. I walked to the door and saw Charlie and a boy with shoulder length, black hair, help a man out of the cruiser and into a wheelchair.

I walked outside and smiled at them as they approached the walkway.

"Hey Bells," Charlie said. "You remember Billy and Jacob Black right?"

I nodded. "Of course."

Jacob smiled at me when he walked passed. I looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. It was going to be a long night.


	5. Brilliant Disguise

A/N: Once again, thanks everyone! I'm glad you all are liking my little twist on this amazing story:) And as always thanks to Vi0lentSerenity!

I don't own anything, believe me, not even Brilliant Disguise by Bruce Springsteen

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After dinner, the men went off to watch some a basketball game and Jacob gave me a hand the dishes.

"Thank you, Jacob," I said as I handed him a plate to dry.

"Don't mention it. I do this all the time at my house, so it's not that big of a deal." He stacked it on top of the rest of clean plates; before starting on one of the glasses. "So are you and your friends going to come down to La Push sometime? We have some nice beaches there."

I smiled at him. I haven't been to one of those beaches in years. "Um, I'm not sure. It's busy right now getting ready for homecoming."

He chuckled. "I forgot you guys had dances. Are you going to go?"

"I doubt it. I'm not that much of a dancer."

"Well, aren't dances also for hanging out with friends? Why don't you just go and hang out. Make some memories," he said laughing. "You don't have to dance."

I sighed. Great, now I have someone else trying to convince me to go. "I don't think so. I'd be asking for another accident if I went. I'm just too clumsy."

"Yea, I heard about that. How are you feeling?" he asked, looking worried.

"I'm fine. It was lucky Edward was standing next to me, he pulled me out of the way. Otherwise I'd be six feet under right now," I said through my teeth.

"Edward Cullen you mean?"

"Yeah, do you know him?"

"Not personally, but I've heard of him and his family. They just moved here right?"

"Yes, from New Hampshire. How did you hear of them?"

"Well, they are pretty famous down in La Push," he said folding up the towel he was using and handing it to mean.

"What do you mean?" I asked hanging up the towel and looking at him confused.

"Just one of the clan's legends…Do you like scary stories?"

"I love them," I said smoothly.

"You want to go outside and hear one?" he asked heading towards the back door.

I smiled and led him out. I took a seat on one of the lawn chair, while he sat opposite of me. "So what's the scary story about?"

I listened intently to the story of the 'cold ones'. According to Jacob, the Cullen apparently signed a treaty with his great-grandfather not to come on their land. He told me they were blood drinkers, or vampires. He told me of his clan's history of being wolves.

After he finished, I had goose bumps on my arms. I was staring off into space thinking about everything I just heard. It seemed to fit. They were unnatural beautiful, and Edward was extremely fast and strong. Everything he said described the Cullens. So was it true?

"Wow, you're a great story teller," I spoke up after a moment of silence.

He grinned. "I don't believe it though. We are too superstitious for our own good sometimes."

I laughed nervously. "Maybe we should head back inside. I bet the game is almost over."

He studied me for a moment then said, "You don't believe any of that stuff, do you?"

I shook my head and smiled at him. "No, you just scared me a little bit. I told you, you were good."

When we went back inside to find Billy and Charlie were talking to each other. Clearly the game had just ended. "Ah, there you two are. Are you ready to go Jacob?" Billy asked wheeling himself to the front door.

"Yea, well Charlie, are you ready to go?" He nodded and got his jacket." It was good to see you, Bella. Come by sometime," he said holding the door open for his dad.

I nodded, trying not to look as worried as I felt. After they left I escaped to my room and turned on my computer. That story couldn't have been true, could it?

Frustrated with how long it was taking, I walked over to my closet and pulled out my collection of CD's, trying to pick one to listen to while my compute loaded. I settled on a mix and stuck it into the CD player. The first song to come on was _Collide_ by Howie Day. I sighed, smiling. I always did love this song.

When my computer finally loaded, I pushed my slow modem to begin the search for _Vampires_.

Many of the topics came up as movies, like _My Best Friend the Vampire_ or _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_. Nothing really caught my attention till the third page when the title _Vampires A-Z _inconspicuously sat among the results. I scrolled through the content, to find a description that reminded me of Edward.

I was preparing to give up until two bullet points in the V section grabbed my attention. Suddenly, the music that had drifted into my background noise snapped me from my concentration with the loud bang of _I Hate Everything About You_ by Three Days Grace. I jumped, and then scowled at myself.

What am I doing? Locking myself in my room, searching for information on vampires? I shut off my computer and moved over to my bed. There was no way Edward could be a vampire. They didn't exist! They were just something to scare people during Halloween and movies. They didn't actually walk around posing as human teenagers and saving people's lives.

Beside all the things I know about vampires is they can't come out in sunlight and sleep in a coffin, so there was no way Edward was a vampire. Maybe he just had really good genes. Maybe that's what made him so gorgeous.

I groaned and pulled my quilt over my head wrapping myself up in it hoping not to be bothered by this abnormal thinking. Unfortunately, he made yet another appearance in my dreams. Almost the same dream as before only now he had fangs.

Days went by and Edward and I didn't even attempt a conversation. We kept our distance and didn't look at each other during Biology.

Jessica and Angela were still trying to pressure me into attending homecoming and I still refused, yet they wouldn't let it go. And suddenly homecoming was the only thing that was on my mind in the cafeteria. Signs were all over the place reminding people that ticket sales would begin shortly. Every day I would groan walking into lunch.

The next week came and everything was the same, until I got to Biology on Wednesday afternoon. I had beaten Edward to our table that day and was hoping not to see him at all. I was getting sick of the whole avoidance game.

I stared at my paper, drawing swirls around the edges of it when I heard a musical voice off to the left of me. "Hello."

I looked up, startled, at Edward who was staring at me. He was still far away from me, but he seemed more relax then he had been these last few weeks.

"What? You're talking to me now?" I asked, cringing mentally at my harsh tone.

"I know it was rude of me to act the way I have been, but trust me its better this way. I mean it's better if we aren't friends."

I looked at him for a long moment. _Now he's acting like me._ "Why?" I asked aloud.

"I'm not the best person to pick for a friend to say the least."

"I'm not following."

"I'm too dangerous for you. It would be better if we kept our distance trust me."

"You are regretting it now, huh?"

He tilted his head, his eyes curious. "Regret what exactly?"

"Saving my life, you wouldn't have to put up with me right now if you just stayed on the other side of the parking lot like you were," I said staring into his eyes.

He tensed up when I said that. Oops. "I would never regret what I did."

"Why not, it would be easier to avoid me if I weren't around." I was letting all the anger I had built up out right now.

"Class, settle down," Mr. Banner called.

The rest of the class neither Edward nor I looked at each other. Both of us had our bodies tense, and we were both furious with each other, well at least I was. I had no idea what he was thinking.

When the class ended I started to gather my book expecting Edward to rush off like he always did, but instead I found him standing there, waiting it seemed.

"Yes?" I asked curtly.

"I don't regret saving your life," he said calmly. "Just please, trust me, if you were smart you would stay away from me."

"And what if I'm not smart?"

"I can't harm you, Bella. Just believe me when I say I'm dangerous." His eyes were a contradiction of the coldness of his words and yet a sadness, that I choose to believe was from the idea of my walking away, yet it seemed like part of him wanted me to keep telling him I wasn't smart enough to leave him go.

"I don't believe you are dangerous," I whispered before turning to leave. I quickly walked to gym hoping he wouldn't follow. He didn't, and part of me hurt when he didn't. I mentally slapped myself.

He told me he was dangerous! He told me that we shouldn't be friends! So why would he come after me?

Gym was torture. We started basketball, which I was no good at. My normal routine of tripping over the lines evolved into taking others down with me. It only took half of the class period for people to realize they needed to keep their distance.

When it was finally over Mike caught up with me. "Hey Bella."

"Hi Mike, what's up?"

"So did you decide to go to the dance yet?"

"Um, no I don't think so, why?"

"Well, I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?" he asked looking down at his feet.

Crap. I had to come up with some reason quickly. "I don't think I can actually. I was planning on going to Seattle that day."

"Can't you go some other weekend?"

"No I don't think I can. But you should ask Jessica. She seems really interested in going with you. I'm sure you two would have fun."

"Um, yeah, maybe I will," he said as he walked out of the gym.

I closed my eyes and walked out of the doors. Eric came up to me later asking me if I wanted to go as well, but I told him the same thing I told Mike. Hopefully he bought it too.

When I got into my truck I put my elbows on the steering wheel and put my face in my hands. I was so tired today. Everything was just too much for me right now. I took a deep breath and looked back up. _I need to get out of here, _I thought as I put the keys in the ignition and put the car in drive.

Edward had just pulled in front of me, waiting for his family who were just at the cafeteria doors. I seriously thought about hitting his shiny Volvo, but decided against it. Too many people around.

Someone knocked on my passenger side window, making me jump. I looked over to see Tyler standing there eagerly. I rolled down my window halfway before giving up. "Sorry, Cullen is blocking me."

"That's cool. I actually wanted to ask you something."

You're joking right? This was not happening.

"I wanted to know if you wanted to come to homecoming with me." Tyler asked.

I looked forward to see Edward laughing as his brothers and sisters got into the car. Maybe if inched forward softly… "I'm sorry, but I'm going out of town that day. And no I can't change it," I said quickly when I saw him asking if I could.

"Oh okay, well maybe girls choice."

I nodded vaguely. This was the second time this happened to me. The first time when I just moved here, and I thought I made it clear then. Apparently not.

Edward finally sped ahead leaving me free to go. I turned on my radio hoping some hateful song would come on so my frustration might leave me. But I couldn't get a signal, so I gave up and instead drove home mumbling to myself.

The next day, was hard. I got up with every bone in my body aching. I wasn't hungry at all, but extremely thirsty. I walked downstairs carefully to grab a bottle of water.

Charlie was in the kitchen eating eggs when I came down. "Bells, are you alright?"

I turned to him, taking a sip of water. "I don't think I can go to school today dad."

He looked worried. He got up off his chair and walked over to me feeling my head. "You feel warm. Should we go to the hospital?"

I shook my head. "No this has happened before. I'm just going to go back to bed."

"Maybe you should stay here this weekend. Renee will understand."

"No, no, I have to go to her wedding dad. I'll be fine."

He nodded and helped me upstairs straight into my bed, where I spent the rest of the day. Only leaving to grab more blankets to pile on top of myself, in the vain hope it would help with the shivering.

My body ached so much I seriously considered taking some stronger pills than I was allowed, but I didn't. Then I considered taking an ice bath, but shot that down thinking about how cold I was already.

Finally sleep over came me, and I slept dreamlessly through most of the day. I woke up suddenly without any light. I looked at the end of my bed thinking I saw someone, but when I turned my lamp on, no one was there.

Was I imagining it? I had to have been. There was no way he could get in here without someone noticing.

I rolled back over and feeling back to sleep. The next morning I felt slightly better, just enough to go to school. Everyone asked if I was feeling better. I told them yes, even though my bones still ached.

At lunch I bought some pizza and water, but couldn't really eat my pizza. I wasn't as hungry as I should be. When I got to Biology, Edward was already sitting in his spot. He looked at me when I entered the room, his eyes full of worry.

"Are you feeling better?"

I was shocked by his tone. He seemed extremely worried, but was trying to seem casual. Did he know? "I'm fine thank you. It was just a twenty-four hour cold."

He nodded still looking at me anxiously. "Bella," he softly, his eyebrows coming together, as he looked at me with a worried look, but Mr. Banner walked into the room before he could continue.

The rest of the class we didn't look at each other and when the bell rang Edward didn't stick around. I asked to stay out of gym today; thankfully Coach Capps didn't care and let me sit off to the side.

When school finally ended I walked to my car as quickly as I could, which wasn't very fast at all. When I tried grabbing my keys I dropped them into a puddle. When I start to bend down to get them a white hand flashed by and grabbed them before I could.

"How do you do that?" I asked as Edward dropped the keys into my hand.

"Really Bella, you should look at your surrounds a little better," he said with a teasing smile playing across his lips.

"Well, I thought you didn't want to be friends."

"I never said I didn't want to be, I just thought it would be better this way." He paused and looked off to the direction of his car, then back to me. "But I'm tired of staying away from you."

"I don't understand."

"I want to try to be friends."

Suddenly my dream flashed through my mind. His fangs shining in the sunlight, his eyes piercing through me. And here he was, standing right in front of me, not looking anything like what I had dreamed up, yet he did.

"I think we could try," I said slowly, but was this wise? Was Jacob's tale actually true? Would I do anything if it was? No, I answered quickly. It didn't matter to me what he was. It's not like I would be around much longer for anything terrible to happen, right?

"What are you thinking?" he asked pulling me out of my thoughts.

"I have theories."

"About me?" he said leaning against my truck.

I nodded. "About you."

"Do I get to hear any of them?"

I shrugged unlocking my door. "Maybe tomorrow," I said before getting into it.

I saw him smirk before he turned around and walked back to his Volvo. All his siblings were already there waiting for him. My eyes followed him until he got into his car, I was so wrapped up in what he looked like when he walked I didn't notice his brothers' warning looks, or his sister, Alice, thoughtful look. I sighed and turned on my car as he drove past me, smiling to himself.

Nothing really mattered anymore did it? I was already in too deep.


	6. Hero Heroine

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews! I love reading them:) Of course a special thanks goes to Vi0lentSerenity!

May 29, 2009

I don't own a thing, not even Hero/Heroine by Boys Like Girls.

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**Edward's POV**

Emmett's eyes tracked my movents as I paced in my room. I stopped suddenly and pondered. Why had she missed school? Did she really just have the stomach flu, or was it something more? Something that kept Carlisle mind occupied, but wouldn't allow me to know?

I frowned and continued to walk the corners of my room. Alice quickly joined Emmett in watching me. _Edward, there is nothing you can do. Besides I think there was something about the way Bella might have looked at Carlisle that made him try so hard not to let you know,_ she thought. I rolled my eyes remembering the look in Bella's face when she came out of Carlisle's office.

"I don't know Alice. Reading her face is hard enough without her blocked mind. It's driving me crazy not knowing anything," I said running my hands through my hair.

Emmett looked between us, frustrated that he didn't know what was going on. He shook his head. "Look, maybe it's nothing."

I paused and looked at him. "Doubt it," I said curtly before returning to my pacing. "There's something off about her blood. I just don't know what."

He rolled his eyes. "Edward, you don't know! Maybe she just has a poor immune system or something. What else could it be? She hides everything pretty well."

That I could not argue with. She did seem to know how to act when it came to her illness. "I think it may have something to do with her blood, not her immune system. Something is running through her blood," I said, not breaking a stride.

Alice's eyes widened. I froze and stared at her taking in her vision.. Bella was in the hospital with Carlisle. He was drawing blood from her. She looked very uncomfortable, staring off in the opposite direction turning green.

"_Bella, I think I know why the treatments did not work," _Carlisle said softly to her_._

She looked at him now, confused, worried. _"Why do you think?" _Her voice cracked.

He sighed and looked down at her hands. _"You have a rare condition of Leukemia, one that cannot be treated. But,"_ he said looking up with a small smile, "_we will not know until the lab results come back."_

I sank down to the floor and put my face in my hands. Leukemia, she had cancer.

"What happened," Emmett asked his tone alert and worried.

Alice spoke in my behalf. "She has cancer, Emmett," her voice sad and soft.

Through Alice's mind, I saw Emmett sink a little further into my couch. I couldn't look up. I couldn't believe this was happening. She was so good, so understanding, how could this happen?

Emmett was suddenly up and walking towards me. He patted my head and walked out my door. Alice later did the same and left me to my misery. I couldn't believe this was happening. And Carlisle not telling me! Why could he not tell me something like this? He knows how I feel about her. I grabbed my legs trying to refrain myself from throwing something at the wall.

I walked downstairs several hours later. Carlisle was still not home and the rest of my family seemed to understand that I needed to be by myself. I walked over to my grand piano, running my hand over the keys, and sat down.

My fingers started to glide over the keys coming up with something I've never played before. I understood I was writing something for Bella, a lullaby by the sounds of it. It started off slow, low, and sad to my ears.

Suddenly my fingers seemed to find their way up to the middle of the keys. I was aware of Esme standing at the entrance to the room; I nodded motioning her to come closer.

She smiled, sadly at me and came up to the side of the piano. Alice suddenly appeared at my side sitting on the bench with me.

_Is this for her?_ Esme thought.

I nodded not looking up from the keys my fingertips were pressing.

_It's lovely,_ she thought,_ but it's a little sad._

I sighed.

"It's lovely," Alice said agreeing with Esme without knowing it.

I chuckled to myself, which sounded off to me.

Later that night, I went out to my meadow. Even though it was dark outside it was still special to me. I started to imagine Bella standing in the middle of the meadow looking at me in awe. Maybe her expression was from seeing me in the sunlight for the first time.

I smiled thinking how beautiful she would be herself in the sunlight with her hair spinning around her face. Her fragrance rolling off of her, hitting my senses like a boulder. The thought of it alone was enough to stimulate my venom glands.

I lowered my body to the soft ground of my sanctuary, focusing on the gentle breeze as my eyes closed of their volition. She was so beautiful in her own way. The way her heart beat, it sounded like my own lullaby. It was music like to my ears. Even though I haven't spent that much time with her, I bet I could pick it out of a crowd of a hundred or more.

Even though I knew I deserved this, finally falling in love and that person on their deathbed, she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve to die, or know someone like me. I don't deserve someone like her; I deserve to roam the earth for the rest of eternity in misery.

Alice's vision flashed through my mind. Bella's arms wrapped around Alice waist, her eyes gleaming burgundy. Alice's arms were draped around Bella's shoulders. They were both smiling.

My eyes flashed open. How could I think of such a thing? I couldn't do that to her. _But she's dying_, a tiny part of me said. I shook my head. I couldn't have her in this life, she would resent me for doing that to her.

I took a deep breath and looked up at the cloudy sky. It was supposed to be sunny tomorrow. I don't think I could spend that much time away from her, especially now that I know.

She will be going out tomorrow night with Angela and Jessica to help them get a dress for homecoming. Maybe I should follow her there to make sure nothing happens to her. Even though she's… dying, she seems to be a magnet for trouble.

When I returned to my house, I went straight to my room. Alice must have told Carlisle when he returned home what she saw. He apologized over and over again in his mind about keeping Bella's condition from me, but I wouldn't give him any grief. She didn't want me to know, she didn't want anyone to know. She was trying to be normal, and with cancer that was extremely hard to do.

The next day came. I spent most of the day outside of the high school, making sure I kept Bella in my view the whole time. I had to skip through innocent students minds so I could keep an eye on her all day.

It wasn't always easy, as she didn't have a friend in each class and she went unnoticed by many of the other students, but Mike normally helped me by sticking to her side. Even though many times I wanted to jump out at him for the way he thought of her, but I kept myself restrained.

At lunch I saw Bella eating very little. She seemed to be losing her appetite more and more these day. Jessica accidentally bumped into her, making her wince silently, but she recovered quickly.

I noticed in her smile, however. It didn't reach her eyes, didn't gleam with true emotion. It was empty, simply for show. Failing to even remotely compare to her smiles for me. This one, as well as many others, was forced. I wondered if her muscles hurt from forcing so many smiles.

When the final bell rang she briskly walked to her car, trying to avoid Mike by the looks of it. She looked stressed, and anxious; something I didn't notice before. She seemed to be looking for something. My insides fought between fear and elation that she might possibly being looking for me.

I silently cursed myself for thinking that. I couldn't bring her into my world when she had so much going on in her own life. It's hardly fair.

I followed her, first to her house, then later to Port Angeles. I trailed behind Jessica's car as they searched for dresses.

I spent most of the time scanning people's thoughts as I waited for Bella, Jessica and Angela to change their position. It seemed as though they were going to walk on the boardwalk for awhile before going to dinner. Safe enough.

I casual jumped through the minds of innocent people with music playing softly in the background. When I went to check back on Bella I noticed they were heading down the board walk.

Only Bella wasn't with them. I quickly scanned both of their thoughts and figured out where she was going. The book store just a little bit away, that's fine. But Bella wasn't that easy.

She didn't show up at the bookstore. I tensed up quickly, skipping through peoples' thoughts trying to locate her. Finally I found her leaning on the railing with her back to the water.

I sighed and smiled. At least she didn't get into trouble… yet.

The sun was finally going down. I kept watch on her and it seemed as though she was lost. She looked from side to side for awhile before she leaned against the railing debating on where she should go next. I chuckled, rolling my eyes before finally stepping out of the car. The sun was finally gone, so I figured it would be safe to 'accidentally' bumping into her.

I took a detour through on of the stores and walked slowly until I came into view with her. She looked at me confused, but shocked. She quickly looked away when our eyes locked, blushing.

Another blow to my gut.

I walked up to her and leaned on the railing next to her. "Hello Bella," I said pleasantly.

She didn't look up from her feet. "Hi." She paused for awhile. God, I wish I could know what she was thinking. "I'm surprised to see you here," she said suddenly. "You weren't in school."

"No." I said simply.

"Did you go hiking?" I looked at her curiously before she continued. "Angela told me you and your family goes hiking whenever it's nice out."

I chuckled, if that's what you want to call it. "Yes, it's nice to get out once in awhile considering it's never really sunny here," I said glumly.

"That's one thing I miss about Arizona," she said softly. She turned towards the water and looked out in the distance. She looked so far away.

"What else do you miss?" I asked casually.

She sighed. "A lot of things, but I really should be getting back to Angela and Jessica. They are probably worried about me."

"Do you need some help finding your way? You looked a little lost," I teased.

She looked over to me. "Actually I am lost," she said smiling slightly.

I gestured with my head for her to follow me, and she did, falling into step beside me. It felt so strangely natural for her to be standing next to me like this. I let her scent linger in my mind longer then normal.

We were soon at a little Italian restaurant where Jessica and Angela were pacing in front of it. Bella looked at me out of the corner of her eye looking confused.

"How did you know where to bring me?" she asked quickly.

I shrugged. "Lucky guess. You better stop Angela and Jessica before they have a heart attack."

She looked at me for a long minute before walking a little ahead of me and calling out their name. They quickly looked relieved as soon as they saw her and then shocked to see who she was with.

"Bella, where did you go? We looked everywhere for you!" Jessica said quickly trying not to look at me.

Bella smiled sheepishly. "I got a little lost. Luckily I ran into Edward who showed me the way back."

"Would you mind if I join you?" I asked pleasantly. I saw Bella fight the impulse to look at me.

"S-sure," Jessica stuttered. _Why is she with him? Was this some secret date?_

"Actually Bella, we already ate," Angela said quickly shooting Jessica a look. _We shouldn't have let Bella go off on her own. I just had a feeling she would get lost. Thank God she found Edward._

I chuckled softly to myself, it wasn't a lucky thing she found me, or rather I found her.

"Oh okay, well then-"

"Jessica, would you mind if I took Bella home?" I asked her. She needed to eat something.

"Edward, that's okay. I'm really not that hungry," Bella pressed.

"You need to eat something," I said turning to her.

Something in my eyes must have changed her decision because she turned back to Jessica and winked at her. "Okay," she said softly. "You guys go ahead. I'll see you tomorrow!"

They nodded and head off. As they did Bella turned back to me. "Really, I'm not hungry."

I looked at her again. She seemed to have lost a little bit of weight since the last time I saw her. "Bella, humor me."

She sighed and started towards the restaurant. I opened the door for her and she rolled her eyes. When we got our table and our drinks were taken Bella sat there for awhile staring at me.

"What are you thinking?" I asked curiously.

She folded her arms across her chest and looked down at the table. She seemed to be wondering if she should tell me. Just as I opened my mouth to verbalize my frustration, she raised her hand to stop me.

Then she sighed and looked into my eyes. "Could I ask you a question?"

I cocked my head to the side. "On one condition."

"What's that?" she asked innocently.

"You tell me one of your theories."

She looked at me for a second and then nodded. "But could I tell you in your car?" I nodded. "Okay, so how does it work?"

I raised my eyebrows. Could she tell that easily? "How does what work?"

The waitress came back with our drinks and then took Bella's order. I refused politely to order without looking up. I need to know what she was thinking without more distractions.

She took a sip of her water and then looked up at me again. "How did you know where I was today?"

I smiled. "It was an accident, a happy accident, but I didn't know you would be here."

"Well then how did you really know where I was meeting Jessica and Angela," she asked looking straight at me. She wasn't letting down.

I took a quick moment to arrange the words correctly in my head, so I wouldn't frighten her. "I overheard the conversation you were having with them in the store."

She looked at me for a moment. "How did you hear this? I didn't see you or your car anywhere near the store."

Damn, she was more observant than I thought. "I was able to hear you speak from across the lot," I said slowly.

She looked up at me as I said this. "Did you happen to hear what Carlisle said to me in the hospital then? Were you able to hear us even if you weren't in the room?"

I looked at her leaning forward a little bit. She really was worried about my knowing. Of course Carlisle did do a good job, but Alice was just a little quicker. I sighed and shook my head, for her sake. "No, my family is fairly good at keeping secrets if they don't want someone to know something. Even when I'm not trying to listen, I do, which is very annoying."

She seemed to relax with my lie. She smiled thoughtfully, looking up at me again. "Did you ever think my number was up when Tyler's van came towards me? That you interfered with fate?"

I chuckled without humor. "No I didn't."

"What do you mean?"

"Your number was up the first time I met you."

"I'm still not understanding."

I sighed realizing this. "I warned you I was dangerous, you just never seem to listen to that do you?" I laughed again without humor. "There is something different Bella. Not only can I not hear what you think, but your blood… it's so powerful. Every time you move your hair over your shoulder, walk past me, the wind gets knocked out of me!

"Do you remember the first day you met me? How hostile I was to you?" She nodded, wide-eyed. "I could have killed you that day, easily. I could have killed you the next day as well, but I didn't because of my family. I couldn't make them move again because of how weak I was. This is the first place where we could act as normal as possible. I couldn't take this away from them."

She took another sip of her drink, trying to control herself probably. When she finished hers I pushed mine towards her. She took another sip and then cleared her throat. "Why did you save me from the van?" she asked looking down at the table.

It took me a second to comprehend what she was asking. I wasn't ready for that question. "Well, if your blood would have spilled, there would have been no chance for me to be able to control myself, but I didn't come up with that till afterwards. When I saw the van going towards you, it was instinctive. All I could think was 'not her.'"

She looked up at me and smiled. _Why is she smiling?_ I asked myself, but before I could ask her, the waitress came with Bella's food.

Bella took a small bite at first, but the quickly took another bite. I took the opportunity to ask my own question I need to hear from her.

"Bella, may I ask you a question?"

She nodded and swallowed, blood rushing to her cheek. How my hand itched to brush her cheek, to feel the warmth. I pulled my hands underneath the table.

"Will you tell me what's wrong?"


	7. My Heart

A/N: Thanks again for all the reviews! Also thanks to Vi0lentSerenity, as always:) And yea...

April 13, 2009

I don't own a thing, not even My Heart by Paramore

* * *

I stared at him for a moment. He couldn't have been serious, could he? He told me he didn't overhear his father and I talking. There was no way he could know, was there? I shrank back into my seat."Well the rain gets me down at times, plus it makes it harder for me to sleep. Besides that, nothing much."

I saw him sigh quickly then look back up at me smiling, though it didn't reach his eyes. "Yes the rain can wear you out."

I stared at him a little longer, hoping that he was actually believing my horrible lie, but I couldn't be sure. I wanted him to believe that nothing was wrong with me; I _needed_ him to believe me. I nodded looking down at my food. I stabbed a piece of ravioli, trying to convince myself to eat some of it, but then I shook it off angrily not wanting to force myself into eating it. It didn't taste the same to me, it tasted like chalk almost. I could have sworn I used to love this stuff.

"You really should eat, Bella," Edward said.

I didn't look up from my food. "I'm not exactly hungry," I said, shrugging.

He nodded, but didn't seem exactly happy with my answer. He looked deep into my eyes and breathed, "Please take two more bites."

I blinked and shoved one of the chalk-like ravioli into my mouth. It took me a minute to swallow it. Then I looked back up at him and tried to smile. He smiled back, seeming to realize I wouldn't eat anymore.

"Are you ready to leave?"

"I ready to leave," I said putting my napkin on the table.

The waitress came as if she was called and Edward handed her some money. "Keep the change," he said calmly, his eyes watching my every movement. As we left the restaurant and approached his car, my body warmed at his near contact behind me, as if he was trying to wrap himself around me without actually touching me. I thought about slowly down so I could feel his arms, but thought against it. This isn't what I wanted, right?

As soon as we got into the car, he turned the heaters on and pointed most of them towards me. We remained silent until we got to the highway. "So," he said suddenly with a small laugh, "will you tell me one of your theories?"

I looked out the window. How could I explain this correctly without him getting angry, or think I was crazy? Even though I was starting to question my own sanity.

"I won't laugh," he promised.

I leaned against my door and made my eyes look into his, noticing the frustration in his eyes. What was I doing? "I'm not so worried about you laughing," I said quietly.

"Please," he said softly, his eyes smothering into mine.

I was suddenly nervous. Shouldn't he be watching the road? "Um," I said. _Good start_, I thought sarcastically. "Radio-active acid, bats?"

He laughed, but stopped suddenly remembering his promise. "That's all superhero stuff."

"So I'm wrong?"

He nodded trying to keep a composed face. "What if I'm not the superhero?" he asked suddenly sober.

I thought about it for a moment. "You wished you were," I concluded.

"What?"

I shook my head. "You could be a bad guy, if you really wanted to be, but your not. You wouldn't hurt anyone else unless you had to. Yet, you act like a bad guy to keep people at a distance, for their own good. It's a mask," I said changing the subject. I really didn't want to get into my actual theory.

He turned his attention to me again. I got nervous, but we didn't waver from our straight line.

He was probably wondering how I came up with that. I knew this was how I tended to act, so no one would come to close to me. But with him, it actually answered some of my own questions.

"Bella, why don't you trust anyone?" he asked looking back at the road.

I was taken aback. I trusted his driving ability, didn't I? "I trust people all the time."

He shook his head. "No you don't. You know I'm not the only one wearing a mask here."

I looked at him, mouth slightly open. I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping I could push him out of my mind. "I'm not wearing a mask."

He rolled his eyes and chuckled without humor. "I may not be able to read your mind, but sometimes your emotions play across your face. Although most of the time, you are good at controlling them as well."

"Except when I'm around you," I murmured.

He chuckled, shaking his head. "Not as much as I would like. I just have good practice."

I sighed and looked out the window. "I do let people in, and I do trust them. It's more like I don't trust myself."

"I don't understand."

"I don't think I could trust myself to remain calm if I saw people's reaction."

"Reaction to what," he asked innocently.

Crap. Being alone with Edward was a major risk. All my walls fell down when I was around him. "Just to news in general. I'm not good with dealing with some kinds of reactions."

He nodded putting some things together in his head it seemed like. "So you don't trust anyone with your bad news?"

I shrugged. "Why bother people with something they really don't need to know?"

We were just passing the Forks border now. This trip didn't take nearly as long as I thought it would. I need some answers. "But you don't trust anyone either," I said more like a fact instead of a question.

He laughed. "No, I guess I don't."

"We are more alike than I thought," I mumbled to myself.

"More than I thought as well," he agreed.

I rolled my eyes. He had good hearing. He was being careful with all his answers, though. He was making sure he wasn't giving too much away. Though, from what I can tell, he doesn't know what Jacob told me. So I was still a step ahead of him. Well, at least I hoped.

"What are you thinking about?" his voice pulling me out of my thoughts.

I shrugged.

He laughed in irritation. "Do you know how frustrating that it?"

"Not really. It's not like I can read minds," I hinted. He face went blank. "I'm just trying to figure out what you are."

He smiled, recovering quickly. "Any luck?"

I shook my head. "You give your answers pretty carefully."

"You and I both," he mused. I could feel the car starting to slow were getting closer to my house. "I wish you would stop."

I stared out the window for a long moment. "I don't think I can," I whispered as he stopped in front of my house.

I stared at the living room window. I could see the colors from the TV changing every moment or so. I didn't want to leave his car. For some reason, I felt safe here with Edward, like I could trust him with my secret. Even though I had a feeling he already figured it out. I mentally shook my head. If he did, was he acting this way just because he knew I was dying? I couldn't stand being a charity case.

I took a deep breath and looked at Edward. He was watching me with a curious expression, but at the same time his eyes were worried. Great.

"Well I guess I'll see you tomorrow," I said casually as I unbuckled my seatbelt and gripped the door handle, hoping he would say something to me. When he didn't I opened my door and got out, blood rushing to my head as I stood. I closed my eyes waiting for it to pass.

"Bella," he called.

I spun around to see him leaning across the passenger seat. "Yes," I said breathlessly.

"Sleep well," he breathed smiling his crooked smile.

I blinked. It took me a moment to clear my foggy head before I started to stumble across my lawn. His car sped off when I opened the front door. Charlie was sitting inside watching a basketball game.

"Bells, you're home early," he commented when I reached the foot of the stairs.

"Really," I asked as I spun around to look at his worried face.

"It's only eight. Are you feeling alright?"

I bit my lip and nodded, besides the dizziness thanks to Edward, I felt haven't felt this well in a long time. "Great actually. We found some good dresses easily, so we actually didn't need to shop that long."

"Are you sure you don't want to go to the dance? You should at least get one experience in," he said slowly, hoping not to upset me.

I laughed. "Dad, I can't dance. You of all people should know that. Besides I really don't need _this_ experience. Trust me." Then I turned around and walked up the stairs to my room.

I slipped off my shoes and laid down on my bed. I know my parents want me to have a normal human life as much as possible, but they couldn't understand that it's impossible.

Every heart beat is numbered. Every day could be the beginning of the end for me. Every day I had to worry about walking through school and suddenly collapsing because I was too weak to carry myself.

There was no way I could have a normal human life. I could act like it, but I won't.

The next day I woke up feeling lighter than normal. I haven't felt this good in awhile. Suddenly my mind flashed to Edward's lovely face. As crazy as it may sound he made me feel normal, even if I knew he wasn't.

I dressed in a zip up blue sweatshirt and jeans with my hair down. I wasn't exactly in the mood for a nice outfit. Then I made my way to the kitchen feeling oddly hungry. I smiled at the thought of being normal, or at least not having to act as much.

After eating a bowl of cereal, I made my way out of the front room, locking the door behind me. I was quick to make my way to my warm, dry truck. It'll be an interesting day.

I arrived at school the same time as many of the other students. I smiled and grabbed my bag and slinging it over my shoulder as my feet landed on the ground.

Edward was already standing there before I even had time to shut my door. "Hello," he said in his musical voice.

I looked up at him shocked. "Hi."

"How was your night?"

I smiled, looking down, remembering last night. It was the best night's sleep I've had in awhile, not to mention a nice dream. "Enjoyable. How was yours?"

He looked back in the direction of his car. His lips twitched upward as though he was smiling at his own private joke. "Full of surprises."

"What did you do after you dropped me off?" I asked wondering what was so surprising.

He shook his head. "Nothing too much. Just sat around and watched things." I nodded, completely confused. Edward turned sideways and gestured for me to walk with him. "Shall we?"

"Sure," I said as I started to walk. He quickly matched his pace with mine as we made our way across the parking lot. I was suddenly aware of all the wondering eyes we had. Not something I needed. I pulled my jacket a little tighter around me.

He walked with me until we were outside of my English room. He chuckled at something as we stopped. "What's so funny," I asked looking up at him.

"You friend is wondering what's going on between us," he said leaning against the building looking into my eyes. I tore my eyes from his gaze and looked around. Most of the people near us, I really didn't talk to, so who could it be?

"Jessica?" He nodded. "What am I supposed to say?" –Wait how did he know what she was thinking? She wasn't near us!

He shrugged. "You could tell her it was nothing, if that pleases you," he said quickly. "Or you could say we are dating. That would be easier then explaining everything."

I turned my head so I could stare at the people watching us. I did have a strict no dating policy, as well as the don't-let-anyone-know rule. Should I break the first and just tell everyone I'm dating… Edward Cullen? Could I break the first without breaking the second?

I took a deep breath. I've never felt the way I do with Edward. I've never smiled the way I do when I'm around him. I never had the urge to tell someone what was really wrong with me besides Edward. So does it make sense to agree with him and just tell everyone we are dating?

Thinking about it I realized that whenever I was around Edward I felt like my heart speeded up, maybe skipping a few beats every now and then. When I looked into his eyes I felt save, I felt like I could trust him with anything. And when he walked next to me, it just felt right, like somehow we were meant to find each other.

Sometimes it felt like there was an electric current moving in between us that pulled us closer together. The only problem with all of my feelings was I didn't know how he felt about me, or how he would once he knew I had cancer. Would it be worth the heart break later?

The quick teenage girl answer was yes, duh, but I didn't know if I could let myself be that vulnerable. I barely let my parents know what was going on with me. Plus, would I be able to say goodbye to him later if I started to fall in love with him?

Wait what am I talking about? He's a vampire, well at least I think, and I don't care! I'm already in love with him. So can I say goodbye to him in a week, a month, a year from now?

I looked up into his eyes they understood, as though he knew what arguments were going through my mind.

I made up mind before this conversation even started, though. I made up my mind weeks ago. Now I was just acting like a coward. I didn't want to admit my emotions, my feelings, it scared me. But with Edward, I felt like he could comfort me and protect me like no one else could. It didn't matter to me if he was a monster or not. He was my protector, my save haven.

"Yes," I whispered staring right beck into his eyes, "that would make things much easier."

He smiled at me and got up off the wall. He stared into my eyes for another moment as if he was debating on what he should do next.

The rain started to come down again, a little harder than before. I shivered, realizing I wasn't going to make it through the day without a warm jacket, which I forgot to bring.

Edward saw this and shrugged off his own jacket and put it around my shoulders. Then he smiled and brushed a strand of hair out of my face, before turning and walking to his own class.


	8. All Around Me

A/N: Sorry it took me so long to update this time! It's just been busy having tournaments every weekend, but I'm done for one more week till summer workouts start. Though finals are next week and I'm going to see Legally Blond on Broadway on Tuesday (so excited!), but I'm halfway through the next chapter so hopefully by the end of next week it will be up! Thanks for being patient. And as always thanks to Vi0lentSerenity for everything you do for me and my story!

June 6, 2009

I don't own anything, not even All Around Me by Flyleaf.

* * *

As I rushed into English right as the bell ran, I saw Mike and Eric staring at us, their eyebrows pulled together, looking extremely pissed. They probably saw Edward standing with me by my truck, or Edward walking with me to class, or when we agreed to tell people we were…dating. Gah.

I sat in my desk and looked down at my notes, not really seeing anything, my mind started to wondering way beyond this class.

What would Jessica say when I told her I was finally dating? Would she be smug about it, or would she be too shocked to say anything? What would Eric, Tyler and Mike do after I told them repeatedly that I don't date? How would the rest of the school act? Then a much worse thought came to my mind.

How would his family act; how would my family act? His family didn't really look as if they enjoyed or approved Edward hanging around me. When I saw them over by their car, they all seemed to stare me down. It's like they were repulsed by the whole thing.

And then there was my family.

Would I even tell them? If I told them they would insist on me telling my secret to Edward, if Doctor Cullen didn't already tell him. Then they would encourage me to not lead him on too much. They wouldn't want him too attach if we were still dating when _it _happened. What if they didn't want me hanging around him because they didn't think he would hang around after he found out.

Then again, maybe I'm over thinking this. Maybe he wasn't completely serious. He may just pretending to 'make things easier', as he put it, he may just want girls to think he's off the market so they aren't all over him. Though, he may just be saying that. Perhaps he really wanted to date me.

The bell rang, pulling me out of my overwhelming thoughts, and I hurried to my next period, I took a longer way, around the English building, to avoid Eric and Mike's accusing stares.

My next period went by too quickly. I didn't know how I was going to explain mine and Edward's situation. I had to think on my feet when she jumped to my side on the way to Trig.

"So how was your date last night?" she asked with a teasing smile.

I squeezed my eyes shut, wishing I could click my heels and go home. "Um, it wasn't really a date. We just bumped into each other and he offered to take me to dinner."

"That sounds like a date to me."

I shrugged. "I wouldn't know."

She sighed and shook her head as we took our seats next to each other. "So does this mean you guys aren't dating?" She looked please at the idea, but a little disappointed as well.

Here was my chance. I could quickly say no, we aren't dating and just explain to Edward that maybe it wasn't a good idea to date. I sighed. I couldn't say that. I might as well sink or swim. "Um, actually we are dating," I said quietly.

Her eyes widened and she gave a little squeal of delight. "I knew it! I knew you two would go out the moment I saw you two walking to the restaurant together!"

"I wish I could have known," I mumbled.

"Wait," she said suddenly, face tight and skeptical as she stared at me, "does this mean that 'no dating' thing is officially out the window? What, weren't any of the guys here you taste?"

I smiled thinking about the way he put his jacket around my shoulders, and then the way he brushed a strand of my hair out of my face. My cheek still tingled from it. "I guess it's out the window. I just, I just don't know Jess. No one else makes me feel the way he makes me feel."

She smiled at me. "You really like him don't you?"

I smiled, thinking of Edward's crooked, but perfect, smile. "Yeah, probably more than I should."

She cocked her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

I looked down at my notebook hoping she would think take the hint, but it wasn't working. "I don't know. Sometimes I think I like him more than he likes me. Also I don't know how long it will last," I said quietly.

She thought about it for a moment, clearly she couldn't deny it. "Well, that may be true, but you got his attention right? It didn't seem like he would go for any of the girls at this school."

I laughed. I couldn't exactly tell her I didn't think it would last long because I didn't know how long I would last.

Jessica looked like she was going to say something, but the teacher started to hand out paper for a pop quiz. With a groan, she turned away from me and didn't ask me anything else.

When class was over, we made our way to Spanish. She clearly hadn't forgot about what I said because every time I looked at her she seemed to have a new question lined up for me to avoid. I hoped she wouldn't or I could distract her some way, but nothing came to mind.

"So are you guys going to the dance then?" she asked as we took our seats, her face still calculating.

"Um, no. Dancing isn't such a good idea for me," I said opening up my Spanish book.

"Well, are you going to do anything together?"

How would I know? I didn't even tell him that I knew almost everything about him. "Possibly. I'm not exactly sure yet, Jessica. I mean we really haven't had much of a chance to talk."

She nodded, hoping she would have gotten something better no doubt. "Well I assume you are going to sit with him at lunch today."

"You know what they say when you assume," I joked.

She cocked her head to the side. "No, what?"

"Never mind," I said quickly. "I think I'm going to sit with him."

"Aren't you, you know, scared to be around him," she asked out of the corner of her mouth as she copied down the notes from the board. She seemed hesitant when she asked this, like she was afraid she may say something that offends me.

I choked a laugh, trying to pull it off as a cough, but not succeeding. "No, he doesn't scare me." _No matter how much he may want to, or try to,_ I thought. "His family kind of scares me, but I don't think we will be sitting with them."

Jessica nodded, not looking up from her notebook.

The minutes passed, and I was surprised she wasn't trying to pry out every detail about my feeling toward Edward. I sighed and started to doodle across my notes, letting my mind wonder.

I just felt that he was so close to me, almost like he was sitting beside me watching my every move. Even though I was sort of freaked out about feeling this, I couldn't hide the relief that I felt. Just thinking that he was watching me gave me this huge wave of safeness, like he was ready to fly in front of a bullet to keep me safe. I started to visibly relax, my shoulders eased down and my back started to slouch in my chair. I've never got that vibe from anyone before. It was new and exciting.

Then a splitting headache brought me back into reality. What was I thinking? I was finally accepting the fact that if I make it to see my graduation I was lucky. I was beginning to feel content with the whole thing. Now I was getting angry and scared about dying.

I don't want to miss all of this new excitement. I want to know what it's like to fall in love with someone and have them love you back. Now I don't know if I'll ever experience that. It was so unfair that other people could live for a 100 years before dying and I might not even make it to see my 18th birthday.

But I was miserable for a whole different reason. It was like I woke up from this dream. I know that someday I won't see him again. I won't feel this rush again. I'll break his heart soon as well as my own. I'll never get that normal relationship I want.

I was certain I was ready. I thought that when my time came I would be able to accept it. That's why my parents got me a therapist. That's why I stopped chemo, before finding out my illness was, in fact, terminal. I felt a pit in my stomach, realizing I was never ready… I'll never be ready.

"Bella," Jessica whispered loudly, pulling me into the present.

"What?" I whispered back.

"Did Mike say anything about me?"

I sighed in relief and told her what Mike had told me earlier, thankful…that Edward was temporarily forgotten. Then the bell rang; Jessica and I started to walk to lunch. Coming out of the room, I felt like I was in a dream. We stopped in our tracks once we saw Edward leaning against the wall.

"Hello," his silky voice wrapping around me.

"Hi," I said quickly.

"Um, I'll see you later Bella," Jessica said walking towards Mike, who was waiting for her.

Then there were two.

Edward and I walked quietly to lunch, keeping a safe space in between us. My hand twitched towards his, but I quickly made it clutch the fabric of my jeans.

When we got to the lunch line, Edward started to fill his try, I tried to pay attention but I couldn't look away from all the people staring at us. Then my eyes fell on his family's table.

They were the only people not looking at us. Instead their heads were together, talking about something. And that something just made Edward wince, quite visibly, but he recovered quickly.

We made our way to an empty table and sat opposite of each other. He pushed to tray of food towards me and crossed his arms across his chest. I looked down at the food, deciding what to eat when I noticed him flinch again.

"What are they talking about?" I asked concerned.

He looked at me shocked, but then looked at his family. A low growl came out of his chest and all of them turned away from each other.

I tried not to jump back, but it was a knee-jerk reaction. My eyes widened, my body tensed, and I drew a huge breath which I haven't let out yet.

"Nothing too exciting," he said casually as though none of that just happened.

I shook my head, letting out my breath. "You are lying and you did lie."

"What are you talking about?"

"You know about me." He froze. "You've known about my condition. That's why you tried to pull it out of my last night. You knew the whole time." I couldn't believe this even as I said it out loud. It was like a deer in head lights, you don't really know what's happening until it crashes into you. Just like this.

He sighed and put his head in his hands, like he was ashamed of what he was about to say. "Yes."

"And they know?" I asked softly, feeling scared about my secret being out.

He sighed, still not looking up. I had the urge to pick up his head so I could know what he was feeling. "Yes."

I leaned back in my chair not knowing what to say. There it was. He knew that I was dying. Then why didn't he know that I knew he was already dead?

"How did you know?" He knows my secret, so he'll tell me his.

He looked up at me with a quizzical expression.

"Did Carlisle tell you? Did you hear him talking about it?" I prompted.

He shook his head, surprised that I was asking him this. "Do you need to go to class next period?"

"No."

"Then come with me," he said softly, but urgently. He seemed as though this was something that couldn't wait. We had to lay everything on the table now.

He took my tray and got up in one quick motion. I rose slowly, trying not to get another headache, gripping the table for support. I saw him hesitate to help me up, but pull his hand back. When I did get up, trying to stretch out my sore limbs, I walked gingerly beside him as he threw away our, or rather my, food and headed outside.

"Where exactly are we going," I asked as the cold spray of rain hit my face. I wrapped Edward's jacket around me as my body shook.

He nodded towards his Volvo. "We need to talk, some place where we won't be interrupted."

I stopped walking, as did Edward once he noticed I stopped. What was he planning on doing? Leaving his family, and my truck, here while he takes me to some place to talk? "What's wrong?" he asked eagerly. "Are you afraid to be with me alone?"

I rolled my eyes at him, and started walking again, to prove to him that he was wrong. "No, I was just wondering what you are going to do about your siblings as well as my truck."

He chuckled as he opened the passenger side door for me. I eyed him suspiciously; I was _not_ used to this kind of treatment. "Don't worry, I've figured it all out," he said smiling before he shut my door.

He didn't drive as fast as he did last night, but he slowly started to pick up the pace as we went down a deserted road. He suddenly turned onto a dirt road and then stopped after a few more minutes. I tried not to think about the conversation we were about to have, but I wasn't succeeding. Suddenly he turned towards me. "You know something, don't you?" I nodded. "Another theory?"

I shrugged. "It may be."

"Won't you tell me?" he demanded.

"You never told me that you knew my secret," I snapped back. I was pretty mad that he knew the whole time yesterday and never told me. He looked down guiltily. "But I decided something when I came up with my theory."

"And what's that?" he asked looking up.

"That it doesn't matter."

"You're wrong," he said immediately looking away from me.

I shook my head. "But I'm not, am I? Why would it matter?"

"'Why would it matter?' it matters because I'm dangerous Bella." My heart jumped a little when he said my name. I quickly shoved that thought out of my head. "I've killed people. I could kill _you_."

"You could have killed me before, but you didn't."

"I wanted to," he muttered bitterly, glaring out the window.

I sighed. He looked back at me confused. "Edward, I'm _dying_." He winced. "If you killed me now it wouldn't matter. I'm not getting any better. I'm going to die in days, weeks, months, maybe even a year from now. So it doesn't matter."

He looked at me for a long moment. "Bella," he whispered, "I could never live with myself if I hurt you."

"Then I know you won't," I said confidently.

"How do you know that?"

I shrugged. "I'm not worried about it. You're _very_ careful around me. More than most people are. Besides you've had your chance plenty of times and you haven't hurt me yet."

"Yet," he said dryly.

"Edward," I said sternly. He looked at me. "I'm not afraid of you."

He closed his eyes and shook his head. "You should be."

"Why?"

"Bella, on false move and I could break you leg or crush your skull! I'm not safe."

"I don't care," I said shaking my head.

He sighed knowing it was a lose argument. "What is your theory then?"

I looked at him for a moment forgetting I still hadn't told him yet. I'm sure he already knew I knew. "You're a vampire," I whispered.

He sighed again and looked out the window. "And you're sure you aren't afraid of me?"

I looked down at my hands. Well I didn't know all the details about him, but knowing all of them, would that scare me? Yes, but it would scare anyone to find out that their boyfriend, if you could call him that, was a vampire. But it's not like he really would kill me. I mean did it even count if that person was dying a slow and relatively painful death? I suppose he could kill me accidentally, but he's to careful.

I looked up into Edward's eyes. It seemed as though he was having his own internal conflict. "I'm not afraid of you."

He slowly closed his eyes and dropped his head. "I'm someone who should be damned to a life without anyone in it. I could kill you with just one wrong move, Bella."

I groaned. Again it seemed like he was reading my mind! Edward tilted his head, looking rather confused by my behavior.

"What's wrong?" his worried tone asked in a hushed, but stern, voice.

"It always seems like you can read my mind." I saw him smile out of the corner of my eye, but then his face returned to his serious expression, sighing frustrated. "You can, can't you?"

He thought about it for a moment. "Yes and no." He paused looking towards me and I looked back, our eyes locking. "I can read everyone's mind when I'm a few miles away from them. Everyone but yours. Your mind seems to be protecting you. You have no idea how frustrating that is."

"Clearly," I said sarcastically. "Do you think it has to do with my illness?"

He stared at me, scrutinizing me. "No," he said slowly, "I don't believe so."

"Then why am I the only one? Is there something wrong with me?" I asked shifting in my seat so I could face his full on.

He chuckled. "I just told you I can hear people's thoughts and you are worried you have something wrong with you?"

I looked down sheepishly. "Well, it's just weird. Though I guess it's a good thing you can't hear me," I said mumbling the last part.

"Why is that a good thing?"

"Well, for one, you would have found out about my illness earlier, and you would know everything I was thinking. You would know everything about me." I paused, thinking about what we were doing here. "What is _this_ exactly?"

He smiled, teasingly. "This is talking."

I rolled my eyes. "Well yes, but why? Is this some kind of pity thing?"

His smiled faded as quickly as it came as his eyes captured mine. They were hard, but full of concern. "Why on Earth would you think that?"

"In this past month, you have been nicer to me than any other time before. If Carlisle told you then you would have known for a month or so, so it seems as though you are just doing this because it's a nice thing to do for a dying person. But if this is all out of pity then I don't want any part of it. That's why I have never told anyone. I can't deal with people feeling sorry for me."

"You think I would pity you?" his voice sounding sharp.

"It's the only reason I can think of for you wanting to hang out with me."

"Then you don't see yourself the way I see you," he said shaking his head. "Bella, even if my family was normal, I wouldn't have known. Carlisle has a very good control over his thoughts, but Alice was a little quicker than him."

"What do you mean?" I asked leaning forward.

"Alice can see the future only when it is decided," he explained. He took a deep breath, his eyes boring into mine. "She saw Carlisle and you getting tests done when you went to see him Monday."

I stopped breathing, so he knew my cancer was terminal. "So you really do know?"

He nodded looking down at the steering wheel. "Bella, I'm not being nice to you just because I know. I never could do that. I only found out about it on Sunday. I know it seems like I have been pitying you, but I wasn't. I _want_ to be with you. I never feel calm unless I'm around you. I've never felt this way before I knew. I just… I just feel very protective of you."

"You shouldn't," I whispered looking out the window.

"Why not?"

"This really is wrong."

"Bella, what's the matter?" Edward's voice asked urgently.

"I'm dying Edward."

He winced. "I know."

"Maybe you were right. This isn't a good idea for us to be together. I'm just going to die and leave you all alone. It's not fair," I said trying to keep my voice steady. I didn't want to say goodbye to him.

"Bella, I won't leave you," he said sternly, gently putting his fingers under my chin forcing me to look at him.

My first instinct was to jerk away from the coldness of his touch, but I was frozen.

"I cannot leave you," he whispered his eyes burning into me.

Suddenly he sighed and turned towards the road ahead. I was about to ask him what's wrong, but I couldn't find my voice still. I was shocked he acted me that way. It was cold at first but then I felt warmth in his touch. An electric current seemed to be moving from his finger tips to my chin. I've never felt that before.

"School is almost over and I need to get my brothers and sisters."

"Right," I said hoarsely, finally finding my voice. I completely forgot about school.

He started the car and quickly going back to the main road. I could feel him look over at me as I looked out the window as the rain started to drip onto it.

Nothing was a secret between us anymore, and that kind of scared me. I mean he really knew me. _He_ scared me.

Not the way he wanted to though. He'll never scare me that way, no matter how hard he tries.

"What are you thinking?" he asked sounding curious, but also frustrated.

I kept my eyes on the rain drops drizzling down the window. "I'm not sure what to think about all this. I mean this is new to me."

"It's new to me as well." I could hear the smile on his lips. "But you seem worried, almost scared."

Now I turned to look at him. His eyes were on me and not the road anymore. "Well your driving scares me. Didn't anyone tell you to keep your eyes on the road?"

He chuckled, turning his gaze to the road. "Of all the things you should be scared about; my driving is not one of them."

"Well that's not the only thing that makes me scared of you," I said looking down at my hands as I twisted my fingers around the others.

I felt his eyes on me, but when I looked up, his eyes were ahead of us. The car's speed started to decline as we got closer to my house.

I took a deep breath. "I've never had anyone besides my parents and doctors know what's wrong with me. It sort of scares me."

He stopped the car in my driveway and turned to look at me. "You're secret is safe in my family. We would never do anything to hurt you."

We were both looking at each other, our bodies leaning towards each other without me noticing. Edward noticed this, however, and leaned back in his seat. "I'll get your truck here before Chief Swan gets home."

I nodded, wishing I was watching a movie where I could rewind and replay that part again. I reached into my pocket to get my keys, and then dropped them into his hands. I unbuckled my seatbelt and reluctantly opened the car door.

"Bella," Edward called.

"Yes," I asked eagerly turning around my seat to meet his gaze.

"Sleep well," he whispered, his crooked smile playing across his face.

I blinked, trying catching my breath because I was not expecting him to be that close to me. Then I turned towards my house, I got inside I collapsed on the couch wondering what happened between Edward and I today. The room seemed to be spinning, around me, like this whole day never happened. As though this was all just a dream.

It sort of seemed like I could of dreamed it all, but then I remembered Edward's fingertips on my face and I knew I could have never made up the way that felt in a dream.

I closed my eyes. A family that seemed to trust know one, knew my secret.


	9. Unfair

A/N: Sorry guys! It's been kind of crazy here lately. I've been going away and doing so many basketball camps and so many practices, I've been exhausted lately. That and my Beta's been gone for a bit and I hate uploading without her help. Anyways I'm almost done with the next chapter so hopefully that will be up sometime next week.

July 22, 2009

Nothing still, including Unfair by Kate Voegele.

* * *

When I found out I had leukemia, I was mad. Mad at myself for letting this happen to me and mad at my parents for not knowing sooner. I know it was childish, but I was scared. I just didn't want to admit it then.

I guess you could say I went through the grieving stages, disbelief, screaming, blaming my family, crying, and so on; finally landing on acceptance before I even found out my cancer was terminal. It's just one of those things you know you are going to have to just live with.

The day I accepted everything was nothing special, like doctors telling me if I went through my life living as normally I as I could it may increase my lifespan or maybe I'll get better by a miracle, or family telling me how much of a hero I am for going through what I'm going through. No, for me it was just an ordinary day, looking at myself in the mirror. My gaunt face staring back at me. I reached up to run my hands through my hair, when a clump fell out. Chemo was taking it's affect on me for the first second time.

Instead of watching it fall out on its own, I took my own action. I grabbed a pair of scissors and snipped away everything until I went to the bathroom and grabbed an electric razor Phil left in the house. I made myself bald, not the chemo.

I stared at myself in the mirror, razor in one hand, finally realizing this will be the death of me. This is one illness I'll never recover from.

My family never acted the way I wanted them to when we found out. They made sure I never did anything too much. They wouldn't allow me to walk to school anymore. They wouldn't let me do any chores like I used to and they would make me go shopping for things. They wouldn't even yell at me for anything I did wrong. They did almost everything for me, and it took me about a week and a half to finally get my parents to agree to let me go to school again after we found out. I just told everyone that I had pneumonia and couldn't come to school. They actually believed me.

That's whenever school became my escape. There I was just a normal teenage. I could get yelled at by teachers, or the Liberian. I could take up my own lunch tray. And everyday I came no one tried to help me get out of my chair, and they didn't ask me if I was feeling okay every ten minutes. They treated me like they always did.

That was before I accepted the fact that I may not survive. When I did accept it and told my parents, they became even more worried. Well, Renee did at least. She thought she should do everything for me and watch me every moment of every day just in case I keeled over. I felt like I was suffocating slowly, even if we were sitting the backyard. Charlie was more relaxed about it once he knew I accepted it. It wasn't like he could do much about it. He helped me get up and out of cars, but it wasn't as obvious as Renee made everything. It was just like having an over protective father.

No one acted the way Edward did, however. Most of the time I couldn't tell if he was opening up the car door and helping me out because I was sick, or because it was his nature. At school he would stay very close to me in between classes, even when I took my shortcuts he would stay next to me very protectively.

He wouldn't try to act like he knew anything, though. He tried to stay casual with me; even though I could see the worried look in his eye anytime I had trouble pulling myself up from the lunch table or from our lab table. Most of the time he would casually help me up, but he knew I didn't want anyone to know, so he didn't do that too often.

When he came to my house he was a totally different person. He would try to _act_ human, but he always had trouble around me. He would always leave my side to get me an extra blanket or a glass of water and be back in the blink of an eye. He always made sure I was sitting when I was at home; he even tried to get me to let him carry me from place to place when Charlie wasn't home. I refused.

He knew how I felt about the whole pity thing, so he left most of the stuff go the first time I refused and would just try to act like he normally did around my family with me.

It was nice to have someone other then my family know about me. Edward was so concerned, but rarely showed it. He would make sure that I was treated as if I wasn't dying. He was perfect for me really. I am never sure how to explain the way he makes me feel. But when I'm with him I feel like I'm in a movie. Like Romeo and Juliet. You know they are going to die from the beginning but everyone is still pulling for them to beat their families. You want them to live. Like me. He knows I'm going to die, but I always feel like he's pulling for me to beat what's already stated and just take the pen from the writer and finish my story myself.

We have been together for a week, and we've known each other's secrets for a few weeks, you could say. No one really knew what to think of us at school still. Most of the girls were just surprised to see him go for me. Most of the guys hated the fact that the girls were more interested in us than them (they hated the fact the girls didn't talk about them 24/7). But in a whole everyone was trying to figure out why I dropped my No Dating rule. It didn't make any sense to me either, let alone make sense to them.

"So tell me," Edward said one afternoon as we sat across from each other at our lunch table, "why did you drop the 'no dating' rule for me?"

The bottle cap I was spinning dropped onto its back as I looked up to meet his curious gaze. He was smiling at me the way he knew that would get me to tell him anything. "You know why," I whispered looking away from him and his smoldering eyes and supermodel looks.

He chuckled. "Don't say it's because I know. Angela could have found out and I doubt you would go out with her just because of it."

I cringed. He would make me explain every little thing about me. Even though he knew more about me than every person in this town, he was still trying to peel away all the layers to find out who I really was.

"You were the only person I wanted to tell," I said softly looking down at my bottle cap.

"Bella please look at me," he said just as gently as I did.

I looked up at him, and we instantly locked eyes. I felt this pull towards him, sort of like we were magnetically connected to one another. Then the bottle cap flopped back and forth until it dropped to the ground, snapping me back into reality, pulling me away from his eyes.. It was becoming too intense. Instead I looked over towards his family. They all sat there, looking off into different directions, secretly judging me. I'm so paranoid I feel like I might drop dead, no pun intended, if they don't approve of me.

I started to rack my brain for reasons why they may have a problem with me. The only thing I could come up with is figuring out who they really are and falling for their brother.

I closed my eyes in frustration. That's enough to make them hate me.

"Bella, are you feeling well?" Edward's voice called me back to reality.

How long did I have my eyes closed for? "Yes I'm fine, just thinking."

"About my family," he said more as a matter-of-fact instead of a question.

Geez, if he can't read my mind then how can he seem to figure out what goes through it? "Yes."

"Bella, they love you already, believe me." He reached over and grabs hold of my hand. His icy flesh sends electric currents down my back. Edward takes a breath, contemplating his next move. "Would you like to meet them tonight?"

"Tonight?" I repeated.

"I know it seems fast, but they would love to make your acquaintance. Also I know it might be hard being in a whole house of," he lowered his voice, "_vampires_, but to add on the fact they _know_ can be overwhelming."

The vampire part didn't bother me. I was just afraid of being treated like a sick person. I can barely bear it at home, but at Edward's house! Also I still had no idea how they were going to react to just me in general.

"If you don't feel well, we wouldn't need to go," he said quickly not wanting to push me past my limits.

"No, I feel fine." Except for the nervousness, dizziness, and I feel a little nauseas. "Yea, let's go."

He smiled and nodded. Then he tilted his head. "What's bothering you?"

I swallowed loudly. "Do you think they will like me?" I asked looking over at his family, who didn't seem to have any interest the rest of the school had about us.

Edward sighed. "You are afraid that they won't approve of you and not the fact that they are vampires correct?" I nodded. He rolled his eyes at me. "Believe me, they like you already."

"Edward they don't even know me."

He raised his eyebrows. "They know you better than you think they do."

"Because they know I'm sick so they automatically like me?" I challenged.

I wanted to take it back as soon as I said it because the look in Edward's eyes was too much for me to handle. "Bella they won't treat you any different then the people in this school do, but I'm sure their thoughts will be more appropriate and a little nicer than some."

"What?"

He shook his head. "Nothing. Just know that they will treat you the way I treat you. They won't pity you, some probably envy you," he said staring off into space.

"Why would they envy me?" I asked looking over towards his family. Then it hit me, he's immortal, and so is his family. Did they really hate it that much? "You don't like living forever, do you?"

He shook his head. "It's not natural to live the way we do." He sighed and followed my gaze to his family, then we looked back at each other and he gave me a sad smile. "If our lives ended happily we would all be under headstones right now."

I wanted to tell him he was crazy and selfish to not enjoy the life he did. I would give anything to get rid of this stupid illness, but I couldn't even utter a word. He looked so sad, like he was sorry he couldn't be mortal with me, or if he knew that I would give anything to be immortal with him.

"Life's not fair," I said stubbornly.

He chuckled and reached across the table to sweep away a stray piece of hair from my face. "It's entirely unfair." His hand casually grazed my jaw line before dropping back onto the table.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Bella, is Edward not here today?" Charlie asked jokingly when he got home and hung his belt up.

I was sitting on the couch with _House M.D_ on the TV not really paying attention to it. Some rare case no one's heard of and House somehow figures it out. Normally I love it, but I just can't concentrate on the normal plot.

I laughed nervously at his joke. I was worried about telling him because when he was originally for this relationship, I don't think he realized how serious it was. "Um, Edward is actually going to pick me up later to go out."

Charlie smiled at me. "That's good. What are you guys going to do?"

He was now sitting on his favorite lazy chair, perfect timing to tell him. "He actually wanted me to meet his family."

The smile slowly faded from Charlie's face, along with the color. He looked almost as pale as Edward. "Bella-"

"Dad before you say anything, I just want to say that you should have seen this coming."

"See what coming? I never thought you would get _this_ serious with him. Bella, you're going to break his heart and you know it. Honey, it's not healthy for you or him."

"Well Dad, you should have known that I was serious about him. Mom did."

"Well how was I supposed to know that?"

"Have you seen me date anyone before? I have always had a strict no dating rule."

"Then why did you break it?"

"Because Edward isn't like everyone else in this town, he understands me and what I'm going through. He doesn't try to act like I'm sick at school, he treats me like he did before, just with a little more care. And I don't want to break his heart," I said the last part softly.

Charlie stood up and walked over to me. "I know you don't want to break his heart Bells, but there is no way around this."

Then it dawned on me. There was a way around all of this. "I know that dad, and so does Edward. He understands what's going to happen to me." _Why didn't he think of this?_ I thought. "I'm going to meet his family tonight, okay?"

Charlie sat down on the coffee table and looked at me. He knew that there was no changing my mind. "Okay, just don't stay out past ten. I don't want you to get too tired."

"Believe me, Edward will probably have me home by nine," I joked.

He nodded and smile. "He does seem to be very protective."

I nodded and headed up to my room to get ready to meet his family. I didn't realize how nervous I was until I started to get ready. I wore jean and a white spaghetti strapped shirt, with a black sweater over top of it. I put my hair up and walked downstairs.

Edward knocked on the door just in time and I went to open it. He was wearing a cream colored sweat with dark blue jeans, looking like an Abercrombie and Finch Model again. "Hello," he said smiling. "Are you ready?"

I looked at my dad who was now sitting at the dining room table, probably wallowing about the fact that I really love this boy. "Yea let's go."

Edward walked closely behind me with his hand guiding me to the car without touching me. He opened up my door like he always did and then tried to walk human pace to the driver's side.

I found my feet tapping to some random song I hadn't heard in ages. I tended to do this when I got nervous, like whenever I was waiting for lab test results or something, but this wasn't a nervous I was used to. This was so new to me, I didn't know if I would be able to take it all.

Edward rolled his eyes at my jitteriness. "Bella, relax. They love you already, believe me."

I tried to give him a weak smile, but it wasn't working, so instead I just looked out the window, looking at the cloudy sky that promised rain soon.

Since I still hated his driving, I quickly concentrated on other things, zoning out almost as soon as we headed down my road. I only comprehended little things, like when we started to head out of the town's limits and then soon after turned onto a deserted road, which I assumed was his driveway. Whoa…

We stopped in front of a huge white house; it seemed to be covered with windows everywhere. I never thought a place like this existed anywhere near Forks.

Edward put the car in park and turned off the car. I was about to open my door before his hand caught mine to stop me. "Bella, what's wrong? You don't just seem nervous about this," he said gesturing towards the house. "Do you have something you want to talk to me about?"

I looked into his eyes. They were worried that I wasn't feeling well enough to do this. I could see him scolding himself for bringing me here when I should be resting. Has he really never thought of saving me? "I'm perfectly fine Edward. I did want to talk to you about something, however, but we can talk later. I want to meet your family."

He narrowed his eyes at me for a moment, as if he wasn't sure if I was telling the truth or not, which I wasn't. I was feeling pretty tired, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to talk to him about changing me in case he doesn't feel the same way I do. Also I didn't really want to meet his family, they seemed too judgmental during lunch that it seems like they have already made their decision not to like me.

He finally nodded and walked around to my side to open up the car door for me. I figured I should humor him once. Then he took my hand, which felt icy cold next to mine, but at the same time made my hand feel as though it was on fire, and then we walked to his front door together.

He opened the door slowly. When we walked into the foyer his whole family seemed to be there to great us, except Emmett and Rosalie. I shouldn't be too surprised; I figured someone would show that they had a problem with me.

Edward put his hand on the small of my back and led me a little further inside so he could shut the door. "Bella, this is my brother, Jasper and my sister, Alice."

"It's nice to meet you," I said a little too quickly.

Jasper simply smiled at me and inclined his head a little. Alice, however, walked up to me and hugged me. I could feel Edward tighten behind me.

"Bella I'm so excited you're here. We are going to be great friends," Alice said in a fairy like voice.

I smiled at her and just nodded in response.

"And these are my parents," Edward said once Alice took her position by Jasper, "Carlisle and Esme."

I smiled at them both. "Your home is amazing," I said.

They both smiled at me. "It's a joy to have you in the house," Esme said to me. "I'm so glad we are finally meeting you."

"Bella, nice to see you again," Carlisle said. "I hope you are feeling well."

"Very, thank you."

He nodded, and then looked at Edward for a second. "Well, if you excuse, I must head to the hospital for my shift," he said walking past everyone to the door.

"Bella, let me show you around," Edward said gently pushing me towards the stairs.

I nodded, as he took my hand and led me up the stairs. "Don't you have two other siblings?" I asked once we got to the top of the stairs.

Edward sighed and looked down the hallway to a closed door. "Yes, I do, but they are not home at the moment. Emmett wanted to go hunting and Rosalie decided to go as well. They should be home momentarily though."

I nodded, knowing all to well that one of them didn't want to be here when I was.

He showed me around the second floor and then we headed to the third floor where his room was. When we got there he led me to the couch quickly making sure that I was off my feet.

"How are you feeling?" he asked urgently.

"I feel fine Edward, I really do." I smiled at him and he gave me a weak one back.

I started to let my eyes wonder towards the CD collection he had, but his voice called me back to his attention shortly after. "Bella, what did you want to talk to me about?"

I sat there for a second, scared about the way he was going to act. I needed to find out what he truly felt about me before I asked him.

"Are you okay with the way I am?" I asked him looking straight into his eyes.

"Of course Bella," he said taking his hands in mine. "Just because you're human doesn't mean I can't feel the way I feel about you."

"And how do you feel about me?"

"I feel very protective of you; I've felt this way even before I found out about everything. I feel like if anything would happen to you, I don't know what I would do. I would go crazy." He paused, looking intensely into my eyes. "Bella, you are my life now."

I smiled weakly. "Are you okay that I'm going to die?"

He dropped his head. "Everyone is going to die at some point Bella."

"I know that, but I'm asking are you okay that I don't have much longer to live?"

"No," he said so softly I could barely hear him. He quickly looked back up at me. "Bella, do I wish you could live till you were 100, of course, but you can't. I'm selfish I know, but I will be okay with it because there is nothing I can do to take this illness out of you."

I looked away from him towards the window. Clearly he wasn't thinking the way I was thinking. Maybe he was okay that it was a short-term thing, maybe that's why he's doing this.

He gently pulled my chin so I would have to look at him. "Bella, I don't want to spend any part of my eternity without you."

"Then can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

I hesitated. Is this something I really want to say? Because once I do there is no taking it back. The way he's talking to me right now makes me believe that he truly loves me and he wants to change me. I just hope I'm right.

"Could you change me into a vampire?"


	10. Your Guardian Angel

A/N: Thanks for all the reviews last chapter! Well I don't really have anything else I want to say besides thanks again to Vi0lentSerenity and enjoy!

August 7, 2009 (ugh summer is slipping away)

I don't own anything. Not even Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.

* * *

Edward stared at me intently, the seconds ticking away like hours as he processed what I just asked him.

He didn't like it, which was clear. The way he stood, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared out of his window, his eyes full of worry, angst, and sadness; made me regret asking him as soon as it came out of my mouth. He didn't feel the same way about me; he didn't want to save me.

I swallowed loudly and hoped if I stared hard enough that I would be able to see the inner workings of his mind to find his thoughts to know what he was thinking. No such luck at the moment.

Finally, he slowly turned his head so his eyes would meet mine. In the blink of an eye his face was inches from mine and his eyes level with mine. His ice cold hand clasped onto mine as his lips parted.

"Bella," he said slowly, "I want to save you, I really do, but I'm just afraid that if I were to change you, you would resent me later."

"Why would I resent you if you saved my life? I would get to experience things I already gave up on," I exclaimed.

"What we are, Bella, it's not natural. You will see everyone you love die around you, you will watch everyone getting old while you remain the same. It's no way to live and you may start hating me for putting you through all the misery."

I stared at him wanting to contradict him. I wanted to yell at him, to tell him to change me right now, to save my life! Yet, no words came to me. What he was saying made sense. "But Edward, think of how much I would be getting out of life instead of a clock that always seems to be ticking faster and faster until it stops."

He sat next to me and put his arm around my waist so he could hold me closer. "I've thought about this from the moment I learned about you." He paused and closed his eyes. "I want to change you, but I don't think I could live with myself if you ended up hating me. Believe me when I say that because living longer than I should have, seeing my family die around me, it made me resent Carlisle at the beginning. It's not something I want you to go through.

I could never think of hating Edward, but this is now, when I'm mortal and am close to death. I couldn't dream of hating him for giving me a life I never thought I would experience fully. But when Renee and Charlie die and I'm here in my 17-year-old body, who is to say I won't be mad at him?

I want to live life, but do I really want to live for _eternity_?

After my hesitation, Edward smiled. He realized I was now wondering if I really wanted this. "See my dilemma?" he asked softly in my ear.

I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of winning, but I nodded anyways.

He grabbed my hand and helped me up off of his couch, and then he led me out of his room and down the stairs to the living room. His family was there, with the exception of Carlisle and Rosalie, watching TV or talking to one another.

As Edward led me in, everyone's eyes somehow followed me over to the piano stool. It was like they were all waiting for me to collapse over. Most of them looked ready to catch me at any second by the way the tensed up.

I wanted to roll my eyes, but I thought better of it.

Edward was sitting next to me in a second with his hands placed naturally on the keys. "You can play the piano, Edward?" I asked him.

Alice was now at the end of the piano, resting her elbows on it. "Didn't he tell you? He's a natural at it," she said smiling.

"Figures," I mumbled.

Edward and Alice both chuckled as Edward started to play a song I did not recognize. It was beautiful and soft, just perfect.

"Edward, thank you," Esme said as her hands fluttered to her chest. This must have been her song.

Edward smiled and then switched to another song. It was slow paced and low, almost like the person in this story was sleeping. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. It was sad story being told almost like the person in this tale was coming to an end.

His hands swiftly moved up an octave where it started to pick up its pace, like the person wasn't going down that easily. I smiled; it sort of reminded me of, well, me.

Edward echoed my thoughts. "You inspired this," he said softly as his hands continued to move up and down the keys.

I looked over at him to see that he was watching me. I quickly turned my attention to the room, finding it completely empty. "Where did everyone go?"

"They thought they should give us some privacy."

I nodded. After listening for a few more minutes, I yawned and Edward stopped playing insisting on taking me home.

After playing the part as my boyfriend, he promptly walked me to my door and said goodnight. A half an hour and one shower later, I was in my room laying on my bed with the light on, when he popped up in my room.

"Edward! What are you doing here? How did you even get in here?" I exclaimed as I struggled to sit up. My joints were killing me tonight.

Edward saw that and gently pushed me back down onto my bed as he kneeled next to my face to he could talk to me. "I climbed through your window," he said matter-of-factly.

"You climbed through my window?"

He smirked at my astonishment as he took one step closer to my bed. "Would you object to me staying the night with you?"

My eyes widened a bit, but I quickly nodded and made room for him on my bed. He smiled before shutting my window and finally laying down next to me with his hands behind his head.

We talked to each other for a few minutes, but with everything that happened today I was too tired to stay up late. The next morning, I woke up with my head on Edward's chest and his arms wrapped around my waist. What I would give to have this moment last forever.

"Good morning," he said softly.

"Morning," I said, still a little groggy.

When I started to get out of bed, Edward was quickly up and helping me out. I smiled at him as I rolled my neck trying to get out the kinks. Though, when I took my first step, I knew this was going to be a bad day. Every single joint in my body ached, and I felt extremely tired just from standing.

I slowly made my way to the door, and then stopped. Edward was right behind me following my every move. His eyes were full of worry. I must not look so great right now.

I gripped the doorjamb in attempt to haul myself to the bathroom, but when I took my next step, I stumbled backwards.

Edward's hands were quickly around my waist, pulling me into him. My hands flew up to my head trying to stop the rush of blood to my already spinning head.

As I steadied myself out, I looked up at Edward. He was not looking to great himself. His eyes were worried, and angry, and then the seemed to be calculating something.

I put my hand on Edward's chest. "I'm okay, really."

He reluctantly let go of me, but hands never dropped to his side.

I stayed where I was trying to find the strength to move one of my legs in front of the other. As I was about to move one, however, my vision began to go black, my ears started to ring, and my knees started to feel like jelly. I lost sight of Edward's body next to me along with the dresser to my right.

I slowly turned my head to try and find Edward's face, but when I did, I simply blacked out.

_Beep… Beep… Beep…_

I wanted to let out a groan, or maybe throw something at the noise, but I was too exhausted to even open my eyes. I could hear people's feet shuffling up and down the room, the door opening and closing even few minutes, or hours, I couldn't tell anymore.

I wanted to yell at everything moving. I wanted them all to stop. I just wanted to rest, but with the noise, it was becoming next to impossible. Yet, I still didn't open my eyes. I didn't let anyone know I was awake, listening for someone's voice I recognized.

I could barely remember what I was doing before I landed into this uncomfortable bed, with itchy sheets on top of me. I didn't even know what happened before I fell asleep.

Time pasted as I laid there. Some people touched my wrist, my forehead. I felt people kiss the top of my head and whisper things I couldn't comprehend, but I wasn't waiting for them. I didn't know who I was waiting for, but it was someone.

I wanted to feel them hold my hand; kiss the top of my hand. I wanted to hear them whispering that everything will be alright in my ear, but everyone who did wasn't who I was waiting for.

I heard someone pull a chair up closer to my bed, which was starting to put a strain on my back. Then that person reached out and placed their icy hand on top of mine. My eyes fluttered open. He was who I was waiting for.

"Bella," he said in a low voice. "Bella, can you hear me?"

I wanted to nodded, but my neck was too stiff. I wanted to yell that I could, but I couldn't find my voice. I felt like I was trapped in this body.

"Bella blink twice if you can hear me," he said softly in my ear.

I blinked once, then twice, and he let out a long sigh. I was what he was waiting for. I felt him put his forehead on mine and then he kissed it with his icy lips. He smoothed out my hair with one of his hands and then he leaned back in his chair folding his hands as his back hit the chair.

The door opened and someone else walked in. "Is she awake," my mother's voice said.

"Yes," Edward said as he got up. He kissed the top of my head again and whispered, "I'll be back shortly."

I blinked twice hoping he got that I was saying okay with my eyes. I still couldn't find my voice even though I wanted too. I had no idea what happened to me, I barely understood why I was in the hospital in the first place. I felt like I was missing a huge part of my day right here.

Renee rushed to my side and sat on the edge of my bed. She grabbed my hand and squeezed it lightly while her other hand brushed through my hair. "Bella, sweetie, oh I was so scared. How are you feeling? Are you dizzy at all?"

I shook my head, still trying to find my voice. "Mom, what happened?" I asked so softly I would be surprised if she heard me.

She leaned forward and took a minute to process what I said, I guess trying to see if she caught everything I said. I would have repeated it, but my voice was barely up to it.

"You don't remember anything?" I shook my head. "Well, you passed out in your bedroom, and when Edward came to pick you up and you didn't answer the door, he got worried and when he found you he rushed you here. He called Charlie at the police station who called me and I got the first flight here. You've been in and out of it for about a day now."

"I was up before now?"

She nodded. "You only opened your eyes a few times. When Edward brought you here you had a very high fever and you were sweating a lot. The doctors were afraid you were going to crash, but you kept fighting back," she said with a sad smile and tears running down her face.

"Oh Bella," she sighed hugging me.

I, very slowly, placed one of my arms on her back hoping I could comfort her. That only made her let out a soft sob. "Mom, it's okay. I'll be okay."

She shook her head as she sat back up. "How can you be handling this better than me?" she asked choking out a laugh.

I shrugged. "I was born a thirty-year-old," I said weakly.

She laughed again, putting a hand over her mouth. "You really were."

She let out a deep breath and looked around the room. Her eyes landed on Edward's jacket draped over the chair he was using earlier. "You're very lucky, you know, to have someone like him in your life. He hasn't left your side since you got here. I'm surprised he actually left when I came in."

I smiled. I should have known he would be here the whole time, since he didn't sleep or anything, I guess it didn't bother him.

The door opened again and Dr. Cullen came into the room. "Bella, Edward told me you were up. I'm glad I made it to the room this time," he said jokingly.

I smiled sheepishly. "Is everything okay?" I asked, my voice getting stronger.

"Well, we will need to keep you in the hospital for a week most likely to make sure nothing like this happens again, and if you recover well enough, you may return home." He took the chart from the end of my bed and glanced at it. "Your temperature has gone down quiet a bit, which is very good."

"Dr. Cullen, will Bella be able to return to school?" Renee asked standing up.

"I'm not sure if that is in her best interest at the moment, but maybe in a month or so, if her fever goes down and doesn't return, and if she doesn't have any swelling in abdomen, then I don't see why not."

Renee nodded looking down at me and smiled. It was a worried one, but she wanted to be supportive if I decided to go back.

"If you don't mind I would like to speak with Bella alone," he said walking up to the left side of my bed.

Renee nodded and bent back down to kiss the top of my head before heading out the door.

"Now Bella," he said putting the chart on my bed, "Edward has told me everything he could, but I need to know what happened before you passed out. Edward said something about you staggering when you got out of bed and having to grip the door jam as you made your way out of the room. Did you get dizzy or nauseated?"

I turned my gaze to the wall, trying to remember what happened before I blacked out. "Well, my vision, something happened to it, like everything started to go black when I started to walk." I paused, trying to think back more. "My joints where killing me, and I had a huge head rush when I staggered."

Carlisle nodded. "Yes, I think you will need to stay in the hospital for a week or so. Now you also had a minor infection but we gave you medicine to help for that."

I nodded. "I'm used to infections." With leukemia I always seem to be having infections. It's actually been awhile since I had my last one in Phoenix.

He nodded. "Okay well I'm going to talk to Edward for a moment and then he should be back here with you. I'm actually surprised he left you at all," he said walking out of my room with a smile on his face.

Moments later Edward was back in my room sitting on the edge of my bed. His cold hands felt amazing on my hot forehead as he brushed some hair out of my face. "How are you feeling?" he asked in a low tone.

I shrugged. "I've been better."

He gave a small smile. "Are you uncomfortable at all?"

I shook my head. "Just a little hot."

He nodded and kept his hand on my forehead hoping to cool me down. We stayed that way until he heard footstep and thoughts coming towards the door. He would sit on the chair when nurses or my parents came in, but he would never leave.

When Charlie came in Edward simply went to the corner and sat in a chair by a table I had. When Renee came back in with Phil, Edward just went to the other side of my bed and stood against the wall.

Later on at night, when my mom was coming in to tell me her and Phil where heading to a hotel, Edward would 'sleep' on the chair next to my bed, and when they left he would sit up and put his hands back on my forehead as long as I wanted him to.

We didn't talk very much, but we didn't need to. Sometimes I had the urge to ask Edward why his eyes looked so worried, but I never did because I knew why. He thought I was going to die when he brought me in here. I'm sure everyone did, but I didn't.

The next day I woke up to Edward walking up and down the room with his hands behind his back. He stopped suddenly when he realized I was watching him, and in the blink of an eye, he was sitting on my bed. "Good morning," he said kissing the top of my head.

"Good morning," I said weakly. I tilted my head a little remember how his eyes looked before I collapsed. Why were they calculating? "Edward?"

"Yes, are you okay? Do you need more medicine? Does something hurt?" he asked so quickly I didn't have time to put up a hand to stop him.

"No, I'm fine," besides my abdomen, but they were giving me drugs for that, "I just wanted to ask you something."

"Okay."

"What were you thinking before I passed out?"

He stared at me for a moment. "You caught that didn't you?" He sighed and leaned forward; putting his hands on either side of me he closed his eyes. "I was thinking about the request you asked me at my house."

I stared at him intently. "Why were you reconsidering?"

"Carlisle had one rule about turning humans into vampires, and that was they had to be dying. Seeing you yesterday, when you looked so fragile, I realized that I didn't care if you started to loath me. I _can't _lose you."

He turned his head to look out the window. It was raining, like always, but it seemed even gloomier, if that was even possible. "Carrying you into the hospital, you seemed like a rag doll. Then watching them hook you up to all these machines…" he said trailing off. He took a deep breath and looked back down at me. "I just couldn't stand seeing you that way."

I took a deep breath. This wasn't right. He shouldn't be feeling this way about me. This shouldn't even be happening. I was putting him through pain, something I was trying to avoid by putting a wall around me blocking everyone out.

I didn't want him to watch me die, even if he was considering changing me into a vampire, he wouldn't act on it. He doesn't want me to hate him and who's to say I won't when my mother dies or my father dies.

"I didn't want to cause you any pain," I said softly trying to choke back tears. "This is why I had my no dating rule."

"Bella," he said putting both hands on my face softly, "it's not your fault."

I shook my head slowly, since it gave me headaches if I did it too fast. "No, you shouldn't be here seeing me like this."

"I don't care what you look like Bella, you are always beautiful," he said sincerely.

"No, no, Edward I'm going to hurt you because I'm going to die soon. It's not fair for you to waste your time on me."

"Bella stop." He bent closer to me so that we were nose to nose. "Bella, my time with you has never been wasted. Any time away from you is my time wasted."

"Why do you want to be with me so bad?"

He let out a short sigh. "Because I love you, Isabella. You are my life now. You are the only reason for me to even exist right now."


	11. Never Say Never

A/N: Just a heads up but the updates may start taking longer and longer. Sorry, but school is kind of killing me. I'm already counting down the days till Christmas Break. Anyways I hop you enjoy this next chapter! And thanks always to Vi0lentSerenity, it wouldn't be this good without you!

August 31, 2009

I don't own anything, not even Never Say Never by The Fray

* * *

I opened my eyes slowly, taking in the surrounding in my hospital room. Everything was, well, white. My eyes started going in and out of focus until I was able to concentrate on the room around me. There were a ton of machines around me still, an IV in my arm, along with an oxygen tube that goes under my nose.

Nurses have been going in and out of my room all night and day, which makes it difficult for Edward when he stays the night. A few times, he left my side so quickly to hide, I didn't notice until I looked around to make sure he was away. The only reason he's not with me now is because of school. It took a lot to convince him, but when I told him I wanted to keep it as though everything was normal with me he agreed to go.

The clock on the wall opposite from me says he still has two and half more hours left in school. The worst part is I didn't think I could wait that long to see him again, to have him hold me and stroke my hair, to feel the way his cold fingers would trace my jaw lines giving me chills, whispering that this is all going to be over soon and with promises of my own bed. How did I get so lucky to find someone like him?

"Bella, you're up," Renee said softly, pulling me out of my thoughts as she shut the door.

She was holding a cup of coffee from the cafeteria in one hand and a very old brown covered book in the other. She put the cup on my bedside table and moved one of the chairs from the wall beside my bed. Then she placed the book on my stomach as she took a sip of her coffee.

"What's this?" I asked hoarsely as I tried to regain full use of my voice.

"This," she said picking up the book and opening it, "is a book I found in a box beneath your bed back home."

My eyes widened. How could I forgotten about it? "Mom, is that my notebook?"

She nodded looking down at what I wrote on the inside cover. "_Isabella Marie Swan, diagnosed with Leukemia January 23, 2007."_ She took a deep breath, choking back tears. "_When someone is born, everyone gets the impression that they are going to live to be 100 years old. That they are going to get their high school diploma and graduate college. That they will work in a field they love and make enough money to live happily. They hope that they will marry the person they love, their soul mate; have beautiful children and grow old together and eventually die peacefully. In reading this you will realize that that's not always the case._

"_This notebook will remind everyone that their life is a miracle, almost magic. Hopefully after reading this, no one will take their life for granted. They will live it to the fullest and do all the things that the less fortunate won't be able to do."_

She looked up at me with tears in her eyes as she turned to the next page. I wanted to tell her to stop, seeing how much it hurt her, but the shock of it all kept me quiet.

"_I am 15 years old and the doctors have told me that it will be a miracle if I make it past the five year mark. That gives me enough time to get my high school diploma and two years of college, if I'm lucky._

"_I know I won't make it, I will be surprised if I make to even see my graduation day. I'm a freshman in high school and when other people are worrying about tests they have to take or if that boy they really like will ask them to homecoming, I have to worry about collapsing, or being so weak when I wake up that I can't even sit up, let alone get out of bed._

"_In writing this, I hope that I will be able to find peace in the fact that I'm going to die. I hope that I will be able to accept it and go out knowing I fought my hardest through everything. And when my last entry hits the page, I hope that it will be filled with happy memories and feelings. I hope that I will be able to live my life normally. I hope to live, even after my life on the Earth is over."_

Renee quickly tried to brush the tears off of her cheek; she wanted to act strong for me. I placed my hand over hers letting her know I was okay. She grasped it with her other hand and began to sob softly.

"Mom," I whispered. She looked up at me through the tears. "I have accepted it; I have found peace with it. I have lived my life normally, and because of Edward, I know my final memory is going to full of the happiness he has given me." I paused for a moment, trying to find the energy to continue. "You know I will always be with you, even if I'm no longer here, right?"

Renee let out another sob and wrapped her arms around me. "Oh baby, I love you so much. I don't know what I would do without you."

"As long as you have Phil, you will be okay. I know how strong you are mom; it's where I get my strength from."

"I love you Bella, so much. You don't deserve this," she said softly as she got up and sat on the edge of my bed. I looked into her eyes; they were worried, sad, and desperate even.

"I love you too mom," I whispered back to her, trying to ignore the last part.

I know I didn't really deserve this to happen to me, but there was nothing I could do about it now. Even if I did try something, anything, it wouldn't change the fact that I was going to die and it would be coming very soon.

A few moments later Renee left me and the book as she went to call Phil. I looked back up at the clock and realized I had an hour and ten minutes until Edward was out of school and on his way to the hospital.

I opened up the book to a random page to find it was the one after my first chemotherapy session:

_January 31, 2007_

"_The world seems so different now. I seem so different now. All my energy has been drained along with my spirit. The only thing that seems to be getting me through everything is my mom. She's been great. She always makes sure I'm comfortable; she even started yelling at a nurse. But every time I look at her now, it seems like everything has changed, like she's no longer my loving-carefree mother. It's like she grew up in two days to become the person she is now. She's changed all too much._

"_I wish she could just be the way she used to be. It would help me get through everything so much easier. If she just acted like this is a normal thing and I'm going to be fine in a few hours. She can't though, it breaks her heart seeing me like this and she can't make a joke out of that. She has to be the parent now because I can't care for her like I used to. Nothing is normal anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm being _Punk'd_, I just keep waiting for Auston Kutcher to jump out and yell it. Everything just happened so fast. It's like everyday is my last day."_

I ran my fingers over the pages the passage filled. I felt every angry indent and crinkled tear stain.

I still felt this way. If my mom and dad could just act like everything is completely normal than this process would be easier. Even when they tried to hide it, I could see it in their eyes. Almost as though if we all just pretended than my illness would just go away.

I wanted to hit myself with the way I was thinking. Nothing I say or do will change the outcome of this. It will never be easy to cope. The only person who could is Edward, but I know he couldn't. He doesn't want to end my life and I get it, I really do. I just wish I could have had more time with him.

I blinked away a few tears as one of the nurses came into my room.

"Hey honey, how are you feeling?" a pretty brunette nurse asked as she came over to check the monitor beside me.

"I'm feeling okay," I said finally getting my voice back.

She smiled at me. "I see your voice is coming back. Dr. Cullen will be happy, and I say his son will be too," she said winking at me.

I could feel the blood rushing to my cheeks and she turned her attention back to the monitor. I looked back up at the clock to see how much more time was left. An hour and five minutes. I wanted to scream, I was so impatient to see him.

"Oh dear, your temperature spiked a little bit after your mother left. You're at 99.9; I'll have to talk to your doctor to see if we should give you any more steroids." She turned and walked to the door, but she turned back towards me before she left. "You should really get some rest Bella. Even if your temperature doesn't seem that major, it is in your case. Maybe shut your eyes before Edward comes." Then she left.

I rolled my eyes, _yea like I could sleep now._

I flipped through a few more pages of my journal, wanting to remember everything. I wanted to remember how I felt then and know how fair I've come. It's like my own kind of therapy.

_May 13, 2007_

"_Everyday is a struggle, and everyday just keeps getting harder and harder to bear. This isn't what I wanted this journal to be like. I didn't want to be worrying about what will happen, I just wanted to remember the best of times. Though, I just keep thinking about my family and what's going to happen to them once I'm gone and I realize this would never be about the best of times, it will be about the struggle._

"_This is one of those moments you wish your parents were together still. I keep having this guilty feeling in the pit of my stomach that Charlie is being cheated. I call him almost everyday on the phone, but neither of us are very good at keeping up conversations with each other. So lately I've been thinking about moving up to Washington to spend time with him. My mother can't bear the thought of me being alone and even wanting me to ask Charlie to come down here and look for a new job, but being a police in Phoenix and one in Forks are two completely different professions I'm sure. They probably don't get the same type of trouble we do here. Plus I'm not sure how much Charlie would like living in a desert._

"_I mentioned this to Renee the other day, and she nearly collapsed at the thought of being away from me with my days numbering. The doctors say the chemo therapy isn't working the way it should. They want to do some radiation, but they are afraid of my own immune system failing all together. I have a feeling I'll never recover from this. I don't want to die without getting to spend time with my __father__. I need to be with him till high school is over, then I can move back down here and spend the rest of my life with my mother. I mean my mother has had me my whole life, and they only time Charlie is really going to have me is when I'm sick and it's just not fair to him. Hopefully I'll be able to have peace with both of them before my time comes."_

"Bella," Edward's voice sounded from the doorway.

I quickly close my journal and slid it to my side. "Hey, how was school?" I asked struggling to sit up to see him better.

But Edward was two steps ahead of me and was already at my side helping me into a sitting position. "Torturous without you," he said kissing the top of my head.

He sat down next to me and stared into my eyes. He seemed to be fighting with himself about something. "What's wrong?"

He let out a deep breath and dropped his head. "I hate seeing you like this." He picked up my right hand and took it into his. "When you… when you collapsed… I thought I was going to lose you. You looked to so small, fragile. I was afraid I was going to end up killing you just by picking you up. I hated that feeling."

"Hey, I'm okay," I whispered.

He looked up at me and smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes which reminded hard. "I know," he said brushing my hair out of my face. "I just…"

"I'm not going anywhere for awhile. I just found you; I don't want to lose you this quickly."

He shook his head slowly than kneeled down on the floor next to me. "Bella, I'm not going anywhere. As long as you want me here, I'm not leaving you. I don't feel whole without you."

I smiled at him. "I don't feel whole without you either."

He smiled, this time his eyes softened. Suddenly he was sitting back on my bed leaning on the foot post, holding my hand. "What are you reading?" He asked nodding towards my journal.

"Oh," I said suddenly remembering it was there, "that's just something Renee found in one of the boxes in my room in Phoenix. It's not very interesting."

Edward raised his one of his eyebrows. "Really, I heard it was a very interesting and powerful book."

"You already know what it is, don't you?" He nodded. "Figures it's all Renee can think about."

"It really shook her up, finding this." He reached across me with his free hand and grabbed the book examining at the outside cover. "Why did you pick something that looks like it's going to fall apart at any moment?"

I smiled at him in a way that said you-should-already-know kind of way. "Haven't you realized that I like old, worn out things that look like they are about to fall apart and die at any moment?"

He looked back down at the book, like this question bothered him. "Yes, I have noticed that."

"To me, it's like as long as these things can keep together than so can I. It's like my own motivation."

He chuckled and turned the book over again. Then he placed it back beside me. "So how are you feeling?"

"Fine." He gave me that all knowing look. "Really Edward, I feel loads better. I'm still a little sore but not as nauseous as before."

He smiled at me as he sat up rubbing the back of my hand with his thumb. "The nurse told me your fever is coming back."

"She told you, or you heard her?" He looked up at me through his long eyelashes and smiled slyly. I rolled my eyes. "It's only a little bit higher, not much."

"Carlisle should be coming in soon to give you some more steroids to help it go back down." He sat up a little straighter and looked around the room. "Are you going to be okay for a little while? I've like to have a word with my father."

I nodded, squeezing his hand with all the strength I could mustard for my hand.

He got up and walked to the door at human pace before disappearing to the other side. I sat there for a little bit, staring at the wall. I tried to think of why Edward would have to talk to Carlisle, what could he want to know that he didn't already?

"Oh, you're still awake," the nurse said pulling me out of my thoughts. She came further into my room holding a needle in her right hand. "Dr. Cullen told me to give you a shot of steroids to help the fever go down. It looks like you'll be stuck here a little longer."

She looked down at me and smiled sadly then took my IV tube and followed it with her fingers to the back of my hand where the IV needle was in my hand. She put the needle in it and patted my arm before leaving again.

I looked down at the book I was now cradling in my hands. How can one book cause so much pain, guilt, yet at the same time joy? Call me crazy, but to me it brings joy. The way I can now look at the book and read the passages and see how far I've come. I can now look at the book and accept everything that is going to happen to me, even though I could have a way out of my grim fate.

I opened the book and started flipping through the pages. I stopped about three fourths way through the book to find my last entry dated August 20, 2009. Two years filled the pages of this book, now known as my journal; two years worth of pain, heartbreak, sadness, and fear. Sitting here now, I was able to skim the pages and realize that I'm so much stronger than I ever thought I would be.

I sighed and looked at the clock ahead of me one more time. It didn't tell me any important information, only the time, precious as it may seem, I didn't really care for it. So I ignored it and opened up the bedside table's top drawer and took out a pen.

_October 17, 2009_

_Writing, painting, sewing, cooking are all things that can be taught to someone over a period of time. You can get people to help you succeed in those. However, acceptance is not something that can be taught. It's not something people can help you at. Acceptance comes from the heart._

_Reading over these pages, I realize how far I've come. I know I'm not going to be cured, I may seem better and I may actually get better, but I will never be healed. I can accept it._

_Over the past few months I have met someone who has cured me in every sense, but the physical. He has made me feel important in a way that others cannot. He has shown me love, compassion, and most of all; he has shown me a sense of comfort. We are both hiding something that cannot be hid. It leaks out even when we try are hardest to keep it in. In all irony, he makes me feel normal. He is so sweet, so caring, everything he does just seems normal for him. I can't tell if he's helping me out of the car because he knows, or because it's his nature. He's the thing that I have been searching for this whole time. He's my… savior. He helps me fight through things I wouldn't have been able to do, which is why I'm here. He keeps me from giving up, even when others around me have already gave up._

_I had a major relapse recently and many didn't think I could come back from it. Even his father, my new doctor, didn't think it was possible. But I came back, I fought so I could see his face again, so I could feel normal even when I know there is no way for me to be so._

_I came to accepting my fate even before I met him. Ever since I came back to Forks it's just been that way. I could deal with seeing people and lying to them. I could deal with acting normal and fighting through the urge to scream when someone touched me a little too hard. I was able to fight through and act the way people expected me to._

_Then he came along. He was the only person I wanted to tell, the only person I felt like I could trust, even though I thought he hated me for the longest time. I tried to keep to myself, but every time I was around him, things just kept spilling out, sometimes it seemed as though he knew what I was thinking, even though I know that's impossible for him. He's the only person I would break my _no-dating_ rule for and I'm glad I did. I've never felt this way and I never thought I would get this chance. I love him. I've only known him a short time, but I feel like I know him better than anyone else does (except his family). He knows me better than anyone else does._

_The only problem is knowing I'm going to hurt him. I know I can't be with him forever and I know that soon I'm going to be losing him and he will lose me. He is the only thing that is making my acceptance sway_

_With him, though, I'm starting to wonder if I ever really accepted my fate. Do people ever accept the fact that they are, in fact, dying? Sometimes I think I just kept on saying I accepted this because I think somehow I would convince myself. Maybe it was a way to stop myself from grieving. Maybe it was just a mask._

_Knowing I may have had a chance, that is the hardest part._

I slammed the book shut with tears streaming down my face. If Edward were to read this after I'm gone it would break his heart. It was the truth though. I have a chance of surviving, but he won't change me. I get it, I probably would end up getting furious with him, but I could never hate him if he saved my life and gave me a life I never thought I would have. Then again, not many people would think about having a life as a vampire, but still.

He just doesn't see it, and I don't know what would make him see that I would never hate him. I never could.


	12. Misguided Ghosts

A/N: I know! Sorry but I've been really busy. Junior sucks already. I'm just sick of school, sigh. Plus basketball already started, three days a week, wonderful. PLUS I'm coaching soccer again. Wooohooo! Anyways, I hope you like it! I'm working on the next chapter as we speak and hopefully I'll get it to my beta by Saturday night/Sunday morning.

October 4, 2009 (I miss summer already:( )

I don't own anything, just like the first chapter. Not even Misguided Ghosts by Paramore

* * *

The days were getting shorter and shorter as fall turned into winter. Homecoming already passed. Nurses were coming in and out of my room every hour to check on me and my temperature. Carlisle came in at least three times a day to check on me himself.

Renee came by everyday and stayed till I was too tired to keep my eyes open, only leaving to eat and to give Edward and me privacy. Charlie came every day as well after work and he actually stayed in my rooms a few nights sleeping on the chair Edward often used when he stayed the night.

It was hard seeing him come in every day. We would sit, have a little awkward conversation and then fall silent. But every time I looked over to him to make sure he was still there he would look like he was in pain, seeing me laying there with tubes coming out of me.

Then anytime Edward came in the room, he would look alarm, like he didn't trust Edward. Maybe he had the normal human reaction to Edward that I didn't have. Maybe his body was telling him that Edward was something terrible.

Edward. I sighed, just thinking about him. He was being so sweet and he was so concerned about every little thing that was happening with me. He was so calm and so gentle, it's amazing anyone can actually stay in a room with me for as long as he does and not die of boredom.

Anytime Edward stayed the night with me, he would fit himself around me and hold me in my sleep. When he did this, it made me feel safe, almost as if we stayed like this forever I would never be hurt again and I would never leave him. It's almost as though everything stopped for a few short moments when he held me. It was almost like someone up there was trying to give me a longer life.

As we lay there most nights, I could tell we were both trying to work around the conversation about my mortality. Yet, most of the time I didn't even think about it. Being with him, having him hold me, made me feel normal. We talked about his past, my past, the weather, basically anything. It's like we never had to try on anything with each other. It just came naturally.

I was writing in my journal more often now that I had it again. I always did it when Renee went to eat lunch and Edward was still in school. I didn't want anyone to see it because I thought it might hurt them to know that I was going to be leaving a big part of myself behind once I died.

Finishing the last sentence of my latest entry, I heard my door start to creak open. I quickly shoved the book into my top drawer of my bedside table.

"Bella," Edward whispered, looking the happiest I've seen in weeks, coming into my room followed by Carlisle and my mother.

I looked up at them quizzically. I cleared my throat. "What's going on?" I asked hoarsely.

"Bella, honey, Dr. Cullen has paid for a nurse to come and look after you at home until you are fully recovered," my mother said taking my hand and sitting on the edge of my bed.

_As recovered as you can be,_ I finished for her in my head. I slowly started to shake my head.

"What is it honey?"

"Bella," Edward said softly. He was sitting on the chair next to my mother looking quite calm and happy, which I haven't seen for a long time. "We think it will help you recover quicker if you are in a comfortable and familiar environment."

"But I don't want you to pay for a nurse for me. It's too much," I stated, trying to sound firm, but wouldn't have frightened a kitten.

Edward chuckled softly. "I know you don't, but we want to."

"We do," Carlisle agreed. "Renee, could you start to pack her things? I'm going to talk to a nurse about moving her."

Renee nodded and went to the closet to get a small bag and put my clothes into it. "I'm going to call Charlie and tell him," she said smiling and walking out the door.

"Edward-" I started, but he held up his hand.

"Bella, please, try to understand how much it hurts me to see you in the hospital. I want to see you in your own house; I want you to feel that you are normal in some way. This way it can be like you are just getting over a terrible flu."

I looked into his eyes to see how much love was in them. He was doing this to honor my wishes of living as normal as possible. "Thank you," I whispered.

He smiled at me and kissed the top of my head. "I love you, Isabella," he said gently, as he looked into my eyes.

My whole heart swelled and even as my head was screaming NO! I said, "I love you too, Edward."

He slowly bent down and brushed his lips softly across my own and pulled away before I had any time to react. Then he quickly took his position back on the chair before my mother came bursting into the room to pack my bags.

The next thing I knew I was being helped out of bed, slowly, by two nurses who placed me into a wheelchair and took me to the bathroom where my mother helped me pull on a pair of sweat pants and an old T-Shirt, finally getting out of those hospital gowns. Then I was placed back into the wheelchair and with Edward on my right and my mother on my left and a nurse behind with a bucket (just in case), I made my way out of the hospital and back to my home.

Back at Charlie's, I had to stay in my bed except for an hour every day, which I could get up and walk around my room. I wasn't supposed to go down stairs, so when Edward was around and no one else was, he would carry me down the stairs so I could walk in my backyard for a few minutes, dressed in a winter coat, a hat, gloves, two pairs of sweat pants, a scarf and boots.

Edward would only allow me outside for five minutes every other day. He was so worried I would catch a cold, which might or might not lead to my death. Then he would pick me up and take me up to my room where he would help me get out of my coat and my extra pair of sweat pants, he would pull of my hat and boats and take off my gloves before helping me lay back down where he would lay beside me and hum my lullaby before I nodded off into sleep.

It seemed like that was the only thing I did anymore. Carlisle said I would be tired a lot, but its better that way. I wouldn't be in pain as much if I slept through it all.

My home nurse, Cassandra, came over first thing in the morning and left after I fall asleep around nine. She always comes and checks on my temperature every hour. Luckily, she's very cool about my relationship with Edward. He made it clear that he wanted to do as much as he could in my recovery, so as long as she's in the room when he's helping me, she's okay with it. Little did she know he spent every night with me when she wasn't there.

When I first saw her though, I thought she would be horrendous. She's from England, only moving here because Carlisle is paying her so much, which I'm not too happy about. She's fairly young, only 30. She has long, wavy, blond hair and bright green eyes. She's pretty short, however, about an inch shorter than me. The way she walked into a room, though, it made you think she was a commander of an army.

The first few days with her, she set up a complete schedule of what I should be able to do, which wasn't much to begin with. Plus her hands were freezing! I know I should be used to this because my boyfriend has no pulse, but with her it's not the coldness that sends electric shocks through my whole body. With her it just makes me shiver.

After a few days though, she got over the time difference and actually started being civil to everyone. She would spend time with me for most of the day when Edward was at school and Renee wasn't with me, but once Renee left, she spent over half the day with me, barely leaving my side. Most of the time she would read to me some Jane Auston books, or we would watch a movie, sometimes playing a board game.

Sometimes, however, we would just talk, which got me starting to like her more and more and was suddenly glad Carlisle got someone to keep me company while everyone was at school or at work.

After two weeks at home I was able to get around and walk for about six hours before I would finally collapse of exhaustion. Cassandra was actually helping me up and down steps now.

"Okay, so what do you want to do today?" she asked me the last Thursday morning in October.

I was moving my cereal around my bowl with my spoon, not really in the mood to eat it. "Well I have an appointment with Carlisle today, and then I would love to just come here and watch a movie or something."

"Rough day already?"

I nodded slowly. "I'm just not hungry," I said pushing the bowl away from me.

She shrugged and went to clean the bowl out at the sink. "So, tell me what's happening between you and Edward."

"The same old same old." I said this a little curtly. After he kissed me at the hospital it's all I have been able to think about. I just want him to kiss me again, but this time I want to feel passion in it, something I've never felt.

Then there's the whole 'I love you' thing. Yes, I love Edward with all my heart, but I don't want him to be in love with me if I'm going to die soon. For all I know this can be my last Halloween!

When he said it my whole body was screaming 'DON'T DO IT!' but I told him the truth, like he told me. I just don't want him getting hurt and going off and doing something stupid just because I died.

I _want _him to change me so bad, but at the same time I don't. I don't want him to hate himself for taking away my life, and I don't ever want to feel resentment towards him for this. It's such a dilemma, but I just want to know that I won't be hurting him by leaving him alone on this Earth.

"Come on, Bella. I see the way you look at each other. You love him don't you?" Cass said scrubbing the pan she cooked pancakes in, which she made for Charlie earlier.

I blushed and looked down at the table. "Okay I do, but I shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm not going to be here much longer," I said quietly.

Cassandra dropped the pan in the sink and turned to me. "Isabella, I want you to listen to me and listen to me good. Everyone gets a chance at life, some people's time is just shorter than other's and I know it's not fair, but you have to live with it.

"Honey, in all my years I have never seen a man look at a woman the way Edward looks at you. His eyes have so much emotion in them; it's hard to tell what all he's feeling. There is so much love and compassion, curiosity and tenderness. Then they become worried and careful all at the same time, like one false move and he could snap you. Bella, you shouldn't be afraid of showing him how you feel, even if it's only for 3 weeks or 20 years. I'm sure he would rather die tomorrow than live 100 years without hearing how much he means to you."

I blushed and looked down. "You're right," I whispered.

She nodded as she came on the other side of me. "Of course I am. Now put your arm on my shoulder so I can help you to the car."

At the hospital Carlisle told me I was doing much better, and as long as I kept resting, moving around slowly, and eating right I would be able to move around fully again. Though the whole time he was explaining everything I should keep on doing, I zoned out. I was thinking about everything that was going on. I thought about everything Cassandra told me today. Everything was changing.

I just wanted it all to stop, to stay still. I wanted to be in Edward's arms and just feel like the world was finally slowing down, just to give us a few extra moments.

I could feel myself getting stronger with every step, but I also felt myself being set up for disaster. I could feel myself being almost back to the way I was before the relapse. I could see myself going back to school, maybe attending prom with Edward, and taking my finals on the last two days of school. But I could also see myself collapsing in the parking lot, at the prom, or during my Trig final.

I felt like they were giving me false hope, or that they thought telling me these lies would I would recover faster or something. What they didn't know is I would just prefer them to tell me that I wasn't making any progress, but I wasn't getting any worse. That's what I want them to tell me.

"What do you want to watch?" Cassandra asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

I looked away from the rain dropped window. "Um, I'm actually kind of tired. Do you mind if I just go and rest for a bit?"

Her eyes looked away from the road, but only for a second. She couldn't keep them off like Edward, which I was thankful for. "Are feeling okay? Are you feeling any worse?" She put the back of her hand on my forehead and left it there for a moment. "It doesn't feel like you have a temperature. Do you have the chills?"

"Cassandra, I'm fine, really. I'm just a little tired from all the moving around."

She relaxed slightly. "Oh okay. Of course you can skip the movies. Let's get you into bed," she said pulling into the driveway and turning off the car.

After we got me back into my comfortable bed, she left the room, turning off the light on her way. When I heard her going down the stairs I turned on the light next to my bed and pulled my journal out from under my mattress.

_October 29, 2009_

_I feel _trapped_. Not in the normal trapped in my body or in my house kind of way, but in the way that I'll never fully escape my ending. I know I have the chance, a lot of people know I have a chance, but all those people know it's not going to happen. Everywhere I turn I see the worried looks of my parents; my home nurse, Cassandra; Edward and his family. I can't escape them. The only time I feel like I can is whenever I'm in Edward's arms, when time finally seems like it's slowing down, or stopping completely._

_Today I was told that I was making a great improvement. Soon I will be able to walk around the house without someone having to help me move. When I was told this, however, I wasn't happy. I didn't feel this huge burden removing itself from my shoulders. Instead I felt _trapped_. Everyone is going to be happy and they are seeing this as a miracle. I'm not. I feel as though this is a curse. Maybe if they told me that nothing was changing, nothing getting worse or better, than I would be happy. At least I wouldn't be setting myself up knowing that it will all come crashing down quiet literarily. I just can't get this feeling away from me. I just know that the next time I crash it will be fatal. Coming back from this is one of the hardest things I have had to do. Every bone in my body aches, my head is constantly pounding, after eating something I always feel like I'm going to be sick, and most of the time I do throw it all up. I'm paler than normal, almost as pale as Edward! I have huge bruises under my eyes, but at least I can move, a tiny voice in my head keeps telling me. At least I'm not in the hospital still, just waiting for death to come through my white door to great me and escort me to the other side, if there is another side. With all my knowledge of the world around me, it makes me wonder if there really is something after this and if there is will I with Edward? Of course I will. I guess I'm just scared about life after death. I never really thought about it before, but now it's all I can think about. Especially since I know the end is coming soon, and I do know. I know I won't make it to my senior year and if I make it to the end of this year than I will be surprised. I don't think anyone truly understands how hard coming back from this one is for me. I have had minor relapses in the past, but they only kept me out of school for a week. This one has kept me out for almost a month and no one really understands why._

_I know I'll have to tell them soon, but I can't bring myself to face it._

_Edward tells me that everyone asks about me at least once a day. They all ask if they can visit me. He told them I'm still not in the best condition for visitors, even though that's a lie. I just don't know if I can keep it from them if they were to see me._

_Well maybe I can make it back after Christmas break and finish off the school year. Then I could tell them this summer, if I make it that long._

I closed the book and slid it back under my mattress before turning off my light and falling quickly to sleep.

"Sweetheart," a voice whispered to me, "Wake up Bella."

I groaned and opened my eyes to see Edward gazing down at me brushing a piece of hair out of my face. "Hello," I said softly. "How long have you been sitting there?"

He glanced at the clock, which I did too. It was 5:34. "About three hours. How are you feeling?"

"Fine," I said as I tried to pull myself up, but Edward quickly and carefully put his hand on my neck supporting my head and helped me pull myself into a sitting position.

"Good," he said kissing my forehead. "So what did you do after the doctor's appointment? Carlisle told me the good news."

I looked into his smile and I knew I could never tell him how I truly felt after my appointment. It would crush him. "Just came back here and slept," I said trying to keep my voice light. "After all the moving around I got a little tired."

He nodded, his hand moving up and down my right leg. "Well what would you like to do for the rest of the day? Cassandra told me I have permission to spend the rest of the day with you," he said amused by Cass's protectiveness of me.

"Um," I started, trying to get my head off the fact that his hand was moving up and down my right leg. Every inch of my leg felt the electricity underneath his finger tips. "What did you ask?"

He chuckled and removed his hand from my knee cap and placed it to his side. "Sorry, I knew I was distracting you."

"I didn't mind," I said with a smile playing across my lips.

He sighed and looked in my eyes with intensity. "I haven't seen you smile in such a long time. I've missed it," he said softly.

I felt the blood rush to my cheeks as I ducked my head. He put his index finger under my chin and lifted my head up until our eyes met. "Please don't hide from me anymore." He paused not breaking his lock on my eyes. "You know you can tell me anything."

The way he said this, I knew he knew. He knew I was hiding something. He could tell when I tried to hide my face from him.

"I know," I said slowly, letting out the breath I had been holding in. My chin was tingling slightly.

"Tell me what on your mind, its killing me not knowing," he said his voice pleading to me.

I froze for a moment before I recovered myself. "Nothing interesting," I said in a causal voice, even though I knew he saw me hesitate.

He stared at me for another minute, trying to decide if he should press the matter a little more, it seemed like. When he decided not to he simply stroked my jaw line before he traced my lips, letting them linger there a second longer before his hand dropped onto my lap.

My heat beat quickened as his eyes continued to stare at my lips. _Any longer,_ I thought,_ and I'm going to jump you._

Luckily I didn't have to. He slowly started to lean in before his lips brushed mine. Once again it didn't last as long as I wanted.

By the look on my face, however, Edward chuckled and tucked a stray hair behind my ear. "Bella, you are going to be the death of me."

I pushed that comment aside as I stared at him, making my smile stay into place.

I don't think he realize how much I knew that statement was true. I knew his plan. I could see it in his eyes. And no matter how much he may protest, I will not let that be the case.


	13. Be My Escape

A/N: Thanks everyone for being patient with me! As always a special thanks to Vi0lentSerenity for all your help! Hope you enjoy!

October 25, 2009

I don't own anything includingBe My Escape by Reliant K

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I've been walking around the house for a few minutes waiting for Edward and Carlisle to get here. Cassandra's eyes followed me pace around the kitchen, constantly opening her mouth as if to say something.

As I paced around thinking about what my life would be like after the appointment. Today I would find out if I was healthy to start going to school again. Of course I could only go for a half day, but it was better than nothing.

Lately, I've built myself up so much. I just know I had to do it, but if Edward had his way, I would never go back to school. Though, thinking about it now, it may be easier if I don't go back. I really don't want to answer people's questions about my absence.

Finally a knock came to the door. I eagerly walk to open the door for Carlisle and Edward.

"Hello Bella, I see you are feeling better," Carlisle said a little stunned by my appearance.

I nodded. "I feel just about as healthy as I can be."

He smiled and took me to the couch, Edward following closely behind me not saying a word.

When we all sat down (Cassandra stayed in the kitchen) I looked at Edward, who was sitting in the reclining chair Charlie always sat in. I was on the couch and Carlisle placed himself beside me, yet I couldn't bring myself to look away from Edward's stone face.

"Now Bella, it's been about a month since I told you were progressing quickly for that big of a relapse. I never thought you would recover this tremendously, but as we all know," he dropped his voice so low that I could barely hear him, "love can work miracles."

My eyes flashed back to Edward's face. Even though he still wasn't looking at me, I knew he could hear what Carlisle said. My eyes searched his trying to find something that gave me a clue to what he was thinking. They were worried, calculating, and upset. Why?

"Now," Carlisle said pulling me from my thoughts, "I have spoken to Cassandra for the past two weeks and she has informed me that you have been approving slowly but greatly. Therefore, we have decided that one more week at home than you should be able to attend school. Not the whole day, of course."

I smiled and nodded to him, still looking at Edward. What was wrong?

Carlisle seemed to get that I wanted, no needed, to talk to Edward because he called Cassandra to go outside and discuss what precautions I should take before and after I return to school.

Once the front door was securely shut, I gingerly got up and walked over to Edward. He still refused to look at me. So, I stood by him and gently placed my hand on his shoulder.

It was like he realized I was there, in the same room standing right behind him, for the first time. He reached his arm across his body and covered my hand with his own. He looked at me, his sad eyes staring deeply into my soul, and then looked back down to the floor. His hand was still on mine.

"Talk to me," I whispered.

He sighed and smiled bitterly at his shoes. "There's nothing to talk about."

"There's a lot to talk about."

Without even knowing what happened, I was suddenly on my bed in my room. I blinked and looked around until I saw Edward standing by my dressing leaning against the wall.

"I can't have you standing too long," he said quietly, still looking at the floor.

"Edward, what's wrong?"

When he shook his head at me I just wanted to get up and march right up to him and demand that he tell me. I wanted to grip his jacked and pull him towards me so we could see each other clearly. So I could look him in the eyes and insist he tells me what's going on.

But I couldn't. I didn't realized how much energy that would take until I tried to get up just too simply land back on my bed after my weak arms gave out.

My struggle clearly caught Edward off guard because before I could sigh with frustration, he was sitting beside me, his arm around my waist hold me upright while his eyes searched mine for any type of pain.

"Edward I'm not hurt. I just didn't realize how tired I was," I said waving him off.

He sighed angrily. "This!" he exclaimed, his free hand running through his hair.

"What?" I asked completely thrown off by this sudden burst of frustration.

"This is what's wrong! I'm worried Bella. I'm afraid even! I'm worried that you'll be overwhelmed by people and the work. I'm worried that I won't be there to catch you when you fall or save you anytime you slip. I'm afraid that you will pass out and I won't be able to be there until the bell rings."

He was breathing quite heavily, his eyes boring into mine, his free hand clenched into a fist. I could see the struggle in his eyes, trying to remain calm, and at the same time wanting to yell his frustration and yell about his fears. I remained silent knowing he was not finished.

"You know, if I am not in the same class as you and something happens, I won't be able to do anything. I will be forced to stay in my desk until the bell rings or risk exposing myself and my family." He looked down, shaking his head. "I wish you wouldn't go back to school."

"Edward," I said softly, "you know I have to."

Suddenly, he was up and pacing around my room. He looked so angry and frustrated. Neither emotion was directed at me, however. I felt like he wanted someone to punch him to wake him up or help him make sense of his dilemma.

"Bella," he said his voice pleading with me, "you don't need to go back, though! You can take online classes and have someone here with you at all times. And if something did happen I could just leave, saying something about not feeling well."

I shook my head, not taking my eyes off his face. "No. Edward, you of all people should understand why I have to do this. I have to have some sense of normalness in my life. I have to go back and be with my friends while I still can."

"Bella they can come here and talk to you. You don't need to go back to school to see your friends."

"Edward, I _have_ to do this."

His hands flew up to his hair again as he paced up and down. At that moment, I was afraid. This is not someone I knew. This person was so angry, that it looked as though he wanted nothing else but to punch threw a wall, or kick down a door. This person was destructive. This person was careless.

I could feel myself tense up to his presence. My arms clenched up and my fingers clung to my sheets. My eyes watched his every move with caution.

This was the only time I could remember seeing him for what he truly was. A vampire.

Then he stopped, just like that. He stopped in the middle of my room and turned to me looking defeated.

"I just… I can't do it."

I stared at him for a few seconds. Then I took a deep breath. "Okay I give up."

He sat down next to me and took my hand in his. "Bella, I love you more than anyone could possibly know. I will never leave you and I will _never_ hurt you. I couldn't live with myself if I knew I caused you pain."

I squeezed his hand. "Edward, I know that, and I wish that I could say the same, but I am going to leave you and I am going to-"

He put his finger on my lips to silence me. He slowly shook his head, smiling sadly, locking his eyes with mine. "Bella don't," his said as his finger tips traced my jaw line. "Let's not talk about this now. We don't need to bring up the future. Let's just live in the present, live it to the fullest, and not worry about what's to come."

It took a lot for me to stop myself from rolling my eyes at him. How could we not bring up the inevitable? "Edward-"

"Bella, please."

I sighed and nodded my head slowly. "Fine, what would you like to do then?"

He looked outside, through the rain the trickled down my window. Edward turned back to me, clearly debating whether he should permit me to go outside.

"Bella, I would like to show you something. Do you think Cassandra would allow you stay outside for awhile?"

I shrugged, following his gaze out the window. According to Charlie, it was unseasonably warm out this past week. "I think I could persuade her if I'm bundled up enough."

He smiled and started to pull out warm clothing from my closet. Ten minutes later I was ready for a week in Antarctica.

Edward helped me down the stairs and presented me to Cass for her final decision on the matter. Reluctantly, she allowed me to go on the condition that I only stay out for an hour before Edward brings me home.

We only drove for fifteen minutes before we drove off the road entirely and a minute after that when Edward turned off the car. He helped me out of the car and looked around, debating on the best way to do… something.

"Bella," he said after a few moments, "I'm going to have to run with you. Now I want you to stop me at any time you feel unwell."

I looked at him skeptically. "You've 'run with me' before. Why should this be any different?"

He didn't bother answering me as he carefully placed me on his back. "You may want to close your eyes."

"Why?"

"Just trust me."

I did. I slowly and unsurely closed my eyes. A few seconds later I felt as though I was flying. I buried my face into Edward's should blade as I felt us go faster. I tightened my grip around his neck as I felt us go higher.

I had a rush of adrenaline as we climbed. As I felt my hair whip around me and the wind whistling in my ear, I felt _alive_.

All too soon, though, everything stopped. My hair fell to my back; the wind was silent in my ear. My breathing, which sounded as though I was hyperventilating, was now slowing down. I lifted my head up and relaxed my grasped on Edward's neck. He then placed me on the ground in front of him, having me face him.

"Are you feeling well?" he asked as he placed his icy hand on my cheek. I nodded smiling up at him. He smiled back.

"Where are we?" I asked attempting to turn around, but Edward kept me in my place. I could only see the trees and green moss over behind him.

"This is a place I like to come to on sunny days. I've have never brought anyone up here before because I'm never wanted to show anyone this place, until now." He paused and looked over my head for a second, looking distant. "This is a place where I can be myself. Here I don't have to act like someone I'm not. I can finally show you the real me."

He slowly turned me around and snaked his arm around my waist before whispering in my ear, "Welcome to _our_ meadow."

And it was beautiful. It was a small enclosed circle. There was basically shade everywhere except for a few places where the sun snuck in. Even though it was the end of November, there were still wildflowers growing rapidly around.

"It's beautiful," I whispered, walking into the middle of the meadow. I started to turn around in place, looking up at the sky where the sun was finally showing. Then I turned to look at him.

He was standing in the shadows, in the same spot I left him in, staring at me. My eyes went wide as I went back towards him. He put up his hand to stop me. "Wait Edward!" I yelled.

He ignored me as he stepped out into the sunlight; my heart stopped. But instead of bursting into flames, or turning into ashes, his skin looked as though it was reflecting a thousand diamonds off of it.

I stood there, frozen to the ground. He was even more god like than before. He was beautiful, and that's still not a strong enough word to describe him.

He continued to walk towards me, stopping only a few inches from me. "This is who I am Bella. This is the real me."

I continued to stare at him, not exactly sure how to respond to this figure standing in front of me. He was making himself completely vulnerable to me, in a way I've never been with anyone before.

In a strange way, he was making sure I knew I could trust him with anything. He exposed his true self to me, hoping that I would do the same with him. But could I without hurting him?

"Bella, do you trust me?" his voice whispered in my ear like the wind.

This was the second time he has asked me this, and I have not changed my answer. It never will. Even if I may not agree with him on many things, I still trust that he knows what he's doing and what's best.

"With my life," I said softly.

He smiled at me as he took my hand and once again place me on his back. "Close your eyes," he whispered again, and we were off.

To where, I have no idea. I could only feel his shoulders and legs working mechanically as we climbed. And just like the first time, everything stopped all too suddenly.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to open my eyes yet, so I promptly kept them closed as Edward pulled me around his waist and held me close to his chest.

"Bella, open your eyes," he said gently.

Opening my eyes I was looking out into the sky. I looked down quickly to see where I was, and when I did I clung onto Edward's arm with all the strength I could muster.

He chuckled. "I won't let you, love. I promise."

I looked back to him to see him staring at me intently. I knew he would, I just was never a fan of heights. And this was _way_ too high for me.

We were on a tree branch at the very top of an evergreen tree that was surrounding the forest some twenty feet below us. We were looking out on the valley over the hill from our meadow.

Staring out into the sky, I finally realized why Edward was suddenly doing all these outrageous things. He wanted me to experience everything I could possible do.

Everyone knew, Alice probably even knew when, I was going to die, and it wouldn't be much longer. Sure I'm better now, but this could just be a fluke and I could be back in the hospital in a few weeks. This new found energy was not going to last much longer.

Edward, who knew me the best, still wanted to know me even better. He was showing his true self to me so he could see more into my soul. He just wants to spend every moment with me to get to know me before my time comes.

He started pulling me to the trunk of the tree so he could lean back against it as he held me close to him.

"This is unbelievable," I breathed.

He didn't say anything, he didn't have to. He just pressed his lips to the crown of my head and squeezed me a little tighter into him.

I closed my eyes a leaned my head back on his chest. "Thank you," I whispered.

"Anything for you, love," his voice carried in the wind.

I don't how much longer we stood there before he started to hum a soothing melody to me. My lullaby, I realized.

As we stood there, the clouds spinning slowly around us, I realized I found what I was looking for. Time finally stopped.


	14. One Thing Is For Sure

A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the delay, but I just gave up study for a test for this chapter. Oops, oh well, my mind is just wanting for break that I couldn't concentrate anyways. Well, I hope you like this chapter!

December 22, 2009

I don't own anything, not even One Thing Is For Sure by The Spill Canvas

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"Bella," Edward whispered in my ear as we were sitting on my couch. Edward just got home from school, even though he detested going while I was here, everyone thought it would make my situation seem easier.

"Hmm?" I asked not taking my eyes away from the screen. I was watching a rerun of _ALIAS_ and I was really into it.

"What do you want most out of this life?"

That got my attention. "What do you mean?" I asked turning to look at him. His face was completely serious, not giving away any emotions.

He turned his body completely so that he could look at me fully. "Is there something, anything, that would make this life worth everything? Is there something you just want?"

I thought about it for a moment. Truthfully yes, there is something I want, something that makes living worth all the pain and suffering I'm going through. "You."

"Something you don't already have," he said smiling, brushing my cheek with his thumb.

"But I don't have you. I only have you for a short amount of time. I want you for forever."

"You do have me for eternity. Love, I don't think you understand how much you mean to me." He took my hand in his. "You have all of me, heart and soul (if I even have one). I love you more than anything else in this universe. I cannot image my life without you."

I smiled, looking down at our hands intertwined together. Yes, they looked completely different, I mean his hand was bigger than mine, and ten times colder, and ten times paler; but at the same time they fit so well together.

"What are you thinking?" he asked bending his head down so that he could look into my eyes.

"I wish time could just stop here. Everything just seems to right."

He smiled a little. "Sometimes things would be so much easier if time never continued. Then I could hold you in my arms for eternity," he whispered pulling me into his chest

I buried my face into him as he stroked my hair.

_December 7, 2009,_

_Nothing has been the same. That day in the meadow with Edward changed my life. Time finally stopped. It almost felt like for once I could control my life. The strangest thing, though, is that that's no longer why that day was so important to me. Being there with Edward made me realize something. I love him more than anything else in the world, and for the longest time I was afraid of letting myself feel this way, but now..._

_I want to marry him. Even if I was, I don't think I would ever feel the way I do with Edward with anyone else. I want to be with him for forever. I want us to take a walk for eternity._

I closed my little book and put it under my mattress wondering if Edward would actually ever see this. I wanted to show it to him at some points, to show him that I was ready for anything that would be thrown at us, and that I wanted to be with him for eternity so badly that I would give up my family, my friends, maybe even my soul to be with him.

I don't think I would actually lose my soul though. I mean how could someone as selfless as Edward not have a soul even though he has saved my life in so many different ways that he should have a day named after him.

I smiled at thinking of a national Edward Cullen day. Emmett would get a kick out of that.

I sighed and looked over at my clock. It was two in the morning. Lately I've been really messed up with my sleeping pattern. I would go through days just so exhausted that I actually sleep a good part of that day away. Then other days I would be so wide awake that trying to fall asleep was out of the question.

I looked over to my window as I thought this. Edward was always up. He couldn't sleep being a vampire and everything. Most nights he tends to spend with me while I sleep, but he told me he was going hunting tomorrow, or today I guess, with Emmett. He hasn't been hunting properly since my relapse.

He only takes thirty minutes, if that, to feed so he doesn't have to leave my side for too long. I have been talking him into going for a few weeks, and Emmett just got fed up with him refusing that he told Edward that he would use all his strength and make him go hunting, even if he whined about it the whole time.

When Edward finally did agree, Alice came to me and planned a whole day for the two of us. Edward vetoed her plan so quickly, though. He told her it was too much walking for me and Carlisle agreed. So now I have no idea what I'm doing, all I know is I promised her I would go, and I've been regretting it ever since.

I fell back onto my pillow hoping sleep would finally come over me, but after sitting there for another ten minutes, I pulled myself up carefully and made my way downstairs.

I didn't really know why I was going downstairs, but I figured I could get a drink, considering my throat always seems to be dry.

The hardest part of this little expedition was I couldn't really make it down the stairs by myself anymore. My legs were too sore and I wasn't sure if my arms could take most of the support if I held onto the railing.

I got to the edge of the steps and looked down them. I could do this, I told myself as I gripped the railing. I gingerly let my foot touch the first step, deciding if my leg would be able to hold my weight. I looked down at my leg, flimsy now with barely any muscle, it was basically skin and bones now. I couldn't help but notice that I was getting some fat on them though.

After realizing that my leg was strong enough I allowed the rest of my weight to come forward, still holding most with my arms, and made my way down the steps. Ten minutes later, I finally made it and slowly crept to the kitchen.

After a quick glass of water, I made my way over to the couch realizing I could make it up the stairs without a death wish, no joke intended. I took up the whole couch trying to get comfortable, but at the same time stretched out so my limbs wouldn't be too sore in the morning.

I grabbed the blanket hanging off the back of the couch and threw it on top of me as I stared off into space, hoping that sleep might finally greet me.

I thought back to my most recent journal entry. I know I wrote that I wanted to marry Edward, and I do, but maybe it wouldn't be for the best. I mean Edward made it perfectly clear that he did not want to change me because he was afraid that he would take away my soul. So then what?

We might be married for a week, a month, maybe a couple of months if we were lucky. I didn't want that entirely. I wanted to married to him for the rest of eternity. I wanted to live with him for forever. For his forever.

I know it sounds selfish, but I don't just want to be a chapter in his life when he is a whole novel in mine. Before him there was nothing, and now...

Now he was everything. He was my life. He brings me out of this world were all I can think about is death because it surrounds me everywhere I go. Sure it's ironic considering he is dead but being with him just makes me forget.

Maybe I'm just over thinking this all. After all, we've only known each other for a few months and who knows how long I might actually live. Maybe by the time death greets me; Edward will be ready to change me.

I was flying, soaring high above the clouds; mountains on my left and the moon shining on my right. The wind blew my hair along my neck; my spirit as free as I was. I felt as though I could control everything. Make time stop, cure my illness, or be with Edward indefinitely.

"Bella. Bella, wake up!" a voice called making the clouds around me shake.

The voice groaned. "Bella, you promised we would do something today!"

I fluttered my eyes open slowly to see Alice standing over me with an impatient look on her face. "What?" I asked rubbing my eyes.

"Edward is gone for one day and you promised me we would actually hang out. So, you can't spend the whole day sleeping!"

I rolled my eyes at her as I rolled over to my other side, trying to fall asleep again.

"No, no, no," Alice said gently, but forcefully, grabbing my shoulders and turning me back over. "Come on Bella! We only have four hours till Edward comes back from his hunting trip."

"I thought you said he was gone all day," I said not bothering to open my eyes.

She sighed. "No, he can barely stand to be away from you for one hour, let alone twenty-four. Emmett is practically holding him prisoner to get him to hunt for eight."

I groaned sitting up slowly. The blood rushed to my head, almost making me fall back over. "How long have I been asleep?"

Alice looked over her shoulder to check the clock. "About six. Emmett literally had to drag Edward out of here. He hates leaving when you're asleep."

I cocked my head to the side. "Why?" She shrugged. "Okay then, what do you want to do?"

She smiled and fluttered beside me on the couch. "Well you're really not supposed to be doing too much..." she said trailing off.

"And you want to go shopping?"

She nodded, and then sighed. "But Edward would probably kill me." She looked over at my TV and then back to me. "Suppose we could go to my house and watch some movies," she said. I thought I heard a hint of sadness in her voice. Wrong. "Oh, I can give you a pedicure and manicure! Let's go!" she said grabbing my hand and quickly carrying me to the car.

Three hours, two movies and a mani/pedi later and I found myself in Edward's room, on his couch while Alice was cooking something for me to eat.

I started to read the artist from his collection of CDs. There was Bruce Springsteen, Billy Joel, Beatles; then there were some from this decade with All Time Low, Boys Like Girls, and The Spill Canvas. Then there were some I didn't even recognize like Jean-Yves Thibaudet and Grath Brooks.

I, myself, was never really into music, even before I got diagnosed. I just would rather have silence than rap music blaring in the background. However, I got my musical education from my friends. Jessica was into Nelly, Ciara, Kelly Clarkson, and Ne-Yo; whereas Angela listened to Cute is What We Aim For, Good Charlotte, Kate Voegele, and Jer Coons.

I started to gaze through all the albums. They all looked basically new, although they were very old-at least some of them were. It was amazing how many he had. They took up the whole wall. I wondered which his favorites were. I would have to ask him.

I suddenly found my eyes drooping again. I tried to concentrate on a album label, but my eyes seemed to be winning.

I was waking up slowly, refusing to open my eyes. I was so comfortable. I never realized how comfortable his couch was. Maybe I could pick one just like it. I mean I can't remember the last time I slept so well.

Wait.

There seemed to be a wall right in front of me, but I had my back to the back of the couch. A cold wall with an arm across my side. I suddenly felt something circling my back sending little shocks through my nerves.

I slowly fluttered my eyes open, only to be engulfed by more darkness. When my eyes adjusted I saw Edward's face smiling at me.

"Good evening love," he said softly as he kissed my forehead. "How are you feeling?"

I let out a slow breath. "I'm just a little stiff and sore, but other than that I feel fine," I said with a small smile.

He looked a little uneasy, but didn't say anything. He brushed some of my hair out of my face. "So what did you do with your day? Alice didn't make you do too much, did she?" he asked, his voice soft and light, but his eyes worried.

I shook my head. "No, we just watched a few movies."

"And did your nails," he observed.

I blushed and nodded. "Against my will."

He chuckled. He started to trace my jaw line staring into my eyes intently.

"Um," I started feeling awkward. Gee great start. "What time is it?"

He shrugged still looking into my eyes, a small smile playing across his lips. "About three in the morning."

Hmm, that's nice. Now Charlie is probably freaking out and calling everyone and every hospital in a fifty mile radius. He probably has the police force out searching every rock, corner, and street in this town and the next. But here I am, laying in Edward's arms, on his couch, completely safe. Lovely.

"Alice called your father and told him you were staying over. I'm supposed to be out of town with Emmett hiking," Edward said quickly noticing the worried look in my eyes.

"Didn't Charlie want me home? I mean I did just get over a major relapse," I said as Edward started to trace circles on the small of my back.

"You were asleep when Alice made the call. He didn't want to wake you up. Plus he trust Carlisle to take good care of you."

I nodded, yawning. How could I still be this tired? I pretty much slept the whole day away. Edward seemed to notice because he covered me up with the blanket he got from behind me. As he did this I buried my face into his chest, and fell quickly asleep.

The next time I opened my eyes it was light outside, but Edward was still staring at me intently.

"What's wrong?" I asked groggily, rubbing my eyes.

"Nothing at all, love."

My stomach growled suddenly, reminding me I haven't eaten in almost twenty-four hours. Edward smiled as he pulled me up and carried me slowly downstairs to the kitchen and placed me on the counter.

"What would you like to eat?" he asked pulling pots and pans out of thin air it seemed.

I thought about it, not really knowing what sounded good. Also, I had no idea if Edward could actually cook. I mean why need to when you don't eat anything? "Chocolate Chip Pancakes?" I asked.

He smiled and nodded as he went to work. A minute, literally, later he was pouring the batter onto the skillet and turning towards me, placing his hand on both sides of me.

"Are you feeling better?"

I shrugged because I really didn't get a chance to stretch out my joints. Edward slowly leaned in and kissed me softly on the lips.

"How about now?" he asked pulling away with a teasing smile on his lips.

I wanted to grab his head and pull him back towards me. "Much," I whispered, reaching my hand out to pull him back towards me. He chuckled, but kissed me again slowly, making me catch my breath, but pulled away much too soon, reluctantly pulling his hands off of my waist, to take the pancakes off the stove.

He reached into the fridge to grab some whip cream and sprayed a bit on my two pancakes. I smiled at him. He seemed like he seemed like this was a natural thing, to get up and make breakfast, almost like he does it everyday.

"You know," I said as he handed me the plate, "Charlie would kill you if he saw you feeding me this."

He smiled twisting a piece of hair behind my ear, letting his hand trace my jaw line momentarily. "At least you are eating. You could have asked me for Chinese food from China and I would have gotten it for you if you would eat it."

I giggled picturing him digging to China for me as I plopped a piece of my pancake into my mouth.

I looked up at him to find him staring at me again. I opened my mouth to ask him, but he got there first. "What are you thinking?"

I rolled my eyes at him, taking another bite. I just wanted to close my eyes and savior the moment, these were probably the best pancakes I've ever tasted. The chocolate chips were just melting in my mouth, and the pancake was so fluffy, it was just crazy. "I was actually wondering what you were thinking of."

He smiled secretively and shrugged. "Nothing out of the ordinary."

Ugh. That was annoying. How am I supposed to know what ordinary thinking is for a 109 year old vampire?

Why was Edward being to cryptic with me today? It's like every time I ask him something he doesn't give me a straight answer. It's almost like he is trying to figure out when to do something, or if he should even do it at all. Anytime I looked into his eyes they were calculating something, or looking at me in such a way that it made me blush uncontrollably.

I looked around his kitchen, realizing for the first time that his family wasn't anywhere to be seen. "Where is everyone?" I asked him as he cleaned up my plate.

"Carlisle is at the hospital. Esme, Rosalie, and Alice are all shopping. Emmett and Jasper went hunting again," he said turning back towards me.

"What are they shopping for?"

He shrugged with a small smile. "Just some dresses."

Edward slowly walked towards me, still sitting on the counter, and kissed me again on the lips. My legs parted so that he could come closer to me. I could feel the smile on his lips as he arched my back into him. Getting caught up in the moment, I wrapped my arms around him, letting my hands intertwine in his hair. He, however, slowly parted from me to kiss my forehead, my nose, and then my lips again lightly before backing away from me.

I smiled up at him and he wrapped his arms around my waist once more. He let a slow breath out as he continued to stare into my eyes.

"Edward," I whispered, not looking away from his eyes, "will you tell me what you are really thinking?"

He gave me his crooked smile and look down. "I was just thinking about how much I love you, Bella," he said looking back up to meet my eyes.

I looked down sheepishly. "You know I love you too."

He nodded slowly as he gently placed him fingertips under my chin and pushed my head up to meet his eyes again. We stared at each other for a few more moments, and I suddenly realized everything. Everything I seemed to be wanting was happening, things I never thought would happen, things I never thought I would experience.

He finally broke the silence. "I know you do, love." He paused as he pulled something out of his jean pocket without releasing me from his gaze. "Bella, there has been something I have been wanting to ask you for awhile now."

"Yes," my voice barley audible.

He gave me a small smile. "Isabella, will you be my wife?"

He pulled the little velvet box in between us and opened it slowly, revealing a diamond ring.

I gaped at it. How could someone like him want to be with someone like me? This almost seemed too good to be true. Suddenly I seemed to be looking at him with a blurry vision, I realized that tears were streaming down my face.

"This was my mother engagement ring. She gave it to me on her deathbed and told me to give it to the woman who captured my heart.

"Bella you stole my heart the moment I saw you. I don't care how long we may live as husband and wife, all I know is that I love you more than I could ever love another person. Marry me."

I continued to stare at the lovely ring. I want to marry him more than anything I have ever wanted, but could I be okay with only being his wife for a few weeks, or months before I die? "I want to be with him for eternity," I whispered.

I love him much more than my own life, and I never want to be apart from him even though I know I will leave this planet and his life soon. Though knowing I will have something this special, even if it's only for a little while, should be enough, right?

I looked up at Edward, finally, and nodded, wordlessly, with tears streaming down my cheeks.

He was overjoyed. He kissed away my tears slowly and then kissed me on the lips slowly, his lips moving rhythmically against mine. I moved my hands up his arms, as he deepened this kiss sending electric shocks down my back. I never felt this passion before, yet he was still restraining himself. He was very careful.

When he pulled away he picked me up and placed me lightly on the floor to kiss me again. Then he got down on one knee and held the little velvet box with the diamond ring in it up to me.

He looked up at me with loving eyes and my favorite crooked smile. I nodded again while whispering, "Yes."

He took my hand in his, kissing every finger until he found the one and put the ring on my hand where it would remain for the rest of my life.


	15. Lightning Crashes

A/N: I know it took me a little while longer than I planned to get this next chapter out, but things have been crazy here. Plus the snow is driving me insane! Ugh I can't wait for summer. Anyways basketball is almost over, and I'm taking my driving test on Thursday! I'm so nervous! Also I plan on getting the next chapter out by Jan 28 because then my story will be one year old! Yay:)

As always special thanks to Vi0lentSerenity, without you I doubt this story would be this good.

January 15, 2010 (that's weird)

I don't own anything, so don't even think about saying I do. I don't own the characters or the title Lightning Crashes, that belongs to Live.

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**Edward's POV**

I looked down at the sleeping girl in my arm. I watched her breaths go in and out not understanding how she could be with someone like me. I never understood how I deserved someone like her in my life.

I smiled a half-hearted smile as I looked at the ring on her left finger, _my_ ring. It belonged to my mother, and on her deathbed she told me to give it to the girl who would change my world, the girl I loved with my entire soult-with my entire soul. Here she was, sleeping in my arms.

"Edward," she whispered in her sleep.

My non-beating heart swelled when I heard my name escaped her lips. How would I live without it, without her?

I mental shook myself. How could I think of such a thing? How could I even consider another option? How could I take away the world of sunlight, cursing her to an eternity in shadows? She would never forgive me, and that was something I could not live with.

The love of my life, my existence was dying. Of course, that is bound to happen when she is going to marry someone like me, someone who never ages and never dies. But her life should last longer than a few weeks, months.

My love has cancer, a terminal cancer. No one was sure how much longer she was going to live, not even Alice. She was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. Knowing this made my dead heart ache with pain. It made me feel hopeless, weak almost. Looking at her and knowing that she is slowly dying is something I can barely take. I can barely take it when I look into her deep, chocolate brown eyes and know she may never see the sun rise again.

Well, there was one way; one way that I refused to think about even if that is all she wants. It's all I want as well, but I couldn't even begin to think how I could live with myself if I knew I destroyed her soul. She would be a damned monster for eternity.

I brushed a piece of hair off of her peaceful face and traced my fingers down her jaw line, her skin warm and smooth underneath my cold fingertips.

Why couldn't I just change her, bring her over so to speak. Why couldn't I just save her life, like Carlisle saved mine as well as the rest of my family? It's not like I was taking away her life if she was already dying, right?

_But it's not fair to her_, a little voice (that was my own for a change) said inside my head._ She would have to live and witness everyone she has ever cared about die around her, while she remains 17 _forever_. She would have to see her family grieve her death, even though she is alive, in a sense. How could you make her go through that pain?_

I couldn't put her through all of that. That was my answer. I couldn't take away her life like that. I loved her too much to witness her go through that pain. Yet at the same time, I was too selfish to let her die. I wanted to spend the rest of my eternity with her. I never wanted to leave her side.

Suddenly a warm hand flew up to brush my cheek. I went ridged. Then I looked down to see two deep and beautiful brown eyes staring up at me. My face relaxed and smiled at her before kissing her softly on her forehead.

"What's wrong," I asked my fiancé. if that was all he was going to say then you should end his statement with a question -Erica Sanes 1/3/10 1:10 AM

She looked so small, so fragile. Like any moment she might make would break her. She had deep bags under her eyes from tossing and turning most of the night. Her face was fuller than it has been, but it was still deathly pale, her eyes almost betraying all her emotions. Fear, comfort, pain, exhaustion, joy, love, and concern. Her arms were limp at her sides as she looked up at me, for she was still weak and could barely raise them. It was taking her longer and longer to gain her full strength in the morning. Sometimes I feared she would never gain it; every minute made me fear that she was getting worse.

She shrugged slowly, yawning. "You looked a little worried," her voice hoarse with sleep.

I shook my head, trying to put on a brave face for her. It keeps getting harder and harder to lie to her. "I'm not worried, just thinking."

She nodded, not convinced I should think. "What are you thinking of?"

"I was thinking about how beautiful you are going to look in a white dress," I said seriously, but with a teasing smile.

I could picture her walking down the aisle, being the girl I first met. I could see her carrying herself in between the seats as she made her way to me. I could see her being healthy again, with her brown hair flowing down her back and her eyes boring into mine like she could see through me into my, well whatever I had. Her white dress would be flowing around her giving her a glow of pure happiness as I took her hand and led her to the priest. Her full lips, when we are pronounced husband and wife, as I lean forward to kiss her.

Bella made a face, not wanting to think of it herself.

We've been engaged for a few days now, and she still hasn't decided on when she wants to tell her family. She worried that they won't think it's a good idea, considering her condition.

I chuckled and kissed her on the cheek. "Try to get some rest, love."

She rolled her eyes at me, but turned into me, nuzzling her face into my chest and closing her eyes. I could hear her breaths starting to come to an even pace, slowing down, and I could feel her body go completely relaxed next to mine.

I ran my fingers through her hair. What am I going to do if she collapses again? What if I'm hunting and _it_ happens? How would I live with myself?

I looked back down at my sleeping angel. Alice has been telling me ever since we found out about her condition that I need to prepare myself. I can't take the blame for what happens to her. I need to make my decision.

But I'm not prepared. I will take the blame. I cannot make a decision on her mortality. I could not, will not, damn her.

Later that day Bella and I were sitting on her couch, like we have been doing a lot lately, watching TV. Bella, lately, has really been into the TV show _ALIAS_. I ever quiet understood her fascination, but I almost never paid attention to the episodes; I was always watching her.

Cassandra, Bella's house nurse, was in the kitchen reading a book at the moment, so I laid down on the couch and pulled Bella into my chest. She giggled, nuzzling further into me. I could feel her pulse quicken with my touch, her breath stop short as I wrapped my arms around her waist. It always made me smile, knowing how much she loved me.

I started to twist pieces of her hair around my finger, watching her delicate face, until I heard a car coming down the street. I search for a mind to read so I could get an idea of who it was. It's too early for Charlie to be home.

_Oh, she's going to be so excited!_ Bella's youthful mother thought.

I smiled. Bella is going to be ecstatic. The last time she saw her mother was just after she got out of the hospital. Renee is going to be so pleased with how far Bella has come in her recovery.

_I hope she likes her house nurse. I wonder if Edward is going to be there. Maybe her friend Alice will be, Bella told me how much she liked her,_ Renee's voice said coming to a stop in front of Bella's house.

"Someone's hear to surprise you, love," I whispered in her ear so that only she could hear me.

She twisted in my arms. "Who?" she asked looking worried.

I smiled and kissed her gently on the lips, making my nonliving heart jump in my chest. I inhaled her intoxicating scent before getting up off the couch and pulling Bella into a sitting position. "Trust me, you're going to love it."

Just then the doorbell rang.

_Oh, I cannot wait to see my little girl!_ Renee thought.

"I've got it, Bella. You stay right there," Cassandra said coming into the room.

Bella rolled her eyes at me, but she had a smile on her face.

Cassandra and Bella had their differences when she first came to take care of Bella, but Bella has grow to love Cassandra, even though she often complains about how protective she is sometimes. I was grateful for it, however.

"Bella," Cassandra called from behind us, "someone wants to see you."

Bella turned around to see Renee beaming at the both of us. Bella smile lit up the whole room as her shaking arms tried to pull herself up off the couch. I quickly put my hand around her arm and helped her up. She smiled warily at me and walked quickly over to her mom, careful not to trip.

"Mom!" she said hugging her.

"Bella! Oh honey, you look so much better!" Renee exclaimed. "How do you feel?"

"I'm fine."

But she wasn't. This morning was a hard morning. She got sick around four in the morning, her skin was clammy and paler than usual. She couldn't hold herself up for a good part of the morning because her legs gave out too easily. She still hasn't eaten anything since yesterday's dinner, and she had bruises up and down her arms from gently bumping into a draw, the railing, the wall, and myself.

I watched her carefully as her and her mother caught up, ready to dive and catch her from falling to the floor. Cassandra noticed my concern and eased Bella into a chair around the kitchen table.

Bella's eyes quickly met my own. I flashed her a quick smile so she wouldn't worry, it didn't work. Her body tense, she thought something bad was going to happen.

I tried to walk as fast as a normal human does to her side and place my cold hand on her shoulder. "You're fine, love. I'm just worrying too much," I whispered into her ear.

Renee was at the kitchen counter, fixing herself something to drink. Her eyes flickered up to Bella and I, her hand on top of my hand on her shoulder. Renee smiled and looked back down.

"We should tell her," Bella whispered suddenly.

"Whenever you are ready," I whispered back not pretending to not know what she's talking about.

I've known this would be the week we tell her parents. Alice so kindly showed it to me this morning when I went home to change my clothes before showing back up at Bella's door so they would think I actually did go home at nine o'clock the evening before.

I stood behind her and gave her a very gentle squeeze on her nodded and leaned her head back to rest on my stomach, closing her eyes.

I smoothed her hair back. "Are you tired?"

She shook her head, keeping her eyes closed. "Just trying to figure out what to say," she said sighing deeply.

I smiled amusingly. "Do you think they will ban me from seeing you ever again? Or maybe they will send you to a convent?"

She tried, unsuccessfully, not to smile. "No, but maybe Charlie will take his gun to your head for corrupting me."

"I corrupted you?"

"You have shown me a different kind of love, something I have never known, and something I didn't know existed," she said simply.

"I was thinking the same thing about you."

"And then if Charlie knew how old you really are," she said sighing and shaking her head. She smiled. "He would handcuff you right now and put you in a cell."

I smiled. "He couldn't catch me."

"True." She opened her eyes and looked up into mine. "Do we really need to tell them? Can't we just go to Vegas and tell them afterwards?"

I arched one of my eyebrows. "You think they would accept us better if we got married without telling them?"

"No, but then they couldn't try and talk us out of it. Plus I don't want a big, fancy wedding."

I flashed my eyes up to Renee who was now talking to Cassandra in the corner of the kitchen. Quickly reading their thoughts, I knew they couldn't hear us.

"You know," I said looking back down at her, "Alice would not be very happy."

"It's not her day," Bella said stubbornly.

"No, it's our day." I bent over and kissed her on forehead. She closed her eyes at the touch of my lips, inhaling deeply, heart racing. My body, out of habit, raised itself back up much to soon for my liking, but I knew I had to be more careful the normal.

Bella opened her eyes slowly, taking a deep breath. "What were we talking about?"

I chuckled. It was so easy to distract her sometimes. "Isabella, we need to tell them today."

Her smile faded from her lips. "I don't think I can Edward. I'm just so afraid they wouldn't understand."

I cupped her face in my hands. "They must know, love. You are their only daughter, you can't keep this from them."

"I don't want to, I just don't want a lecture to ruin this."

I smiled weakly at her. I couldn't promise that they wouldn't try to talk her out of this marriage. After all, it's not common for a couple to get married when they are seventeen anymore.

I brushed her hair back. "No one is going to ruin this for you, for us. I'm not going to let them."

"So we aren't going to tell them?" she asked looking down.

I smirked. "No, love, we are going to tell them when Charlie walks through that door, but if they are about to protest, how about I pick you up and just run out the door?"

She musical laugh softened me. "You promise?"

I smiled and kissed her lightly on the lips. "I promise," I whispered as I pulled away from her.

I pulled her close to me and smoothed her hair back. Renee and Cassandra ended their talk and joined us in the living room. Seconds later Charlie walked through the door.

Bella's body tensed at the sound of the door opening. I gently squeezed her arm as Charlie came and joined us.

"Are you ready?" I whispered in her ear. She shook her head quickly, causing everyone's attention turn to focus on us.

"Renee, Charlie, Cassandra, Bella and I must tell you something," I started, moving Bella gently to the side so they could understand this was serious.

Bella touched my arm softly. I looked back at her and she nodded, silently telling me she wanted to tell them. I smiled at her.

"Mom, Dad, I need you to know how happy I am, and no matter what you say I'm not changing my mind."

"Bella, what's wrong?" Renee asked sitting up straighter.

_What happened? Is she in some kind of trouble? Is there something more between Edward and Bella than I thought?_ Renee's "voice" streamed in panic across my mind.

_Why are they so formal about this? Are they… no Renee would never allow it._ Charlie's quiet voice unknowingly echoed Renee's conclusion.

_I knew it! So they may only be in high school, but Bella is never going to have a normal life. This may be her only chance in the true happiness she has been waiting for._ Cassandra's thoughts were welcoming. At least someone seemed to be on Bella's side.

"Mom, nothing's wrong. It's just that… it's just…" Bella's voice trailed off. She looked back at me and took my hand. It was almost as though she was tapping me into the wrestling ring.

"Renee, Charlie, I love your daughter very much, and a week ago I asked her for her hand in marriage. Bella accepted."

"Bells," Charlie started.

At the same time Renee said, "Isabella."

My love held up her hand slowly. "Before you say anything I want you to know that I love Edward as much as he loves me. Nothing you say can change my mind. I want to marry him. I'm going to marry him."

Cassandra had tears silently streaming down her face. She wanted to get up and hug Bella and myself, but she wanted to make sure her parents accepted us.

Charlie didn't know what to think. He knew this was going to come sooner or later because of Bella's condition, but he was worried. Worried that I was only marrying her because I knew this may not last long.

I understood, but I was hurt. Couldn't he see that his daughter was the core of my existence? Couldn't he tell by the way I look at her that I could never love another woman for as long as I live? He didn't understand the connection I had with Bella, he didn't understand that I would do anything for her. I would go to the ends of the Earth to find a cure for her, but I couldn't.

Charlie didn't see the pain, the struggle, I have to go through every day. He doesn't understand the love I had, he doesn't see the love in my eyes. He only sees a high school boy, in love for the first time. He doesn't see the 109 vampire who has never experienced such a thing like this before. Bella is my _la tua cantante_, which in a sick and twisted way, made our love stronger, making her someone I will never forget about and regret losing everyday on my very long life. Charlie just didn't know this.

Renee was… shocked to say the least. She hasn't been around us as much as Charlie has, but she could see in that short time she was here how much I cared for Bella. Renee could see I loved her, and she could see that Bella loved me as well. Renee would accept us, but she was worried of what this might do to Bella when her time comes to leave this world. She was worried Bella would be more unhappy at the end than she would be without a husband.

That I also understood, that was the only thing that kept me from proposing to her sooner. I was worried that I would make everything harder on her, especially now that she understood that I could save her life.

Renee looked at Charlie, then as Cassandra who now had three black lines of mascara running down her cheeks. Renee smiled a little at her and then looked back at Charlie.

To Bella they seemed to be having a silent agreement. I, however, knew that they both agreed that they would support us, for Bella's sake.

They finally turned to us. Bella's heart was racing; her hand still clasped mine tightly.

Renee stood up and walked over to us. She bent down and sat on the edge of the coffee table and took Bella's free hand. "We give you our blessing," she said smiling.

Bella let out the breath she has been holding and relaxed, hugging her mother. Cassandra squealed and run over to hug us both. Charlie come over than too, hugging Bella and nodded to me. We would be having a talk soon enough.

They all went into the kitchen to give us some privacy and talk about wedding plans, while making dinner. Bella turned around, locking her arounds around my neck, and smiled a smile that made me catch my own breath.

"Now I'm ready for Alice," she whispered.


	16. How To Save A Life

A/N: Hey guys, sorry it took me a little longer than normal. I had a little writer's block, but suddenly I hear the song this chapter is named after and it all just fell into place. The next chapter is already typed and Beta'd so I'll probably have it up by tomorrow/today or Sunday. Anyways I hope you like this chapter and as always a special thanks to Vi0lentSerenity.

April 17, 2010

I don't own anything, not even How To Save A Life by The Fray.

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_March 12, 2010 (well the 13__th__ now, it's 1:00)_

_I can't sleep. The wedding is in full swing now. The engagement is going to be short to say the least. Edward proposed to me only four weeks ago, and yet we are going to be getting married in a matter of ten days. Yes, the date was set for March 23. Alice picked it today, or rather yesterday. _

_Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy to be starting a new life with Edward. I love him more than anything in this world. I only wish that I could be doing this wedding the way I want. I wish I didn't have to rush through everything because they are afraid that I won't be alive much longer._

_I've taken a turn for the worst, nothing drastic yet, just noticeable; bruises are happening more often, and I've been looking very shallow, my skin almost translucent. Edward is being too careful with me, he barely even wants to touch me for fear he might give me one of the many bruises covering my body. He tries so hard to be normal around me, and act like he did before any of this happened, but it's hard for him seeing me struggle to sit up in the morning. He can barely keep the worry out of his face anytime I struggle down the stairs, or stumble when I walk down the hall. He wants to show me that he can deal with everything, but I can see the pain in his eyes, his need to put me back together, even though this is well past his control. Sometimes when he sees me, he has this tortured look that makes me want to rush over to him and tell him that I'm okay, that we are going to make it through anything, that he doesn't have to hold all this heart inside him, that he doesn't have to blame himself that happened well before I knew him._

_But I can't._

_I can't rush over because it's physically impossible for me. I just want to scream out in anger! But I can't, I won't actually. I don't want anyone worrying about me anymore than they already are. So I guess everything needs to be the way it is._

I closed my journal and placed it back under my mattress. I leaned my head back against my wall and pulled my legs up to my chest so that I could rest my chin on my knees. What am I really thinking? How can I be upset about everything going on with the wedding? I got every wish I wanted.

Edward's family, except for maybe Rosalie, loves me and is so happy that I'm marrying their brother/son. My family has accepted the fact that I'm getting married at 17 to 109 year old vampire, even though they don't know that. Plus Alice is making sure I approve of everything, and is truly making this a fairytale wedding. A very twisted fairytale wedding. So why am I upset?

_Because you're dying_, a little voice said to me._ You're not going to be able to look back twenty years from now and point to the pictures of you and your husband and tell your children that you have always loved him. You'll be dead by than. Besides vampires can't have children, they're dead too._

The truth hurts, but it was right there in my head and it was being very blunt with me tonight.

I let out a deep breath and looked out my frosted window into the night sky, wishing Edward was here with his arms wrapped around me, humming my lullaby softly in my ear. He can always sooth away my worries when he's with me. But he's hunting.

I wasn't actually supposed to know that he went. I was sleeping when he left and he figured he would be back before I woke up, but just in case he left me a note on my pillow.

Why did life have to be so cruel?

I finally found someone amazing, someone who can see right through my soul, someone who feels like the person I belong with, almost like a soul mate.

But this, of course, happens right when I'm dying. I couldn't have found him two years ago when I first started to get sick; it couldn't even happen a year ago so that I would have a least one sweet full year with him. Nope. It had to happen just when my dying.

It just happened so quickly. I mean one moment it seemed like he hated me because he saved me from dying, ironically, when Tyler's van almost smashed me. Now we're getting married and we only met five months ago. Time flies when your life is on the line.

I groaned stretching out my legs. My knees were beginning to hurt too much. With a grunt, I managed to lay myself back on my side to hopefully let sleep find me. But, just like before, my mind was wheeling with questions, concerns about the wedding, and everything else in the world.

In the afternoon, Alice is going to bring over three wedding dresses to help me try on, and then she has a chef coming over so that my mother, Cassandra, and I can try food for the wedding. After that is done Edward gets to come back and help me pick a song for our first dance as husband and wife.

Meanwhile, all I really want to do is go to Vegas, get married, and then never leave my bed again because it takes too much energy out of me. Energy I just can't seem to find anymore.

I rolled over to my other side so that I could see what time it was. I closed my eyes for a long time wishing I could be anyone else. It was 2:31, and I was still wide-awake, and my vampire prince was still missing.

I stared out into my darkened room waiting for sleep to come and find me. As it finally did, I couldn't stop myself from wondering what kind of dress would look good on someone like me.

I groaned silently. It didn't even feel like I fell asleep at all, I was even wondering if it was just a false alarm and I would open my eyes to see bright green numbers flashing 2:33 A.M or something.

I cold hand brushed my hair away from my neck as a pair of cold lips kissed me.

"Good morning, sweetheart," a voice that warmed me all the way down to my toes said softly.

My eyes fluttered open as a smile spread across my lips. The clock said 7:13 A.M. So I really didn't sleep too long.

I rolled my eyes as I spun to my other side so I could see my vampire prince. He looked just as breathtaking as ever. His bronze hair gleaming from the sun's rays coming through my window. Tiny specks covered the left side of his face, a thing that is cause by the sun. His eyes were boring into mine, showing me how much he loves me. His arms circled around me, careful not hurt me.

"Morning," I said softly, having not gain the full strength of my voice

"You looked tired, you should try to go back to sleep," he whispered running his fingertips along my jaw line.

I smiled half-heartedly. "I'm having trouble sleeping, actually."

He nodded, concern filling his eyes. "Are you feeling well?"

"I just have a little headache, that's all."

He nodded, his eyes scanning my body for new bruises. He also seemed to be getting ready to spring up and rush me to the hospital at any moments.

"Hey," I said resting my hand on his cheek, "I'm fine. You don't have to worry so much."

He gave me a weak smile.

Then it was just silence. We stared into each other's eyes and all I could think about was why wouldn't he change me. I just didn't get it. Did he not want to deal with me for the rest of eternity, or did he really just not want to damage my soul?

Edward flipped to his back, suddenly, and let out a deep sigh.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I wish," he said so softly, that I had to strain my ears just to hear him, "not only that I could read your mind, but that I could be strong enough."

"Strong enough for what?"

"For this, Bella." In the blink of an eye he was perched on one elbow looking into my eyes. "Look at me. I will never get sick, I will never die; I'm a medical miracle! Then look at you. You're sick…dying," he said hoarsely, "you won't belong to this world much longer.

"But what really kills me, no pun intended, is that you are the most perfect human being I know! _You_ don't deserve this fate. You should be living till you are a hundred-years-old. Whereas I, I should have died ninety-odd years. I deserve this illness fate has so coldly bestowed upon you."

Edward, as fast as before, returned to his previous position, lying on his back with his eyes closed, like that last rant never happened.

The only indication that I didn't dream it all is very quietly he whispered, "I hate that I have to watch this illness consume you."

I looked down at him as tears started to form in my eyes. I didn't want to cry, I wanted to be strong, I wanted everyone to think that I wasn't scared, but in truth I was terrified of losing him, and, pretty much, only him.

I rested my head on his chest. His arms soon snaked around my waist and held me close to him. I felt his lips on my head as we laid there staring at nothing, yet thinking about everything. We wished we could just get a glimpse of what the other was thinking, but wishing has gotten us nowhere so far, so why should it be any different now?

"Edward," my hoarse voice called.

"Yes, my love?"

"I love you."

I could hear the soft chuckle before he answered. "I love you too Bella; more than you will ever know."

About an hour later Edward jumped out my window before Renee rushed into the room telling me to get up because Alice was here with the dresses.

Even if this doesn't make any sense at all, the talk I had with Edward somehow gave me the energy I needed. Somehow knowing that he, a vampire who has been living for over 100 years, was not strong enough, made me feel strong. Yes, I know it doesn't make sense, but I needed to know that he needed me as much as I needed him.

So for the rest of the morning, I tried on dress after dress with that newfound energy. I tried them on just waiting for one to jump out at me, one that I could look myself in the mirror and actually picture myself with Edward standing right next to me. Yet, none spoke to me, none had that crystallizing moment you see in the movies, none made my pale skin look good. Each just made me look more like a ghost than a beautiful bride.

Alice was trying to be patient with me, but there were plenty she thought were just perfect for me. But I always found something wrong with them.

"Bella, what's the matter with this one? I think it looks just beautiful on you," Alice said after the seventh dress. She was hanging up a pretty white dress with a strap on the right side, and the other side was strapless. The right side came over the left like it was a wrap, and it went to the floor, perfectly circling outward.

"Yes Bella, I thought you looked just perfect in it as well," Esme said as Renee nodded beside her.

"It clashed too much with my skin. I looked like a ghost," I said sitting on the floor with my back against the wall, now in my sweats and t-shirt again.

"A very pretty ghost," Cassandra joked tapping me lightly on the knee.

I rolled my eyes at her as Alice danced back over to me with another dress in her hands. "Okay this is the last one I brought over today. I can always go out and get you more, but I think this one will be perfect for you."

"You've said that about the last seven," I said wincing as I struggled to get up. Cass immediately came to my rescue and pulled me up.

"Well, I really mean it this time. I've pictured you in this dress for awhile," Alice said all-knowingly.

"Then why wasn't this the first one I tried on?"

"The future always changes," she said with a wink.

I sighed and took the dress from her. Boy this one was a lot heavier, and I think everyone noticed that because Alice took it right back from me and led me up the stairs to my room.

She placed the bag containing the dress onto my bed and then headed for the door.

"Wait, Alice," I called after her.

"Yes?"

"I don't want Edward to see my in the dress I choose before I even walk down the aisle. It's bad luck you know."

She smiled at me and danced right over to my rocking chair. "Then I'll be the only one who sees you," she said sitting down.

I smiled back at her as I opened the bag. My eyes widened as I took it out into my hands. It was strapless with a corset-fitting top, beads making a leaf sort of pattern all around the top. Around waist it flowed out into hoop skirt, making it almost look like two different dress. Part of it flowed into a ruffle off to my right, with the rest of the skirt coming down around it with a silk feel to it. There were beads at the bottom of the skirt making the same pattern as the top. The train was the perfect length for me.

Alice helped me into the dress and zipped me up before stepping back to get a final look at me.

"Well?" I asked spinning slowly around, making sure not to get dizzy.

"I'm speechless."

I groan. "Is it really that bad?" I walked to my mirror and was shocked to see the person staring back at me.

As I held the dress I didn't realize it was off-white. The beads sparkled in the light, making me, in a way, look like the Cullen's. This was probably the first dress I tried on that didn't make my skin look transparent.

Alice placed her hands on my shoulders and smiled into the mirror at me. "There is no way you are walking down the aisle without this dress on. It's perfect."

I smiled at my reflection and it smiled back at me. This was a dress worthy of a vampire wedding.

Alice helped me into bed after than and hung my dress up, getting ready to take it home with her so Edward wouldn't see it when he came over later.

"Bella you are going to look amazing on the 23rd. Edward won't know what hit him," she said sitting on the edge of my bed.

I nodded sleepily. "Before you leave, can I ask you something?"

Alice nodded and covered my clammy hand with her ice cold one. "Anything."

"If Edward won't change me, will you?"

"Oh Bella…"

"Wait, listen to me first Alice. I can't die yet. I thought I was ready; I thought I could leave this life behind and leave behind the people in my life. I thought I it would be easy to say goodbye after I accept my death sentence, and it was. Then I met Edward." I tear escaped from my eye and ran slowly down my cheek. "I didn't need anything, or anyone, to make this difficult for me. That's why I kept my distance from all my friends, rarely letting them into my normal life, escaping to Arizona every summer to keep that distance safe. It worked so well too, until your family showed up."

I took a deep ragged breath. "Everything was fine Alice! I was able to go on with my friends not knowing, but when Tyler's van came crashing towards me and Edward jumped in front of it to save me, for no reason other than my blood 'called' to him, whatever that means.

"Then you saw Carlisle talk to me, Edward knew what was wrong with me. He stopped almost at nothing to get me to tell him, he wanted me to know that he would be there for me even after I found out that you all were vampires. And even then I thought I could still say goodbye to him, to you, to your family and my own.

"But then I saw how he acted around me, how he treated me. It was so different from everyone else. I actually felt as though I was a normal junior in high school, with a very different boyfriend. Edward made me feel safe; he made me feel like I could over come this illness, as long as he was by my side.

"Then I realized that he could save me, you all could save me! Yet, no one told me. No one bothered to tell me that I could change the outcome, change my destiny, and live a life I thought was impossible to live two years ago! And Edward wouldn't even hear of it since he doesn't want to damage my 'soul'. He doesn't want me to lose it like he apparently lost his, but he doesn't get is that he couldn't have lost his soul. Its impossible for someone like him, someone so sweet and caring, to not have a soul. But he won't even hear of it. He's too stubborn to even consider the fact that he may still have a soul and in changing me, I may still have a soul.

"So Alice, please listen to me. I don't think I'm strong enough to say goodbye to him. If I have to die I don't want to die regretting something, I don't want to die angry either. But now that I've met Edward, fell in love, and am marrying Edward, I don't think I can die without being angry, bitter, full of regret, and full of sorrow. I need a life, Alice. I need a chance at living."

Tears were falling down my cheeks like a river by now, and I was fixated on staring at my hand, which were clamped down one the sheets shaking a little. My breath was ragged from talking for so long, which took a lot of energy out of me. I shut my eyes for a moment, trying to find my voice again. "Alice please," I whispered.

We were silent for minutes, which felt like hours to me. I didn't dare to look up, I knew she was processing everything I just said, either that or she was looking into the future, trying to pick what decision would be the right one to make.

Then finally, and slowly, Alice's hands found my and she gently held them. I looked up into her topaz eyes to find that if she could she would be crying as hard as I was right now.

"I'll change you if Edward refuses. You have my word."


	17. Delicate

A/N: Okay so I lied a little bit, but I got the next chapter here pretty quickly. Well, anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter. And, as always, thanks to Vi0lentSerenity for everything you do for me!

I do on own any of the characters, sorry; that goes for Delicate, which is by Damien Rice.

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**Edward's POV**

I sat under a tree in our backyard. It was right near the creek, which allowed the rushing sounds of the water keep me calm in the moment where I just want to tear the tree I was sitting under out of the ground and throwing as hard and as far as I could.

I felt guilty, hurt, broken even. I love Bella more than anything, but stealing her soul, taking her life, depriving her of a chance for rest. I just can't do it.

How could Alice do this to me? How could she promise something like that to Bella without even talking to me about it? Does she not know how much this decision is killing?

The answer was easy. She knew I would say no. I've preached about it since the moment I found out Bella was terminally ill. Actually I've been saying I wouldn't change her since Alice had that vision shortly after I met Bella, before I even knew about her cancer. Alice loved Bella too. She couldn't see Bella die.

But there was another reason Alice said she is going to do this for Bella. Alice knew how much it will hurt me to see Bella die. She probably has already seen me planning my own way of exiting this cruel world shortly after my love.

_Drip… drip… drip…._

I looked up as another raindrop fell on my face. I just sighed and went back to staring at the creek in front of me. Soon the rain started to come down steadily and harder, until I found myself sitting in the pouring down rain. I just couldn't bring myself to move in fear that my anger will consume me if I allow my body to begin working.

Alice will be home soon. She has probably already seen me sitting here. She has probably already seen me yelling at her, or refusing to talk to her (I still haven't decided how to handle the situation).

_Edward…_ Alice's 'voice' called to me as soon as she stepped into the front door.

Her voice was stronger to me now and I could see myself through her mind sitting here in the rain.

_Edward, please come in. We need to talk about this; you have to understand._

I sighed and started towards the house where I could see her watching me from the window. In that second our eyes locked, and I saw everything.

I saw Bella's conflicted face, trying to figure out what she was going to say. I heard the speech she made to Alice; I saw her starting to show how she really felt about this situation for the first time. I could see the tears coming down her face, I could see her weak body trembling from sorrow, and I heard what Alice thought seeing Bella like this.

_I can't… I shouldn't… She looked so broken… How could I stand to lose her… I could I act like this doesn't change anything, that what she is telling me now has no affect on me… I have to…_ Her thoughts read clearly, all the conflicts playing across Alice's face as she saw how torn up I was already. She didn't want this life for Bella, maybe not as much as me, but all the same. But she was dying, the way everyone else in my family was before Carlisle made them, so how is Bella's case any different?

Alice looked away quickly once she saw how I changed as I saw Bella's conversation with her. I had to stop in my tracks; I just couldn't go anymore. I was hurting her by not giving her, her dying wish. I was hurting her being with her, yet she couldn't stand it if I left her. She needs me as much as I need her.

I looked back at Alice, and before my mind understood what I was doing, I ran.

I didn't know where I was going, but I knew it had to be away. Away from this mess, from my family who didn't seem to understand, away from the school that was oblivious to Bella's condition, away from hospitals, away from everything.

But just as I quickly started, I stopped. I couldn't run. The love of my existence was in her house; sound asleep, dying. I couldn't leave her, not for a moment. I took off running to her house.

I climbed the tree next to her window and just stayed there, looking into her window, watching her sleep. I stared into her peaceful face, wishing I could find the answer.

I knew I couldn't live without her. It would be like living without air, living without rain, living without the sun; everything would die. I would die, maybe not literally but metaphorically. I love Bella too much. If I lost her, my non-beating heart would just be a big gapping hole in my chest. The pain of loosing her wouldn't be bearable. Just thinking about not seeing her smile light up my world of darkness, her fragrance rolling of her skin knocking into me like a boulder, or being able to see her deep chocolate brown eyes seeing right through me; it nearly killed me now.

I couldn't go on not seeing her everyday. I don't think I could function properly if I didn't her in my life. My life wouldn't have any meaning and I would follow her lead soon after, without any thoughts about my family. They would be so hurt. I couldn't even begin to image Esme's expression if I were to leave this world for good.

But could I be so selfish to steal away Bella's soul so that I could go on living my life with the only reason for my existence?

No, I couldn't. I couldn't damn her to hell just because I was too selfish to let her go. She may say that she wants this life, but that is only because she is too naïve. She doesn't understand the pain every one of us goes through. Not just the physically pain, but the emotion pain that comes with it when you see everyone you once knew die around you. I couldn't see her go through that emotion pain. I already have to witness it; I couldn't do it again.

The rain started to come down heavier now, matching my dark and dreary mood. In the distance I could hear the thunder voicing it's own opinion. Meanwhile, Bella slept oblivious to everything going on outside her own sleeping head. Today must have taken a tool out of her. She normally sleeps restlessly when it rains and my arms are not securely around her.

Even though she is much strong than she was weeks ago, she isn't any better. She will never be better. Carlisle says she can go back to school for a half a day, but Bella is beginning to understand how difficult it will be. She's much too fragile to go through a school day with all those people now. Her skin is becoming much shallower and bruises cover her body. She's getting infections very easily and is on too much medication to make it through a quarter of the day without taking a nap. Her bones are becoming too fragile for her to even support herself, yet it's happening much slower now. She's able to make it up and down the stairs without much help, but it's becoming more and more of a challenge for her everyday.

Yet, no one sees this like I do. No one watches her as closely as I do. Bella doesn't even realize all this is going on. She doesn't understand how much weaker she is becoming every day. She knows things are becoming harder for her, but she doesn't see the slow decline that I do. She can't smell the decay of her organs beginning to slowly shut down, or the smell of the infections spreading through her blood.

I know how important it is for her to be normal, and I can understand it more than she probably knows, but it will be too hard for her and I don't think I could deal with the constant worrying if she were to go to school even for a half a day.

Thankfully, though, from what I can pick out of Renee and Charlie's minds, they both think it's not a good idea for Bella to go back to school. Now if I could only see what Bella is thinking.

As the minutes wore on, the rain continued to pour down, drenching me further. Alice's voice kept coming to me, calling me home. She was worried.

Finally I gave up and made my way back to the house.

She saw me coming and met me in the foyer. _Edward, I know how upset you are but you have to understand. You have to see it for what's best for everyone; what's best for _her.

"Best for everyone? Best for _her!_" I through my hands up in the air and started to pace up and down the open room. "Alice, don't you understand? I am doing what's best for her! You can't tell me that you wouldn't want to switch places with Bella right now because you are getting tired of this life damned for eternity!"

"Edward, Bella wants this!" she yelled back.

"Bella doesn't know any better. She doesn't know what it's like to live like this, what it's like to see everyone around her die!" I spun around to face Alice then. "I won't have her endure more pain than she already has."

_What about you then? What are you going to once her life ends because of you selfless deed?_ Her voice asked me in a sarcastic tone that made me wince.

"You already know," I said looking in the other direction.

"I won't let it. I will make Emmett and Jasper tie you down if I have to. I won't let you kill yourself when you could simply save Bella from a painful death."

"By causing her more pain?"

_Three days isn't as long as a few weeks, a month, maybe even a year of this disease torturing her._

"That's not the pain I am talking about Alice."

_She's already going through that, though, Edward._

"It won't be the same though. She will be inflicting pain on her friends and family in seeing her 'die'. Then she will just have to watch them all be hurt, which will hurt her, and then see them die."

"But she will have you," Alice said in a small voice. "You will be able to comfort her."

"She won't want the monster that put her through that to comfort her."

_She won't resent you, Edward; I can already see that._

"The future can always change Alice."

She simply shrugged. "That may be."_ But then again, you may not want to bet against me,_ she thought with a smug smile.

"Alice."

"Look, Edward, don't you see where I am coming from? Bella came to me, she asked me to change her so that she could be with you forever. She will go through greater pain having to say goodbye to you than having to say goodbye to her parents in the future."

She took a deep breath and started to pace the room. "Edward, Bella told me that she doesn't want to die with regret. She doesn't want to die bitter or angry. Do you think if she had to say goodbye to you she wouldn't be bitter or angry? You don't think she would regret something about the outcome of all of this? Are you really that stubborn that you won't even consider making sure your _wife_ is content if she has to die? Edward she is going to be your _wife_ soon! Yet you are so stubborn that you will have her suffer in pain and die? You will have her angry, bitter, and full of sorrow when she leaves this world because you think you are saving her soul?" She stopped and turned to me.

"Listen to her for once Edward! Read her journal! Understand what she is thinking, what she is going through! Don't just do what you believe is right when it may be completely wrong!" Then she turned away from me and ran to her room.

I wanted to tell her that she was wrong. That I wasn't stubborn and that I wasn't making her suffer, but I had seen her whole conversation with Bella in her own head. I knew what Bella had said and hearing it tore me apart. But I believed this for so long that I just couldn't wrap my mind around it may be a good thing turning Bella into a vampire. I just couldn't do it.

But I love her so much.

I left the house in a hurry. Too many thoughts clouding up my mind. I just couldn't shut them out. Not with Alice's voice screaming at me. So, I went to the one place where I didn't have to work to keep everything out of my head.

I went back to my love's room and crawled through her window. She was in the same position that I left her in when I was watching her outside.

I went over to her bed and sat down on the floor fearing that if my wet clothes got her wet she would get sick. So, I sat on the floor gazing at her in wonder. Even being as sick as she I still found her the most breathtaking creature in the world.

My eyes, however, pulled me away from her sleeping face. Instead they found their way to a little brown book sticking out from under Bella's mattress.

Looking at the book rushed back the words she said to me when she was in the hospital after she collapsed. _"Haven't you realized that I like old, worn out things that look like they are about to fall apart and die at any moment?"_

I quickly grabbed the book and opened up to one of her more recent entries hoping that I could find some answer.

_March 1, 2010,_

_Have you ever felt like you don't belong anywhere? Then you find that one place where you can be yourself, where you feel safe, where you feel complete? _

_Well I've never really felt like I've belonged anywhere. I've always felt lost. Then Edward came around. When he held me in his arms for the first time, I felt safe, like nothing-not even my sickness-could touch me. I felt like Edward would protect me from anything. Now that we are getting married, I have that feeling so much stronger than ever before. I feel like, as my husband, he's going to cure me._

_Okay, not literally take the illness right out of me, but I feel as though he will be able to make me stronger, give me a reason to want to live. I have this feeling that my life will last longer if I have him in my life._

_I don't feel lost anymore. I have a home._

I took a long deep breath. I carefully closed the book and put it back under her mattress then I buried my face in my hands.

She has so much faith in me. She thinks that everything will be okay, in a way, once we are married. And I was envious.

I wish I had that same optimistic view that she has. Instead I felt as though nothing will change, I will just have to watch her start to die away and there won't be anything I can do to cure her. Well…

"Edward," Bella's voice softly called, "what are you doing?"

I looked up to find her smiling down at me. Seeing her smile, I could almost see the old Bella, the Bella before Tyler's van, before I knew, before her fatal crash that sent her health spiraling downward. When she smiled at me, I felt even more in love with her than I did two minutes ago; she just looks so lovely and so kind. Her smile would make the world fall in love with her.

I flashed her my crooked smile and before she could even blink, I was laying beside her on her bed. "I couldn't sleep," I teased.

She giggled and turned around to face me. "Why were you sitting on the floor?"

I shrugged nonchalantly. "Wherever you are is the only peace I have from the constant stream of thoughts I have."

"That still doesn't answer why you were on the floor."

I touched the tip of her nose and chuckled. "There was no room for me on your bed."

She blushed a beautiful shade of red and laid her head down on my chest. "Everything seems to moving fast, doesn't it?"

I sighed and kissed the top of her head. More than she could ever know. "Yes," I murmured against her hair.

She wrapped her arm more tightly around my stomach. "I just wish time would stop, and this moment would last forever."

I closed my eyes tightly. Everyday I spend with her will just make my decision that much harder. But what if I'm not as strong as I give myself credit for? Then what would I do?

"That would be my heaven, love."

"You know we still have to pick out a wedding song."

I smiled into her hair. "What were you thinking?"

"Everything by Lifehouse. It just reminds me of us."

"It's perfect."

"Good," she said yawning.

"Try and get some sleep, love. Alice has another full day planned for you."

As I watched her slowly fall back into sleep, I started thinking of everything I wanted to say to her tonight. How many times I came close to trying to talk her out of what she asked of Alice. How many times I came close to trying to make her understand that this is not a desirable life. But I couldn't.

I didn't want to lose her. The selfish monster in me just wanted to bite her right there and now and have her transformed completely in three days. Have her be healthy for the first time in two years just three short days from now.

There's something I need to write down, though; something that would make someone understand what's going on in my mind.

So, I quickly got a pen and a piece of paper and returned to my stop on Bella's bed.

_Dear to whom it may concern,_

_There are so many things I would love to write; so many things I would love to explain. Instead of that, however, I just need someone to understand me. There are so many things that haven't made sense to me in my years of living, but having this happen to Bella, just seems wrong. There is not right or reasoning in the world. Otherwise, Bella would be able to do anything she puts her mind to. Instead, she has to worry about collapsing at any moment._

_In some many ways I feel as though I am responsible for this. Like, this innocent and beautiful girl was sent her from God as a punishment for what I have become. But that doesn't make sense either since there are so many other creatures that are worse than I._

_I need to make sense of the reasons I have come up with not to change her. I _want_ to more than anything else in the world, but I'm too afraid of the outcome. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough, that I would kill her before it is her time to leave this Earth. I'm afraid that she will grow to loath me for making her a monster._

_I don't think I could live with myself if she grew to hate me._

_I_ know_ I can't live without her, though. So you would assume this would be an easy decision, but I just can't steal her soul._

_Edward Cullen_

I folded up the note carefully and pulled out Bella's journal. I tucked in safely in the front of the book where the cover was withering away, and slipped it carefully in there.

Maybe then someone would understand me, even if I don't understand myself.


	18. Kiss From A Rose

A/N: Okay I know it's been a long time, but this summer has been crazy for me. I went to Germany then basketball camp, then to the beach, and in between I've been working like crazy. But school is starting back up soon (where did summer go?) so I guess my schedule won't be so crazy after I'm done with all my applications for colleges and ROTC are done. But I'm already thinking up ideas for the next chapter and will hopefully have them up soon. So I made this chapter a little extra long for everyone waiting so patiently. Also a special thanks to Vi0lentSerenity for everything she does for me.

August 20, 2010

PS. The last time I checked I'm not Stephenie Meyer so of course this stuff isn't mine. And also, I'm not Seal so I don't own Kiss From A Rose either.

* * *

"Open you're eyes love," Edward's sweet voice called to me.

Slowly and unsurely I opened my fragile eyes. Everything was clearer; everything was different. I could see the particles moving through the air; there was an ant crawling up the wall across the room from me. I could smell the sweet air of spring from the open window. I heard the wind blowing through the trees all around the house, as well as the babbling of the creek a mile away.

Nothing was the same.

With the sun shining brightly through the window, I could see the little sparkles coming off of Edward's radiant skin. I smiled to myself and rolled into his chest, breathing in the scent of his skin.

"You're so beautiful in the sunlight," I mumbled into his chest.

I felt his arms warp around me as his chest shook from laughing. "I'm nothing compared to you, love."

He slowly pulled away from me and looked at my bare arms and legs. "You're the most beautiful creature in the world Isabella," he whispered.

I looked at my own arms then to see tiny jewels reflecting off of my own skin. I bolted up, not feeling any soreness, not feeling tired or pain, I felt as though nothing could harm me. I rushed to the mirror to see a different person staring back at me.

Her skin was sparkling and pale; her body was fit and strong. She had designer clothing on; in a way she looked a lot like a doll Alice would dress up. Her brown her didn't just lie flat on her head, but it was luscious and wavy and full blowing around her beautifully proportioned face. Her lips were full and her nose was straight.

Her eyes were red.

Suddenly I jerked awake to the wind blowing strongly into my room. Everything was dark except for the area of my room illuminated by the moon.

I pulled off my covers to stare at my skin. It was pale, but it was a pasty pale instead of the beautifully pale skin I saw the woman in the mirror have. Then, staring at my legs a little longer, I saw dark patches scattered across them. Bruises everywhere. Then there was pain. The person I saw in the mirror seemed to be blissfully happy with an ache. The person I really am, can't think straight for a minute because the pain can become too much.

I cautiously got up and walked slowly to the full-length mirror in my room. This girl looked more accurate. Her skin was pale and full of black, blue, and green/yellow bruises; her body was skin and bones, looking like at any moment she would collapse into a pile of bones on the floor. Her clothing was baggy basketball shorts and an oversized shirt. Her brown hair laid flat on her head and was thinning because of her lack of proteins. Her lips were cracked and her nose had dried blood right under it.

Her eyes were brown. They were the only things that seemed to have life on this girl's appearance. They were a deep chocolate brown, and they were so deep, looking into them seemed to be a never-ending tunnel. They were the only things that popped out still.

Her eyes were full of a sorrow that would send anyone's mood spiraling downwards. All hope seemed to have left this girl's eyes. It was almost as though she was starting to give up her fight and just left the outside forces take her down.

It was hard to believe that this girl in the mirror and myself were the same. I tried to look at myself the way I looked before I got ill, but it was getting harder and harder.

It was also hard to believe that I was going to look like this on my wedding day.

I sighed deeply, wincing at the sharp pain in my side from my aching bones. I turned away from my reflection and moved gingerly to my window. As I leaned out and smelled the fresh spring night, I wondered how Edward would want to marry someone who looked the way I did right now.

I leaned a little further out and closed my eyes. I couldn't believe it was March 23rd already. It seemed like just yesterday I was walking down the aisle for my mother's wedding in September.

I couldn't believe that I met, or rather, saw Edward for the first time six months ago, and now I was madly in love with him and marrying him. If I weren't dying my parents would have submitted me to an institution as soon as they figured out how much he meant to me.

It was weird not having Edward with me. He never seemed to leave my side for more than an hour. But since tonight is the day before we get married, Alice, as well as Emmett, insisted that he stay away from me for one night. It was probably harder for him not to see me than it was for me not to see him. He's been my life preserver for the past six months.

Now the question still left unanswered in my head was if Alice was going to keep her promise and change me. I believed she would, but I know how stubborn Edward is and he seems to always get his way in the end.

"Hello love."

Example A.

I spun around to see Edward sitting in my rocking chair across the room. "How did you get away from Emmett? Wait, how did you get into my house if you didn't use my window?"

He smiled slyly and shrugged. "I can only stay for a moment or two before Emmett comes to get me. That was our deal. And as for getting into your house," he said standing, now, in front of me, wrapping his arms around my waist, "I used your front door. You should really start locking it. You never know who may come walking through it." He looked amused and his tone was light. It was something I hadn't been used to for awhile.

"I don't see the point since the only thing that could really hurt me could just walk through it without flinching," I said leaning into him.

He rolled his eyes at me. "I see your point."

I groaned as the room started to twirl around me, making my legs stumble to try and keep my balance instead of tumbling to the ground. "I think I need to sit down."

Edward's whole persona changed. He turned from a relaxed, cool vampire into the protected, worried, and scared vampire I've known for awhile. He quickly set me on the bed and sat down on the floor as I put my head in between my legs, hoping everything would stand still. Edward put his cold hands on the back of my neck hoping to cool me down.

After a few minutes everything stood still again and I was able to sit up. Edward still looked uncertain and worried as Emmett appeared in my window.

"Time to go bro. I gave you more than enough-" he trailed off. "Bella, are you okay?"

I nodded slowly, making sure that I wouldn't become dizzy again.

"Emmett, I think I should stay with Bella," Edward said kneeling in front of me, studying me to make sure that I was okay.

"No, no, Edward. Please go. This is your last night of freedom," I said trying to joke with him. "I'm fine, really. I just need to get some more sleep."

He raised one of his perfect eyebrows at my statement, in a not-believing-that kind of way.

"Bro, she really does just need some rest. Carlisle always says that when she gets dizzy. Just let her sleep and come out with Jasper and I for a little while longer. Then you can come back to her sleeping self by 6," Emmett said still hanging from my windowsill.

Edward looked in between the two us. Then his eyes settled on me. "Do you promise to try to get some sleep? You haven't been sleeping well the past few nights."

"I promise."

"Alright!" Emmett exclaimed in a loud whisper as he dropped himself from my window.

Edward sighed and shook his head at his favorite brother. Then he looked back at me. He picked me up and placed my head on my pillow before covering me up and kissing me on the forehead. "I'll be here when you wake up." Then he was gone with the window shut behind him.

I sighed and grabbed my iPod from the top draw of my nightstand and turned it on. I put on the song Collide by Howie Day before drifting off into a dreamless sleep.

"Bella," my mother's voice called to me. "Bella, wake up."

I opened my eyes unwillingly. It was the first good nights sleep I've had in awhile. I think it's because I knew Edward was coming back to me. Not just for the night to lay next to me while I slept, but to be with me for the rest of my either short life, or long life. It was oddly comforting.

"What's up mom?" I asked, rubbing my eyes.

She smiled down at me. "I just wanted to talk to you before you become a married woman."

I rolled my eyes at her, but smiled back. "Mom, I'm not getting married until six. We still have time to talk. You didn't have to wake me up at eight."

"Well, that was Alice who told me to get you up. But I thought it would be nice for us to talk now before everything gets crazy here."

I slowly lifted myself into a sitting position on my bed. My joints were sore and my body was still fragile, even if Carlisle told me this is the healthiest he's seen me since I crashed. I still had bruises everywhere, my skin was still translucent, and I was still extremely weak.

"Mom."

"Yes Bella?"

"Thank you," I said softly, looking down at my hands.

"Thank you for what?"

"For taking care of me these past two years."

"Oh Bella-"

"No, mom, I have to say this now or else I may never get the chance to tell you again." I took a deep breath and looked up at my mother's intent eyes. "Mom, I know I've taken a lot from you these past two years I have been sick. I stole your youthfulness and your life. Everything was so much better when you didn't have to worry about me going back into relapse and what I was going to do for school if I had to have another chemo session. You've done so much for me, and you helped me live as long as I have. Somehow you still kept laughter and enjoyment in my life when I thought I would lose it all when they told me I had cancer."

I paused for a moment and looked out my window. I couldn't watch her expression anymore. "Mom, when I die I need you to go on living your life to the fullest. I need you to do whatever it takes to keep joy in your life. I want you and Phil to explore the world if you need to. Just please don't mourn over me and give more of your life to me. I never wanted to take your life away from you, but in many ways I have with my illness. So, please mom, when my time comes, please go on living."

Renee remained silent for a long time, or at least it felt like a long time. When she did speak again, she grabbed my hand and made me look at her again. "Isabella, I never wasted my life on caring for you. I did it because I love you and I would do anything for you. Don't ever forget that. I don't regret anything; I never had. I only wish that I wasn't so stubborn and moved back to Forks with you," she said smiling.

I chocked a laugh and smiled at her. "I love you, mom."

"Oh, I love you too baby," she said with tears rolling down her cheeks as she pulled me into a hug.

Sniffling and pulling apart is when Alice decided to make her appearance. Renee then went down to get me a glass of water and something to eat, while Alice started my hair.

"Was Edward here this morning?" I asked as Alice pulled me out of bed and onto a chair she brought in positioned in front of the mirror.

"Yes, he was laying beside you when I came in to wake you up."

"You didn't wake me up. Renee just did."

She shook her head as she brushed out my knotted hair. "No I woke you up an hour ago, but you just rolled over into Edward's stomach and fell back asleep."

"Oh, I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Edward started laughing and told me to let you sleep. He only left about five minutes before your mom came in."

"Oh."

Alice laughed and started moving my hair around. "Bella, you are going to be marrying him in a few hours! Besides the groom can't see the bride on the wedding day!"

I nodded; my nerves standing on edge thinking about fully committing myself to him, forever- at least my forever. "Yeah I know. I just miss him."

She nodded as though she really understood what I was saying. How I'm going to miss him when I'm dead, wherever you go when you die. I'm not going to be with him until, or if, he dies.

Or maybe she really didn't think about that. Maybe she thought that I really believed I was going to get changed when my time got close. And as much as I wanted to believe her I just, I just couldn't. I couldn't believe that Alice would go against her favorite brother to change me. Edward really didn't want me to "lose my soul". He never wanted this kind of life for me.

By the time my mother came back upstairs with water for me, my hair was almost done. It was in lose curls circling my face. She pulled some strains of hair back and kept them up with a bobby-pin.

"Oh Bella, you look absolutely beautiful," my mother said sitting down on the rocking chair.

I smiled at her uncertainly. How could I be semi-beautiful when I look like this? Pale and bruised, and when was the last time you saw a model with a bruise?

"No one is going to even think that you are sick when I'm done with you Bella," Alice said as she spun me around so that I could no longer see my reflection.

"Do I get to see what you are doing to me?" I asked timidly.

She shook her head and winked at my mom. "Not until I'm done."

Now all I had to do was sit and wait.

A few hours later, Alice was helping me out of the chair, which I felt like I was slowly growing into, to put me into my wedding dress. That took about a half an hour to do, considering how much of it there is.

When I was finally in the dress and heels, they put on the veil and stepped back to look at me.

"Oh Bella," my mom sighed as her eyes started to fill up with tears. "You look… you just look so beautiful. You look like you did two years ago before you got sick."

I shook my head. "No mom, Alice is good but she's not that good."

"No Bella, I really am. Look at yourself! You look as though the worst thing that has happened to you is getting a sore throat!"

I rolled my eyes at both of them, getting a little annoyed that they would lead me on like this. So I turned around to look at myself. I actually looked stunning. I looked, well, normal. It was amazing.

My eyes looked bright and alive. My eyelashes were full and long. I had color to my cheeks, and the bronzer she must have put on me actually made me tanner than I have ever been. My lips were full and pinker with a glossy look to it. Alice was able to cover up my bruises so my skin actually looked healthy and not translucent. Somehow the rest of my body looked fuller and not skin and bones.

I looked like I did two years ago. No dark circles under my eyes, no black and blue or yellow and green bruises, my skin look healthy as well as the rest of my body. And I looked like someone who belonged with Edward. I felt pretty, I felt right. I almost felt beautiful. Something I haven't felt in a very long time.

"Alice," I whispered not being able to take my eyes off my new and improved self, "how did you do this?"

She shrugged and smiled brilliantly. "I just made you look the way Edward sees you."

Looking at the clock I noticed the time was coming. The time was coming for me to make my decision. Eternity with him or live the rest of my short little life looking after the people I love and trying not to hurt anyone too bad.

It was time to walk down the aisle. Time to tell everyone how much Edward means to me when there are no words to describe how much he saved me these past few months.

It was finally time to tie myself to Edward in the human world before I tied myself to him for eternity. Walking down the aisle is my own walk to eternity.

A knock made me jump. As all the girls turned the door opened and Esme and Charlie walked in. They both stopped when they saw me. Esme gasped a little and Charlie, well I think it was the first time I saw my father tear up.

"Bella, you look absolutely radiant," Esme said hugging me. "You're a very beautiful woman."

Charlie came up behind her and looked down to the floor awkwardly. "Bella, you look very lovely," he said to the floor.

I smiled at him. "Thanks dad."

Renee came up behind him and put her hand on his shoulder. "Are you ready to give your daughter away?"

He turned to look at my mother and smiled wryly. "I've never been ready to let her go." He put his hand on top of hers and they seemed to be lost in a moment of the past.

Renee nodded at Charlie and smiled. "It's time we let her go."

Charlie nodded and then they both looked at me as I stood there. Hearing this made me think that they were really saying something else. They weren't just letting me go to start a new life with Edward, but they were ready to say goodbye. Sure they would cry, but they were ready for it. They were ready to let me leave this world.

I felt tears filling my eyes looking at my parents. I tried to blink back the tears but when my mother noticed she come up to me and hugged me tightly. "Isabella, I am so proud of you, you know that right?"

"You are?" I sniffed.

"Oh honey, you are my own hero. After everything you have been through these past two years, to be able to get up everyday and move around and smile and still believe in love." I could feel her shake her head on my shoulder. She pulled back so she could look at me fully. "Bella, I don't know if I would have the strength that you show everyday. Edward is so lucky to have you. And I, I can't believe that you were able to find your soul mate this young. I can see how much you love each other and this love will last forever. Nothing will stand in its way; nothing will end it. This love will go on for eternity."

I smiled sadly at her. I knew she was right. Edward and I have a love that is unique. It won't fade. It will not die because he won't die, and I will carry it with me. If Edward does save me, then neither of us will let it fade because neither of us will die.

"Bella," Alice said softly coming up behind me, "are you ready?"

I gave my mom one last smile and nodded. Renee and Esme left together and Alice stand by the door waiting for Charlie and I.

"Well, are you ready Bells?" Charlie asked me awkwardly.

I gave a little laugh. "Yeah I think I'm ready. Just do me a favor and don't let me fall."

He nodded and held out his arm for me to take. I felt his strong hold guide me to the door and down the stairs of the Cullen's home. Cassandra led the way as one of my bridesmaids, then Alice followed shortly after as the music started.

Charlie and I walked slowly down the silky, white fabric that had off-white rose petals scattered on top of it.

The string instruments slowed down to match my speed when I crossed the threshold to the living room, which was transformed into my own little chapel for the wedding. The alter was placed in front of a bay window so the sunset could illuminate the room. Edward stood with Emmett next to him then Jasper following. Carlisle was at the top in ceremonial robes (he got ordained online for this).

Everyone was watching Charlie and I walked slowly down the aisle, but to me they were just faces. I couldn't tell you were anyone was sitting. I only looked at Edward. He looked speechless and in awe, making me feel self-conscious.

I gave him a soft smile, which he returned, as we got closer to him. Soon he was slowly descending towards us, as we reached the first row of chairs.

Charlie turned to me and lifted my veil over my head then he kissed me softly on the cheek before giving me away to Edward. They nodded to each other as Edward quickly wrapped his arm around my waist making sure I was stable. Then he led me up the two stairs to the alter.

"We are gathered here today to join Edward and Isabella in the holy sacrament of marriage," Carlisle started. I bit my lip to keep from laughing. It was so outrageous to have a vampire minister! "The couple has prepared their own vows. Isabella, would you like to go first?"

I nodded as Edward took hold of my hands. "Edward, you are my rock, my savior, my soul mate. Two years ago I never thought I would get a chance to fall in love or even start living the life I wanted to live. Then you came into my life like a sign from God that I was supposed to love and live before my time comes to leave this world. I cannot thank you enough for what you have done to me," I said with tears streaming down my face. "You have saved me and kept me healthy a lot longer than the doctors thought I would. I love you more than I ever thought I could love another person. Edward, I promise to never leave you even if I do leave this world because you are my savior and my soul mate. I know that our love will never fade no matter what happens to either of us."

I gave him a wry smile and squeezed his hand.

"Edward," Carlisle said quietly. Every human in the room were sniffling.

"Bella I never thought I would be so lucky to find someone as strong and loving as you are. When my family and I moved here I thought it was just going to be another town, boring and dull. But then I saw you from across the parking lot and you lit up my world. You put me under your spell the moment our eyes met for the first time. I can't remember what my life was like before you were in it, and I can't imagine what life will be like if you go on. I will do everything in my power to protect you from pain, heartache, and sorrow. I love you in a way I never thought I would be capable of. You are my oxygen, my coffee, and my world. I will never leave you and never let our love fade from this world."

The whole room was silent. No one made move, no one made a sound. I stared at Edward with tears pouring down my face, probably ruining Alice's attempt to make me look normal.

Carlisle cleared his throat. "The rings please." Alice held Edward's out to me and Emmett did the same for Edward. "Isabella, do you promise to love and cherish Edward for better, or for worse; for richer, or for poorer; in sickness and in health, for eternity?"

"I do," I whispered as I slide Edward's ring onto his finger.

"And Edward, do you promise to love and cherish Isabella for better, or for worse; for richer, or for poorer; in sickness and in health, for eternity?"

"I do," he said softly as he slide my ring onto my finger.

Carlisle smiled at us. "I now pronounce you husband and wife. Edward you may now kiss your bride."

Edward smiled as he pulled me to him, snaking his arms around my waist and drinking me in with his eyes. Then he bent his head down to mine until our lips met.


	19. Hold On

A/N: I am so sorry. I didn't realize how long it was till I updated until I actually sat down and looked at it. This year was just so crazy with it being my last year in high school and all. Well I'm done, I graduated, and I have two months till I go off to college so hopefully I can get in a lot of chapters before that. Sorry again, I hope this chapter makes up for it.

June 24, 2011

I still don't own anything. Not even Hold On by Good Charlotte.

* * *

We danced under the lights Alice strung up for us, like we were the only people in the world. He kept his hand tight around my waist and glided me around the dance floor so that I felt like I was floating on a cloud. He never took his eyes off of me the whole night, and every time my eyes met his, I could see his love for me, and I felt save.

We were allowed a honeymoon in a cabin about fifteen minutes from the Cullen's home. Every night we would be in the big king sized bed in each other's arms watching a movie. We didn't need to be intimate to show each other our love. Anytime he pulled me a little closer to me, or smoothed back my hair, or kissed me on the forehead, I felt safer, I felt like I was the only person he ever loved, the only person he would ever love.

For a year our loved helped me stay strong, helped me graduate high school, and kept me from letting my illness control my life. Of course, I couldn't recover from my cancer and eventually was hospitalized. Edward then made the decision for us. He saved me.

Edward put me into a medically induced coma before he bit me. During the last ten minutes of my transformation, however, I started to feel the poison going through me, fire burning at my fingertips.

When I woke up, everything was heightened. I could see dust particles floating in the air. See clearer at night. And I didn't feel pain, anymore. I felt completely healthy, well for much as a dead person could be.

The best part was the Edward and I could be together, in everyway possible, for eternity.

The worst part was watching my funeral, seeing my parents' tortured faces and not being able to jump out and yell "I'm right here! I'm not dead!", but I couldn't. They had to believe I was dead. I couldn't let them know about the world I was now apart of.

From afar I was able to watch my parents become old, watched them live their lives, and finally pass away when their time came.

Well, at least that's how everything was supposed to happen.

The wedding was really everything I could have dreamed for. The flowers were beautiful, the food was delicious, everyone had an amazing time, and I was able to stay on my feet most of the night-with the constant support of Edward. Anytime he looked at me I did feel safe, and loved, and comfortable for the first time in a long time.

The week following the wedding was a little crazy. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere too far away from home, but Edward and I did want a honeymoon. My parents were skeptical about letting me away from a watchful eye. However when the Esme and Carlisle showed my parents and I the cottage about fifteen minutes away from their home in the wood, we both hurriedly agreed.

The honeymoon was just what Edward and I needed. We were away from everyone and for the first time in a long time, we were able to be ourselves. Edward would cook for me every day and clean up after me. We would watch movies most of the day and talk about our future, even though Edward was always vague when it came to my future.

The weather was constantly getting warmer over our honeymoon allowing us to sit on the porch most afternoons and just watch the animals go by. It was so relaxing and peaceful, I felt as though we had our own private island where no one could bother us.

He would pull me closer as we laid under the stars and kiss me softly on the forehead whispering he loved me. He would massage my legs when they hurt from walking too much. Anytime he looked at me, I could still see the wondrous look in his eyes, like he still couldn't believe that I would want to be with him. And my love for him seemed to grow everyday I woke up in his arms.

Unfortunately the week went way too fast and we were soon back under the Cullen's roof. Renee remained in Forks for a couple of extra weeks, while Phil went to preseason training. She didn't like being away from Phil for too long, but she always loved spending extra time with me ever since I moved back to Forks. We went out to eat the days I was feeling up to it, or she would come over and Edward would cook for us before excusing himself to go to school work, or something else.

As March came and went, the rain became a bigger issue in Forks. Flash flood warnings were being issued almost every night. Alice danced into mine and Edward's room one day to tell us that Forks High School cancelled school because of all the rain.

It was a particularly rainy day when my life changed again. This time it wasn't a way to save me, just make me not want to be saved.

I was sitting in the bay window near the kitchen watching the rain pelt off the window and the lightning flash across the sky. I counted to two when the clap of thunder followed it.

Renee told me she was going to be leaving tomorrow and she would come over for dinner tonight. Today she wanted to head into Portland and buy a few things. What they had in Portland that they didn't have in Phoenix, I still can't figure out. However, Renee really likes to shop, a trait Alice wished I had, so I didn't bother to ask her what she needed so badly.

I continued to watch the lightning and count the seconds in between the bangs of the thunder when Edward suddenly appeared next to me sitting on the edge.

"How are you feeling today love?" he asked taking my hand into his.

"A little tired, but you know I have trouble sleeping when it rains outside," I said turning towards him.

He nodded smiling to himself. "Have you heard from Renee? I thought she was coming over around five."

I pushed myself up a little so that I would be able to see the clock hanging on the wall. It was current 5:15. "I thought she was too, but she probably lost track of time shopping."

The time continued to move slowly as Edward and I watched the rain fall from the sky. At six o'clock I started to get worried. Where could she be? Did she crash her car again and forget the number to AAA, or doesn't she have any service? Maybe she _really_ lost time when she was shopping. She could have even forgotten that she told Edward and I she was going to come over for dinner. I mean Renee did that from time to time.

At six thirty Edward jumped up and ran out of the room. I knew something bad happened when Edward and Alice rushed back into the room before I was able to swing my legs over the edge.

"Bella, your mother's in the hospital," Edward said kneeling in front of me with both hands on my thighs.

I stared at him blankly. How long had she been in the hospital? Why didn't Alice see something bad happening before?

"She was running late to get back, and she was speeding out of Portland. She hit a puddle and hydroplaned into a guardrail and broke through it. Her car tumbled down the hill into a river. Alice just saw everything happened and call the ambulance to get her. She'll be in the ER in ten minutes."

I continued to stare at him blankly. I didn't understand. How could something like this happen to her when I was the one who was supposed to die?

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Is she… will she…" was all I could mustard.

I looked up after a minute because Edward didn't answer me. His head was hung, and Alice was busying herself with packing cloths for Edward and myself.

"Edward?"

He picked up his head. His eyes pleaded with me to remain calm, not to let the stress and sadness get to me. He was too worried about my health to tell me the truth.

"She's not going to make it is she?" my voice whispered.

"I don't know Bella. I have no idea," he said shaking his head.

He quickly picked me up and grabbed the bag Alice was holding out and ran downstairs to were Rosalie had his car ready for him. We drove in silence to the hospital too wrapped up in my thoughts to even ask if anyone else knew.

Edward told me to wait in the car until he got me a wheelchair, but I didn't listen. I got out of the car as quickly as I could, and numbly made my way through the rain to the entrance of the hospital.

A nurse was sitting at the front desk sorting through some papers, not even bothering to look up as I approached her.

"May I help you?" she asked in a bored voice.

"I'm looking for my mother, Renee Dwyer."

The nurse looked up at that. She must have just come through the doors. "She was taken into surgery about two minutes ago. You can have a seat in the waiting room, and I'll tell one of the doctors that you are here"

The nurse pointed into the direction on the waiting room behind me. As I turned I felt my legs give out from under me. Luckily, Edward was standing right behind me by that point and caught me before I hit the floor.

The nurse stood up from her seat and gazed over the desk in between us, her eyes wide in shock. "Oh my gosh, does she need some ice?"

Edward glanced up at her. I could hear her breath catch at his beauty. "Yes, please."

He pulled me up and carried me to the closest chair before setting me down again. "Bella, I know that you are scared for your mother, but you have to take care of yourself as well. Please listen to me when I tell you that you can't walk around too much right now."

The nurse then came back with a bag of ice and placed it on the back of my neck. I was already too numb to notice the coldness. I tried to register what Edward just said to me, but I couldn't. I just wanted to run to her and heal her myself somehow. I needed her to be okay.

Ten minutes late Cassandra and Charlie rushed into the hospital. Both kneeled in front of me asking me question after question. I continued to stare at the smudge on the floor as Edward took over answering everything he could.

Soon the whole Cullen family was there, with the exception of Carlisle, who was said to be in the operation room. Somewhere in the back of my mind I found myself wondering how we could bare it. How could he look at all the blood and not cause of massacre right there?

Edward and Charlie started to pass in front of me simultaneously as Alice and Cassandra started to make phone call to various family members I have never seen. Phil said he was heading to the airport by the time Alice was done explaining everything to him. I was glad he was able to think.

Everyone was handling this in a different way. The guys were either pacing or with their heads in the hands. Esme was talking quietly to Rosalie. Alice and Cassandra were making phone calls or coffee runs.

I, on the other hand, was sitting on the same seat Edward put me on an hour earlier, staring at the same smudge on the floor in front of me. Edward had taken off the package of ice 45 minutes ago; he had knelt in front of me looking into my lost eyes worried. He was so worried about me, and part of me comprehended it. It was like I was trapped in the water watching him from above. I want to swim to the surface to be with him and there for him. However, my leg was caught on something and I was stuck where I was.

Two hours after we first arrived, a strange doctor came through the doors and headed straight to me. Edward was quickly by my side keeping a hand on my shoulder, reminding me not to stand.

"Isabella Swan?" the doctor asked.

I registered my name and looked up at them man in green scrubs. "Yes."

"My name is Doctor Tucker. I'm one of the surgeons working on your mom. Is your father here, or her husband?"

Charlie came forward and shook the doctors hand. "How is she?" he asked standing on the other side of me.

"We stabilized her, but she has a lot of internal bleeding, a broken Humerus and Ulna. She also fractured her Tibia. She also has some head trauma and a lot of bruises."

Charlie nodded to himself and took a deep breath to ask the question on everyone's mind. "Is she… Is she going to make it?"

The doctor looked down at the floor and then back to Charlie and then over to myself. "Nothing is 100%, but right now there is no reason to believe that she won't. Her vitals are normal and she is able to breath on her own. However, she is in a coma and we are not sure when or if she will come out of it."

"When can we go back and see her?" Edward asked for Charlie, when he sat down heavily on the chair. It seemed like it was more information than he was able to take.

Doctor Tucker looked at Edward and then at his hand and then at me. He seemed to understand that we were married. "Family members may go back now."

Edward nodded and Alice disappeared from the background, returning minutes later with a wheelchair for me. Edward helped me into it, and pushed me forward with Charlie following us leaving the rest of them in the waiting room.

Edward slowed down as we got to room 218. When he stopped the wheel chair next to her bed he quietly exited leaving me alone with my mother.

Renee looked like a ghost. Her skin was pale as snow, and when I touched her hand it was ice cold. There was no color in her cheeks, her hair that was usually as lively as her was laying flat on the pillow, and her mouth was in a straight line.

As I took her hand into mine, I couldn't believe that I was seeing her this way. She never looked this way, even when she fell asleep on the couch, her mouth was still smiling, she still looked vibrant. Here in this hospital bed, she looked… dead.

"Mom," I whispered as my voice cracked. "Mom, can you hear me? If you can hear me, squeeze my hand."

I looked down at our hands waiting, hoping for her hand to twitch to life. But it didn't. She didn't jump up and hug me. She didn't smile and wipe away my tears. She remained the lifeless figure she was when I was rolled in.

"You're not supposed to die yet," I said quietly. "I'm the one who is supposed to be on her deathbed. I'm the one who should have to say goodbye to everyone. You're not supposed here in the hospital with needles sticking out of your arms. You should be here for me. You were never supposed to leave me; I was never supposed to live without you."

I put my head down on her bed, with my hand still in hers. I couldn't look at her anymore and know that she is not going to magically open her eyes and smile down at me. I knew that she was in a coma. I knew that it was a long shot that she was going to get better. If Alice couldn't see any change in the near future I should know to stop imagining her getting better. But I couldn't help it. I was supposed to die soon, not the other way around. I'm the one with terminal cancer. She's perfectly healthy, or she was until she hydroplaned.

Life is not fair.

She is supposed to live until she's ninety-nine with Phil. Maybe they could have another kid, or adopt on from Haiti or another third world country.

I'm the one who is supposed to die in a couple of months or a year or two. I'm the one who had to push everything ahead just to get some experience in my life. I'm the one who could have been turned into a vampire and then watch her grow old.

Life sucks.

I stayed that way in the hospital for a few hours. Charlie and Cassandra came in and out of the room, brining me soup and water, seeing if I was okay. Nursing were coming in and checking her chart and changing the bag of blood that was helping her replenish her blood levels.

Edward came in and sat down on a chair beside me for an hour or so, I didn't really notice. Then he left because the smell of blood was probably too strong for him. Or maybe he couldn't deal with the sadness that filled the room.

I stayed well into the night, watching her just hoping her eyes would flutter open, but it never happened. Edward came in around eleven and wheeled me out of the room. I barely even noticed.

"Bella, you need some rest," he said softly when he bent down to talk in my ear. "I'm going to take you home."

I shook my head. "I can't leave her Edward. What if she wakes up, or what if she…"

He stopped pushing me and came in front of me so he could look into my eyes when he said, "Nothing will happen tonight. Alice hasn't seen any change in her."

He went back to wheeling me down the corridor. "You can't go long without rest. Remember Bella that you need rest, please."

When we got home, Edward carried me straight to bed. I slept the whole night and well into the next day. I probably would have continued to sleep if Edward didn't shake me awake.

"Bella, love, you have to come to the hospital now."

He didn't even wait for me answer, as he whisked me down the stairs and into the car.

As he sped down the road I realized that she couldn't have woken up. If she did he would have told me when he woke me up. He would have been smiling instead of gripping the steering wheel with his eye as stony as ever. Something wasn't right.

"She's gone isn't she?" My voice sounded foreign to me. It was indifferent, icy almost. It sounded far away like it was whispered to me.

Edward didn't respond to my question. He started driving faster until we hit the parking lot. Then he turned to me when the car was turned off. "She's not dead. She's declining fast, and Charlie and Phil don't think she is going to make it through the day."

That was all he said as he came to get me out of the car. He carried me to the front doors and Alice had a wheelchair waiting for me. They hurried me to room 218, and then left me with my father and Phil.

They both looked like they haven't slept in days. Phil's eyes were blood shot and puffy from crying. They looked up when I rolled in and came to my side immediately.

I could still hear the steady beeping of the heart machine, but it seemed be slowing down faster than before. I think they were trying to explain something to me, at least Charlie was, but I didn't hear a word of it.

I got out of my wheelchair and slowly walked to the side of my mother's hospital bed. I picked up her hand and held it for two hours.

At about 7 o'clock in the evening, the steady beeps slowed down until she flat lined. Nursing and doctors came rushing in, and my dad pulled me back away from them. Edward rushed into the room and carried me out of it, as they tried to revive her.

We sat in the waiting room for five minutes until the doctor came.

"I'm so sorry," was all I heard before I blacked out.


	20. Take One Breath

A/N: Okay I really hope this chapter is better than the last. I know I didn't put too much emotion into the last, and you may think that I didn't here, but that was kind of the point for this one. It took me a long time to write it like this, emotionless, like Bella is losing herself. So I really hope I got this right.

I don't own anything still, not even Take One Breath by The Spill Canvas (please check out this song if you have ever lost someone special. It's a beautiful song and has gotten me through some really tough times.)

* * *

The sun spilled over the horizon bringing light to the darkened forest behind the house. I watched as the flowers started to open up to the new spring air, and the buds on the tree began to show.

It was a beautiful day outside, and it was supposed to get better. The one day this week it wasn't supposed to rain; the weather was going to be warm with a slight breeze.

It was the kind of day you would want to go out and lay in the grass with your husband and just watch the day fade away. The kind of day that the saddest thought you had was how you missed your favorite show because you were outside.

My head fell back to the wall behind me. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again. It was like some cruel joke the world was playing on me.

I saw Edward walk through the doorway in a simple black suit with a black tie, through the reflection of the window. "Bella," he said softly putting his hand on my shoulder, "it's time to go."

I turned around slowly and Edward put his hand under my elbow to support my weight as he helped me get to my feet. My black dress fell to the floor as my legs straightened out, spinning around my bruised, skinny legs.

He slid his arm around my waist as we made our way downstairs where his family, my dad, Cassandra, and Phil were standing waiting for us. They were all dressed formal wearing somber faces, not talking or looking at anyone. Everyone seemed to be lost in his or her own thoughts.

It's like we've all be lost these past two days.

Charlie looked up as we made our way down the staircase, and rushed to meet us halfway to help me down. Then he and Edward helped me to the car slowly like we were marching to a funeral.

And that was exactly what we were doing.

After my mother, Renee, died two days ago everything going on around me hasn't made sense. I felt like the world should stop, or the weather get worse, but neither happen.

Each time the sunset, it would rise within 14 hours and everything would come back to life. People were still running around going about their daily business oblivious to the fact that their neighbor or a friend or a stranger had just lost the most important person in their life.

The flowers still bloomed as the weather grew warmer, and the rain finally let up. The floods started to clear as the puddles started to disappear all around Forks.

Everything went on as it had before. Except for things around me.

Alice planned everything for my mom because Phil had just gotten in and didn't know the area that well, Charlie was in shock and couldn't do much at all, and I was too weak to plan out everything for my mother's funeral.

Alice made sure the flowers were just right, that her clothing was ready for her to be buried in, that the funeral home was ready for her viewing, that her casket fit her, and that there was a plot next to my grandparents prepared for her.

Without her, I don't know what we could have done for my mother. No one in my family could accept the fact that she really was gone.

Sometimes I would wake up in the middle of the night thinking that I had a nightmare. Renee couldn't have died, she just forgot about dinner and was in her motel room getting ready to go to the airport the next day.

Then I would see my black dress hanging on the door and I knew that I didn't have a nightmare. I was living in one.

I sat staring out the window of Edward's car. I've barely said two words to anyone these past two days. I couldn't find anything I wanted to say. I've lost my best friend, my safe harbor, and my mother.

I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. Time seemed so irrelevant now that she was gone. Sometimes I felt as though I couldn't breath. Like I was suffocating through my own sorrow. Everything just seemed to be surrounding me like a house was collapsing all around me and there was no way to get out. It was just overwhelming.

_Take one breath_, I said to myself._ Now take another._

I closed my eyes and breathed in and out slowly. I needed to calm down. Thinking about everything going on around me made me feel like someone was holding me head under the water.

Taking a deep breath in, I opened my eyes slowly and noticed Edward watching me. I turned my attention to his warm honey-colored eyes. He gave me a small half smile and put his hand on my thigh.

"We'll get through this love. Just take on breath and then take another, until you feel like you're doing better," he said softly, turning his attention back to the road.

Funerals in real life aren't like the ones you see in the movies. We went to the funeral mass where Alice, Rosalie, Esme and I walked in front of my mother casket as Edward, Charlie, Phil, Carlisle, Emmett, and Jasper helped carry the casket to the front of the church.

We went through mass as normal, until it was time for the Eulogy the only thing I had to do. Edward helped me to the podium and stood near by, like a safety net almost. I felt like I could turn to him and take one breath and make it through.

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to muster the courage to begin. "My mother was unlike anyone I've ever met," my voice sounding so foreign to myself as I spoke softly into the microphone. "We were so different that it was hard to believe that for many years she was my best friend. Yet, somehow, our differences were the reason why we were so close. She was everything to me. She was my rock for so many years. I'll miss her so much.

"Two years ago, I was diagnosed with cancer," I said looking out into the crowd of my peers and their family who didn't know what I was living with. Then I looked over to Edward. Looking at him, seeing the love in his eyes that I still didn't understand how I got so lucky, was the only way I could continue. "When the doctor told me there is a great chance I will not live to see my high school graduation, my mother looked at him in the eyes and said that I will. Renee believed that I was strong enough to do anything. She believed that I would live for years and years and beat my cancer like some lucky people do. When they told my family the news, my mother went around and tried to be as normal as possible. She would still force me to go shopping with her, and she would still make me go to school and learn.

"Shortly after being diagnosed, I thought I should move in with my father to give him the time with me he never had. That was the hardest decision of my life. I was living my home in Phoenix. I was leaving my mother, my best friend, behind as well. She supported my decision, however, and would write to me every day I was here. When I went back down for the summer for Chemotherapy, she would still turn my painful months into a vacation. She somehow was able to make me laugh, even when I was in too much pain to walk. She was able to help me forget the fact that I'm dying. My mother," I said with my voice cracking, "was a saint when it came to dealing with everything I had going on. She was the least selfish person I have ever known. And I love her so much. I can't imagine getting this far in life without her by my side through the hardest time."

I took a deep breath, willing myself to hold it together. I looked over to Edward through glossy eyes and nodded to him that I was finished. He came over silently and helped me back down to my seat. Everyone around me was crying, except for the Cullens of course, but each one of them were biting their lip, their eyes full of pain and sorrow.

I looked over to the casket in front of us all, with tears falling down my cheeks. It still didn't make sense that my mother was gone, that she would never smile again. Looking at a casket that had her in it, made me feel like there really wasn't anyone looking after me. Where does it make sense to take away a dying girls mother away from her?

We made it to the cemetery when the clouds started to cover up the sky. This made everything for the Cullens a lot easier, but having Edward by my side did not make me feel comfort as it normally would. Nothing comforted me anymore.

We went inside the mausoleum while the pulp bearers carrying Renee's casket in our wake and took her to the front of the room where we could say our last goodbyes. We didn't get to see her lowered into the ground. We didn't throw dirt onto the casket as they lowered her to where we would see no more.

Instead we walked up, said our last goodbyes to the close casket, never to see her smiling face again or her eyes crinkle as she laughed at something. Never again would I see my mother cry, or feel her arms around me as she held me tight like she was afraid I would disappear.

Phil was the first to go up and pay his respects, followed by me, my dad, and Edward being her closest in kin after Phil. I watched as Phil touched his fingers to his lips and then place them on the head of the casket. He kept his fingers there for a heartbeat longer and then walked to the edge of the room and waited.

I slowly followed him, looking down at the dark brown casket. I stared down to where her head would be and I couldn't help but think that it should be me in there. I should be the one getting buried today, not her. Not my mother who had so much more life left in her.

I felt to light to stand, like I may float away into nothingness. I put my hand ungracefully onto my mother's casket to catch my balance. Edward was there in a moment and helped me away from her.

"No," I said soft, but urgently, "I cannot leave."

He looked down at me with pleading eyes, but knew that I was resolved. So he asked one of the workers to get me a chair which they did before Cassandra had left the casket.

Phil and I watched everyone said goodbye one last time, and we watched them all go outside the warm air. We didn't leave when the last person walked away. We couldn't stand to see them take her away for good.

"She shouldn't have died," I said quietly, as I choked back tears.

Phil sniffed, trying to gain control of his emotions before speaking. "No, she shouldn't have, but you can't change what has already happened."

"But you don't understand. I wasn't supposed to see her die. I should be in her place right now. She had so much more life to live. You two could have had your own family, your own life." I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "Phil, if it wasn't for me she would have never been on the road that night. If I didn't have to get married she would have stayed with you. She wouldn't have died."

Phil bent down in front of me and gripped my shoulders lightly, but with enough force to look up at him. "Never say that again Bella." I rolled my eyes at him and looked away. He shook me gently. "No, Bella listen to me. I will never blame you for what happened. It is not your fault. What happened to your mother was unfortunate and unfair, but life is not fair. If it was you would not have cancer and you would still have your mother by your side to see you graduate high school."

He took a deep breath and casted a backwards glance at the casket. "I loved your mother very much, and I love you like my own daughter even if we didn't have a lot of time together. I will always be here for you, no matter what you need. If you call me I will drop whatever I'm doing and come to you from wherever I am because it is what your mother would have wanted, and it's what I want."

I smiled at him through the tears in my eyes. "You were what my mother needed when I got sick. You were her rock and her savor. Thank you so much."

He smiled back at me and stood up, holding out his hand. I took it and rose slowly. Phil put his arm around my waist to support me as we took one last look at the woman we loved and walked out together.

In the following days I sat and watched the days fade away. Edward and Alice went to school like normal, and the rest of the family left me alone, not knowing how to talk to me and when they tried I did not respond. Not even to my husband.

I was slowly spiraling downward into a depression where no one could reach me. Phil had left to go back to his baseball training, telling me he had to do something or else he would be lost. I was beginning to understand the importance of keeping your mind occupied.

I couldn't do anything, though. My health was slipping away quicker and quicker. It seemed like the cancer would swallow me whole in a couple of weeks. My legs were becoming too thin and weak to be able to hold my body upright.

I would just lay on the windowsill wrapped up in a blanket and watch the sun rise and set, the rain fall and lightning crash. And yet, I would remain sitting watching the world go on around me, until Edward came home and carried me off to bed.

I could not be fazed. I refused to go on living if my mother was not. I couldn't go on without her in my life, pushing me through my illness.

"Isabella," Edward said sitting down across from me, two weeks after the funeral. "Isabella look at me."

I glanced over at him, seeming to look right past him before returning my gaze back to the birds sitting in the tree.

He put his fingertips under my chin and forced me to look at him. "Bella, my love, are you still in there?" he asked looking hopeless back at me. I could see the worry in his eyes that he has lost me, that I will not be able to overcome this lose.

He looked down and sighed still keeping my face in his hand. "Bella, you can't lose yourself. Please, love, you have to start trying to eat again."

"I'm not hungry, Edward," I said hoarsely.

He shook his head and got up in a storm. I was so taken aback by his sudden change in mood that I actually started to pay attention to him. He was angry with me. His shoulders were scrunched up and stiff, his jaw locked tight, his eyes narrowed.

He spun around and took a deep breath to calm himself down. But his fist clenched and the rest of his stayed stiff. "I know you are content to just waste away your life and letting your cancer take over you, Bella, but I am not. I will not sit by and watch you kill yourself because you cannot find a reason to live anymore now that Renee is gone."

I flinched at his words, but he continued without hesitation. "I cannot sit by anymore. I cannot come home from school and carry you off to bed like all of this is okay. I cannot pretend anymore, Bella. I love you more than I can bear, and seeing you like this causes my dead heart to ache."

He took two large strides and crouched down in front of me, taking my hands into his. "Don't you see that she wouldn't want you to act like this? Don't you see that she would want you to survive! She never wanted this for you."

"You don't know what she wanted," I said angrily through my tears. "We don't know what she could have wanted for me because she's dead Edward. She's gone and I'm still here when I should be the one in the ground."

"No, Bella, no. Renee has lived a life. Maybe not as long as most people these days, but she has lived longer than my parents. Don't you think that I understand what you are going through? My family died beside me and yet here I am, living as a monster when I should have died right beside them."

He gripped my hands a little tighter as he took an unnecessary breath. "You are too young to be going through something like this. You had to grow up faster than anyone your age had to. You were never given a chance to live a long life and have children. Renee was able to live a good life and have an amazing daughter like you. You should not mourn her death, but rejoice that she had a better chance of living than you were given.

"Life is a gift Bella, and that gift is easily taken away from us. Who knows it better than us," he said softly. "Carlisle was robbed of his life when he was only 23. Esme lost her baby and her life before she was 27. I was only 17 when I was supposed to die of the fever when my parents were only in their 30s dying beside me. Rosalie was attacked and killed when she was only 18, the same with Emmett. Jasper was robbed of his life when he was 18 as well, and still hasn't gotten over what he did. Alice doesn't even know what happened to her. All of us were taken from our human lives leaving our friends and family behind. Our lives were over in an instant, but yours, my love, has been hanging on by a thread. Your death has been looming over you and you've fought it so far. Please do not give up. Renee would not want you to give up, Bella!"

Edward let go of my hands and dropped his head. "I don't know what I will do if you die Bella. I cannot sit here and watch you die without trying to help you in some way. Think of your father, or Phil if you will not think of your husband. Think of what will happen to them if they saw you slip away into this depression."

I sniffed as tears poured down my cheek. I'd been so lost in my down sorrow that I did not realize what I was doing to Edward. I didn't think that I was affecting him this much, that I was causing him so much pain. It was like I forgot how so many other people cared about me. And that seeing me in pain would kill them just as much as my own pain was.

I placed cold, shaking hand on his cheek. He tipped his head slowly up. "I love you, Edward. Please don't think that I do not," my voice broke as tears dripped off my chin. "I just miss her so much."

He gathered me into his arms and held me close. "I know love," he said kissing the top of my head as I cried into his shoulder. "I know."


	21. You Found Me

A/N: Sorry it has taken me so long. I wasn't sure what to do next since it seemed like just a definite stopping point almost. But I got it back on direction. My Beta did not edit this chapter so sorry if it's a little raw. So let me know what you think.

I don't own anything, not even You Found Me by The Fray

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There are moments when you wake up and you just lay in bed, unable to move because you're so comfortable, or because you just don't want to leave the dreamland you were in and walk into reality.

In those moments you may turn your head to see someone beside you, and you just wonder how you got to where you are. Maybe they are a loved one, maybe they are a mistake, maybe they are a friend, or maybe you're still dreaming and see that one person you are missing the most.

The sun started to bath the room in light, causing my eyes to flutter open to a room that was so familiar, but at the same time so foreign to me. I took a deep breath, thinking about the day I had ahead-the life that was suffocating me.

It doesn't make sense I know that. I chose this life. I chose my husband and where I live. I decided on all of this, going against everything I was brought up on. Now, however, I felt trapped.

I love my husband; I loved him probably from the moment I laid eyes on him. I will never stop loving him for as long as I live. So why my brain is thinking this while my heart is screaming its disagreements doesn't make any sense.

It's been three weeks since my mother, Renee, died in a car accident. In those three weeks Edward has been pulling me out of the darkness with all the strength he had. But it's not enough it will never be enough.

I should have never left my mother. I shouldn't have come to live with Charlie just because I was sick. My mother raised me; she fed me and clothed me. She and Phil paid for most of my medical treatment, not once complaining about the cost or even worrying about having enough money for themselves.

I was selfish though. I did what I wanted when I got sick. I stopped my treatments, I moved away, I fell in love and go married before I even turned 18 and moved out of my father's house. I didn't care what my parents thought because I thought that I had to live my life, experience everything I could before I died.

I shouldn't have cared. Family is the most important thing. The Cullen's understand that; Edward is always telling me how important his family is and how Carlisle saved him countless times from becoming a coldblooded murderer.

I never understood it, though. I started to just pity myself. Thinking I would never experience anything and I thought that I was okay with that. But you never realize what something really is and it what it means to you until you lose it.

Losing my mother was harder than facing the reality of death. It was something I couldn't accept. I could say it was okay; I could act like each day it was getting easier for me to go on with my life. I could fake it all. But it would never be okay.

These thoughts have been have been suffocating me for the past two weeks. The first week I was completely numb. I didn't feel anything; it felt like I was just floating along, watching people live their lives as I slowly started to fade in the background.

Then Edward brought feeling back into my life. He pulled me out of the water, even though sweet suffocating was a fine temptation to me. Every day he pulls me further away from the shadows calling me to stop fighting and just let my sickness consume me.

As hard as I try to fight, however, every day is just getting harder for me. I have lost all motivation. You would think my husband and the life I could have with him would be motivating enough, but it's not.

I feel terrible even thinking this knowing that he's right beside me watching me struggle with my internal conflict. I almost feel like smiling just picturing his face full of frustration and annoyance not being able to read my mind.

I do love him; I just can't be with him knowing that I am going to die. It's not fair to him. He's wasting time on me. I know he thinks that maybe he can save me, but I have gotten to the point where I don't even want to be saved anymore.

There is no more beauty in the world. No more reason to live. I am not numb to life going on around, but rather indifferent. I don't care if I lose all my hair. I don't care if I die in pain. I just don't care anymore.

"Isabella," Edward whispered brushing the hair out of my face as he propped himself up on one of his elbows. "What is going through that beautiful head of yours?"

My eyes met his. Soon the smile was wiped off of his face seeing the sorrow and pain in my eyes. "Nothing and everything."

He leaned down and kissed me softly on my forehead. "Come with me love." He was suddenly on my side of the bed pulling me up out of bed.

"Edward," I said rolling my eyes I slowly stood up straight, stretching out my sore limbs, "I'm not really in the mood to do anything right now."

He arched his eyebrow and swept me up into his arms. "Bella, you can't see the beauty of life. You lost all meaning of the word."

I leaned my head against his chest, already running out of energy. "Edward, I haven't lost all meaning of the word. I am just too tired to do anything today, really. This isn't a good day."

He held me closer as we walked out the door. "I know love, but this isn't something that can wait until tomorrow. I have to bring you back to this world, away from your sorrow and pain. I have to do it now before it is too late."

And out the front door we went.

He ran faster than I have ever seen before. It was like he was racing against time; afraid that I would die at any minute if he did make it wherever we were going within a couple of minutes.

Then as fast as we were going, we stopped just as fast.

We were by a creek in a valley. A place I have never seen before. The sun shone over the leaves that were just starting to bloom on the tree. The creek babbled along, occasionally crashing into the rocks that protruded the surface.

Birds started to tweet back and forth to each other as rabbits and squirrels hopped around the bank. The whole scene looked like something from a fairytale, like we were in an enchanted forest in a land far, far away where cancer, vampires, and dead mothers never happened.

It was just Edward and me alone in the world.

"Wow," I said softly as he set me down on the ground. "How is this the first time I am seeing this?"

Edward chuckled beside me as he laid down in the grass, completely relaxed as the sun hit his skin changing his whole appearance. "This place is something I was saving."

"Saving for what?" I asked lying down next to him, resting my head on his chest.

He shrugged. "Just a special occasion, but I needed you to see this before it was too late."

I tilted my head, trying to figure out what he meant. Unfortunately that is like trying to understand the laws of nature. Impossible.

Edward wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer to him. I winced even if his touch was as light as a feather. I was getting progressively weaker and every joint in my body was sore, a little over 50% of my body was probably bruised, and my skin was turning yellow.

My time was limited. Soon I'll be stuck in bed, hooked up to all kinds of tubes and machines. I don't see how Edward expects me to find the beauty in things when all kinds of gloomy, dark days are ahead of me.

"Whatever you are thinking Bella, please stop and just live in the now," he whispered rubbing my arm.

I turned my head up to him to see that his eyes were still closed with not a worry in his face. "It's hard to live in the now when all you have to look forward to is getting nutrition from an IV."

Suddenly he was sitting up staring down at me as I still laid on the ground. I hadn't even realized that he set me down carefully before sitting up, he was that fast.

"I know how hard it is to think about a life in a hospital. I've been there; I've felt that way. But you can't sit there and just think about what's to come because it will weaken you more than it already has. You have to try and fight this; you have to try and live Bella. You still have so much more life in you even if you do have this deadly disease eating away your youth."

He stood up, scooping me into his arms. We then walked down the hill we were on towards the creek. He set me down next him on a rock at the edge of the bank. He placed his hand in front of my eyes and whispered in my ear, "This is all you are seeing Bella. You are blinded by tragedy."

He took away his hands exposing my eyes the sun shining off the water, causing the leaves in the trees to be reflected off of it. I saw the wild flowers swaying gently to the wind as bees buzzed around them. "This is what you need to see," he said softly as he wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my neck.

While nothing that just happened made my life seem okay, somehow Edward was able to wake me up from the comatose I was in. I started to see the beauty in the world that was recently only grey. The color started to bleed through the canvas making everything much brighter.

"There are so many things to live for Bella. You need to live fore you dad, Cassandra, and Phil."

I turned around in his arms wrapping my arms around his neck. "I don't need to live for them, Edward. I need to live for myself, and for the life I want to build with you. Meeting you gave me reason to get up in the morning. Just with everything that has happened lately made me lose sight of that."

A smile spread across his face as he bent down to kiss me softly on the lips. I could feel the passion and heat in the kiss, even though it was a soft, sweet kiss. And as much as I wanted to cling to him and have a kiss the movies would be jealous of, I didn't have the strength to even try.

When he broke away it seemed to take all the strength he had. He seemed to have felt the same fiery passion that I felt. Edward kissed my forehead before pulling me into his chest as he rest his head on top of mine.

"I love you, Bella. I will do anything I can to help you remember that there are things worth living for."

I nodded into his chest, snuggling my way further into his chest. The way I felt in his arms just then was like nothing in the world could hurt me. Almost like everything in the world stood still and my illness wasn't killing me slowly. I felt safe. I felt as though we were in our own world.

Edward and I stayed in the valley for hours, just lying in each other's arms. At one point I ended up falling asleep under the warmth of the sun. When I woke back up the sun was setting and it was probably the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I shivered in Edward's arms. He suddenly produced a wool blanket that was lying beside him, wrapping it around me before taking me back into his arms.

"It's so beautiful," I whispered nuzzling back into his chest.

Edward kissed the top of my head before resting his chin on it. "It is isn't it?"

Then a thought crossed my mind. I angled me head so that I could get a good look at his face. "What did you mean earlier when you said you were saving this place for another time."

I could see him working hard to keep his composure, trying not to give away any emotions. He clearly wasn't planning on telling me the truth. He turned his head to look me in the eyes and sighed. "I was going to save it for any special occasion that came our way. Maybe our anniversary or graduation."

I raised my eyebrow seriously doubting this. Whose to say I would even make it another year. Everyone is shocked that I am still alive now, but a year from now? That's basically impossible.

"Edward, be serious."

He quickly repositioned me so that I wasn't straining my neck and shook his head at me. "Bella who is to say that you won't live for another year? I know things haven't been looking great, but once you start wanting to fight again I think that you will be able to get your strength up enough to remain human for at least another year."

"Edward do you realize that every day I get weaker. Every day there are new bruises showing up on my body, my skin starts getting more discolored because my organs are probably starting to fail. Every day the days I will be alive gets shortened."

"But you cannot give up Bella! You _need_ to find the will to fight! You _need_ to tell yourself that you will survive; that you will get better."

"That's easier said than done Edward," I said shifting my gaze back to the creek.

He put his fingertips under my chin, turning my eye back to his. "Bella, you can do this. If you just let Carlisle start treatment on you…."

"No."

"Bella, I know it's hard to go through that. I know the pain you will go through and all the energy you will give up, but isn't it worth it if you can slow everything down and live longer?"

"I can't go through that anymore."

Edward fierce gaze from the heated conversation immediately softened. He cupped my face and kissed me softly on the lips. "You are the strongest person I know, love. After going through everything you have in the past year and yet you're still able to walk around and find beauty in the things-"

"Only because you've been able to bring me back each time I've given up hope," I said interrupting him.

"But it's you who allowed me to do so. If you really didn't want to be saved, you simple wouldn't have," he urged me. "Bella, if you allow Carlisle to begin treatment on you again your life will be lengthened. I know that your cancer has spread, but it's still in an early stage where you can still walk around and live outside of a bed."

"I just don't know if I can take the pain anymore," I said softly.

He wrapped me in his arms keeping me very close to him. "You are a lot stronger than you think love," he whispered in my ear before kissing my shoulder. "You can do this."

I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly thinking about Edward's words. Could I do this all again? Would I be able to deal with the pain, the loss of my hair, laying in bed for God knows how long as I recovery? Is it worth it?

Yes it is. The one thing I promised Renee before she died was that I would do everything I could to live my life out to the fullest. That I would try to graduate high school; that I would try to be there for Charlie as long as I could.

Although, Renee promised me that she would be there for Charlie when my time came. At least he has Cassandra now.

"I'll try it out once. If it's too much-"

"Then I won't bring it up again and we'll figure out what to do next when that time comes," he said pulling me closer to him. "I love you, Bella."

"I love you, Edward." I sighed deciding how to go about my next question. I needed the truth. "Now what did you mean when said 'remain human for at least another year'?"

He did say anything for a couple of minutes. It was like I could hear his mind trying to find away around this question. He didn't mean to let it slip, that much I could tell for sure. Now that it did, however, he knew I wouldn't let it go until I got the answer I wanted.

He took a deep breath, letting it out in a rush. "I've wanted to talk to you about this for awhile now, but with everything that has been happening I wasn't sure how to bring it up."

"Edward what are you talking about?"

"I want to turn you when the time comes."


	22. Gotta Know You're

A/N: Sorry it has taken me longer to update this story than my others. I've been having a hard time writing this chapter because it is the beginning of the end for this story. That's right. This story is coming to a close.

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**Edward's POV**

No matter how much I never wanted to admit it, I wanted to turn Bella the moment I was able to think straight after first getting hit with her scent. There was just something about her that made me start to believe in love again. I had always loved her, I just couldn't find her.

I never wanted it to come to this, though. I hoped that she wouldn't return my love so that I wouldn't have to damn her to a life of hell, but I didn't really make that easy on her.

When I realized that something was off about her scent, I just wanted to be around her all the time, to try to figure her out. She was the first flaw in my curse. The only person I could not 'hear'. Because of my curiosity, I didn't give her a chance to fall in love with anyone else.

Watching her closely from faraway and learning of her illness made me realize how strong she was and just how much I loved her. It wasn't fair, but I wanted to be with her for eternity.

I fought with myself a lot about the whole thing. The demon side of me telling me it was the right thing to do so that she could actually live out a lot of human experiences she was going to miss because of her untimely death.

However, the better part of me told myself that it wasn't fair to her. She would have to see everyone she loved die, and she would have to live on for an eternity never growing old, never changing.

My inner battle caused Renee's death. If I had changed her sooner, then she wouldn't have suffered as much as she was. She wouldn't be in pain and slowly dying. Her mother would still be alive and living with Phil in Florida, and Bella may have had more time to prepare herself for her mother's death.

I was the idiot who cause it all. I refused to turn her. I damn her to living out her life in pain! Barely being able to get up in the morning because her legs were too weak to carry her small, fragile body.

I was selfish. I wanted to marry her. I wanted her to have a human marriage in front of her family and friends. It caused her mother to come to town, and then in turned get into a car crash and die.

I indirectly murdered the love of my existence's mother.

Then I decided to torment her and confess that all I have ever wanted to do was change her.

The rest of my existence, I will never forget the betrayal in her eyes. After telling her so many times that I would never turn her, it took her mother dying to finally admit the dark thoughts clouding my mind.

She looked horrified. However, she agreed to start up chemotherapy. In a way I think she want to get better so that maybe I will go back on my word. When Renee died, Bella died. She didn't want to deal with anyone. She may still love me, but I wasn't what she needed. I couldn't motivate her anymore.

As she laid on the bed with an IV in her arm, Carlisle administered another dose of her chemo. She looked so peaceful in her sleep even though a poison was being injected into her bloodstream.

I wanted to save her. But at this point, only she could save herself. The chemo wasn't going to cure her; the venom from my teeth wouldn't save her. If she could just find a way to accept everything that is happen and somehow be able to move on with that then I have no doubt that she will be able to find peace that she needs.

I brushed a piece of hair out of her face wishing and hoping that she will be able to find that peace she needs. Of course, I hope that the peace she needs is with me, but I understand if it is not.

We fell in love so fast, got married before she turned 18. In my time it was acceptable and most of the time expected, but nowadays it was unheard of and looked down on.

Bella put herself in a protective shell were she would not allow anyone to really see the her true self. She's been always. However, when she met me she told me the way I looked into her eyes she could tell that I was someone who would never hurt her; someone who she could actually trust.

I had been honored, but I worried that maybe it was too soon for her. Maybe I pushed her into opening p faster than she was ready. I probably didn't think about her opinion, didn't wonder if it was too fast for her.

I feel as though maybe her soul wasn't fitting into mine as much as I thought it did.

A few hours later Bella stirred turning her eyes on me. "Hey," she whispered, stretching a little bit.

"Hey love," I said brushing my thumb along her jaw line. "How do you feel?"

She shrugged, leaning into my touch, giving me hope that maybe she still loved me as much as I loved her, even after all the pain I caused her. "I feel a little weak," she said softly. "And even after how much I just slept I still feel tired."

I smiled hoping to hide the worries in my eyes. "The effects will wear off soon love. You'll feel stronger in a couple of days."

She opened her eyes and looked up at me with a pained expression. "Edward…" she said weakly.

"No Bella, please don't think like that," I said quieting her, already knowing where her thought was going to go. "You can fight this, you can get stronger."

She smiled sadly up at me. "No I can't Edward and you know that. The fact that I have lived this long is a miracle."

I whipped away the stray tear that escaped her eye. "The reason you have been living is because you have been fighting. The day we got married I saw that spark in your eyes that showed me that you were going to fight this till the end. But now… now I see that spark fading. I can see you giving up on the fight."

"I never meant to give up Edward. It's just been so hard."

"I know sweetheart. I know."

"I'm just so tired Edward."

I brushed back her hair, continually running my hand comfortingly through it. There is so much I want to give her, but I'm afraid I'm too late. All she wants is for this to be over. Not just the pain and the constant battle.

She just wanted to rest. She wanted to sleep. She wanted death. Death was her vacation, her escape from all the suffering she had to endure on this earth. It's her happy ending, just like all of ours. However, she deserves it much more than anyone else.

She's fought for two years now to stay alive, to take care of her family's needs. She hid it from all her friends and myself for months. She barely let it affect her as she went to school. And it's taken a toll on her.

She had so much to live for. She had so much promise. But all of that was robbed from her the moment she found out she had cancer. Yet, she could have easily let it defeat her. She could have given up and blamed the world for giving her this misfortune.

Instead she did what was right. She went to spend whatever time she had left with her father, while sparing her mother the heartache of watching her only daughter suffer. In many ways, Bella moving up to Forks was a way to prepare her mother for the future. She loved Renee that much.

No one saw how much it hurt her to leave her mother. No one saw how much she just wanted the battle to be over. She never let anyone see that weakness.

δ

She was slowly getting better. The chemotherapy took so much out of her; we stopped the treatments halfway through the week. Yet, that little amount of time seemed to help her.

And I regretted it.

"Edward, look at me," she said weakly placing a hand on the side of my face as we sat by the window.

I glanced up at her. Her expression barely changed from the tiredness she was feeling, but right now it was full of concern, which immediately put me on awareness. "What's wrong love?"

She sighed, closing her eyes like she couldn't believe I was asking her that. "There is nothing wrong with me out of the usual. So, stop worrying about me and tell me what's on your mind."

"What do you mean?"

"This past week you have been in deep thought every minute I'm awake. So tell me what's on your mind Edward? What are you thinking?"

"Nothing you have to worry about Bella," I said softly as I kissed the top of her head.

She rolled her eyes at me, not believing me for a second. "Edward be serious."

"I am completely serious."

She shook her head vigorously. "No, you're hiding something from me. You've been thinking about _it_ haven't you?"

She didn't need to elaborate on what _it_ was. Her possible death was looming over us more than ever. And my silence was the answer.

"Edward," she sad with a small smile, "I don't want to leave you anymore than you want me to leave. I know it may seem like I just want everything to be over, but I don't want to leave you. We just got married," she scoffed. "Why would I want to leave my husband already?"

"I know that Bella, don't think that I believe you want to leave me," I said placing my hands over one of her's. "I love you so much, and I just want… I don't know. I want you to be happy, content."

""I haven't been content in two years."

I sighed, hanging my head. Why would I believe that she could be content with this illness hanging over her head? I was selfish to believe otherwise.

I felt her hand running through my hair, urging me to look back at her. "You didn't let me finish," she said with a small smile when my eyes met hers. "I haven't been content in two years, until I felt your arms around me on our wedding night. That was the first time since the doctor told me I had cancer where I actually felt numb."

She sighed, letting her head fall back against the back of the rocking chair she was settled in. "That night was the first time where I could forget about the bruises covering my body. I could forget about the pain and stiffness I feel in all of my joints. Being with you, like that, is my happiness. It is where I feel content with my life."

"I love you, you know that?" I asked softly brushing my thumb across her cheek.

"I love you too, which is why I am ready for anything you may want."

"What do you mean Bella?"

"I mean that if you want to save me and turn me into a vampire, well, that would be a dream come true."

"But Bella…"

"No, Edward, listen. I know at first I was furious with you for even suggesting it now since everything happened with Renee. At points, I am still mad that you wanted until now to tell me what you were thinking. But I can't hide the fact that I'm overjoyed that you want me to be your wife for eternity."

"Bella, I have never loved anyone until I met you. Why would I want to live life without you?"

She shrugged shyly. "Just all this time that you've known about my sickness, and how many times you've told me you loved me, not once did you mention that you wanted me for eternity. So a girl starts to wonder if you were-"

I quickly silenced her doubt with a kiss. "Bella, since the moment I met you I never wanted to be without you. All I have wanted to do was protect you and love you in any way possible. You are my everything Bella."

"That's why I am ready," she said softly. "I'm ready for the pain to stop. I'm ready to always be with you."

I stood up taking her into my arms. "You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear you say that.

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A/N: Okay I know this chapter was short, but I really wanted to get it out there since it's taken me so long to write this. Sorry. I got stuck and then school just got so overwhelming. I hope to update this soon, but if not I only have four more weeks of school and then I'll be able to update all the time!

The next chapter is also going to be in Edward's point of view. Then I'm thinking one or two more chapters after that, and then it's a wrap! So I hope you have enjoyed my story. You guys have been awesome!


	23. Forever and Almost Always

A/N: Previously on A Walk to Eternity: Bella's mother has died and she has been getting weaker and weaker by the minute. Edward had told her that he had wanted to change her from day one, but didn't because he thought it would be better for her to have as human of a life as possible. In the previous chapter, Bella told Edward that she was ready to be turned, that she wanted it. And that is where this chapter picks up. Everything is leading up to Bella's new life.

I don't own anything. Never have never will.

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**Edward's POV**

"_The chief beauty about time_

_is that you cannot waste it in advance._

_The next year, the next day, the next hour are lying ready for you,_

_as perfect, as unspoiled,_

_as if you had never wasted or misapplied_

_a single moment in all your life._

_You can turn over a new leaf every hour_

_if you choose."_

~Arnold Bennett

It was almost time; almost time to start, not a new chapter, but a new book in my everlasting existence. Everything was about to change. Everything I had ever hoped for, ever dreamed over, ever wanted. It was about to become reality. It was going to finally light up my world of darkness.

Bella was starting to forgive herself for her mother's death. While it was in no fault of her own for the misfortune, it was something she couldn't help but blame herself for. She was moving on, she wanted to live again.

However, it was impossible for her to _live_, I mean truly live, in her condition. Her form of leukemia was eating her away faster, and faster each day she fought it. It consumed her every thought, every emotion, every dream. She was exhausted, everyday fighting a constant battle she could never overcome.

Soon it will crumble her. Soon it will kill her.

She was so tired, barely arousing for more then a few hours before collapsing back into her comatose state. Yet she continued to fight on. Many times I believed she was fighting for our love, just as much as for herself. But she couldn't keep fighting; she didn't have the strength.

She made it clear to me that she was ready. She was ready to give up her life as a human, and join me in a life condemned to the shadows. She wanted nothing more than the pain to stop, nothing more then the battle to be over. Yet, she still wanted to live. She wanted a life outside of the illness, outside of the struggle.

She wanted to be with me for eternity. She wanted to live her life a thousand times without fear, without pain.

I want to spare her, protect her, from the pain that comes with the transformation. But there was no way around it. She was going to suffer for three days. A terrible feeling of burning alive to replace her aches and pains of everyday life she has grown so accustomed to. I don't know if I could bare the thought of hearing her scream and beg for me to end her life than allow her to suffer this pain.

There was no way around it. Unless…

I rushed to Carlisle's study. He was sitting there staring idly at a transcript lying on his desk. He didn't even bother to look up and see who barged into his room with no notice, acting as though the world was going to end at any moment. "Edward."

"Carlisle I cannot bare to see Bella go through the pain we had to endure to become what we are," I rushed out as I took a seat opposite of him.

"Son, no one wants to see Bella go through that pain after everything she has already gone through, but I'm afraid there is no way around it if you want to turn her," he said calmly, putting his pen down and folding his hands together as he looked up at me.

"But what if there was a way?"

"What are you thinking Edward?"

"Would it be possible to put her into a medically induced coma? Or use as much morphine as we can so she would barely be able to feel it?"

Carlisle sat still for a moment. Processing everything. _With the amount of drugs she has been taking, and her weak state… Edward I don't know how much more she could handle,_ he thought staring at me.

"It's finally happening!" Alice sang springing into the room.

"Carlisle," I said ignoring Alice's flittering motions as she sat on Carlisle's desk waiting patiently to see how everything was going to happen, "I won't be able to be by her side listening to her pained screams. Not for three days. I would go mad."

"Alice?" Carlisle asked staring up curiously at my sister.

"_Bella," Carlisle said coming into view, "we'll be seeing you in three days. I promise you, you will never feel pain again after that."_

"_Mmm," my love sighed, closing her eyes before turning her head towards me, "sounds like heaven."_

_I smiled at her as Carlisle injected the syringe into her IV. Slowly I watched her eyes started to droop. "I love you," she whispered before drifted off._

"_I love you," I whispered before kissing her softly on the forehead._

"_How long will the medicine work?" Alice asked coming into view._

"_Maybe two days, if Edward's venom doesn't eat away the affects sooner," Carlisle said checking her vitals._

"_Could we-"_

_Suddenly, Alice was interrupted by Bella's heart monitor. She was flat lining._

"What did you give her Carlisle?" I yelled coming out of the vision with Alice.

"I'm assuming she wouldn't have made it," he said calming, ignoring my outburst.

"Within three minutes she flat lined," Alice said just as calmly.

I took a deep breath, trying, and failing, to calm myself down. How could they be calmly discussing the future if my wife's death was in it? Did they not realize that there is only so much of Bella's suffering I can take before I, myself, want to die. If I have to see her go through any more pain than she already is I will go insane.

"Edward, don't do anything rash," Alice said, snapping me out of my thoughts. Apparently she had just seen me pick up my chair and throwing it against the bookshelves. That would have been a mess to clean up, and Carlisle would not have been very happy with the outcome of some of his books.

I rolled my eyes at her and looked back at Carlisle. "What were you thinking about giving her that didn't work?"

"Truthfully, I don't even know. I hadn't even begun to try to figure out what drugs we could give her so that she wouldn't feel the pain, but it wouldn't kill her. Morphine would work-"

"You weren't using Morphine in my vision," Alice piped in.

"Well, then I supposed Morphine would work, but there is only so much her body can take at this point. I would be surprised if the affects lasted for more than a day."

"So she would still be in pain for most of it," I said slowly. "It will work. She won't die for it."

Alice scrunched her face up, annoyed that I didn't allow her to share the 'good' news. "Well, I am going to see if Bella needs anything, since you clearly do not need me anymore," she said shortly before gliding out of the room.

"Two days is too long Carlisle."

"I know Edward. None of use can bare the thought of her experiencing the pain, but there isn't much else we can do in this situation." He stood up then and walked around his desk placing a hand on my hand. "The way I look at it is that it is only two days. After two years of living in constant pain as her body began to shut down, two days of pain will bring her an eternity of feeling numb. She will get an eternity to forget about her pain as a human."

"I'm not worried about her making it through the pain. I know she will be able to. She's an extremely strong person. I'm worried I won't be able to make it through these two days. As selfish as that sounds, I cannot bare the thought of it."

"It won't be easy. Nothing is ever easy, Edward. The hardest thing I think I ever had to do was watch you go through the pain of being turned. You were the first one I had turned. A part of me was worried that you weren't going to make it, that the influenza was stronger than my venom.

"However, the hardest part is knowing that there is nothing you can do. It's knowing that you caused that pain and you have to watch their body shut down as the venom over takes it."

"Carlisle, I really don't know what I would have done if I didn't come to you," I said sarcastically as I got up to leave.

He put a hand on my shoulder, urging me to turn around. "You didn't let me finish. While it is a horrible feeling to bear, the joy that comes after is worth it. You are going to give Bella a completely different life. She will actually be able to live."

I closed my eyes and sighed. "You're right. It's just hard to think about putting her through this pain after she has been through so much already."

He nodded solemnly. "The rewards that come after, however," he said letting the rest go unsaid.

I smirked as I walked out of his room towards my bedroom where we set up everything for Bella. Esme was sitting with her when I walked in. She was talking calmly with her about nothing of consequence.

I leaned against the door jam, watching Esme's face light up about something she was telling Bella. She smiled and laughed with Esme before she caught a glimpse of my out of the corner of her eye.

She eye warmed with love and her heart fluttered with excitement as she smiled at me. Esme followed her eyes and smiled warmly at me. _I'm so happy you two will finally get your happily-ever after_, she thought as she made her way out of the room.

I kissed Bella softly on the lips before sitting down on the edge of her bed. "It's almost time love."

"I know," she whispered as she looked towards the window. Her heart thudded a little louder than normal.

"Hey, what's the matter?" I asked running my thumb across her cheek, feeling the blood rush toward the area in my wake. I think I'll miss that the most.

She shook her head. "Nothing out of the usual."

"Bella," I said softly, but firmly, as I put my finger under her chin, forcing her to look at me. "Tell me."

"I'm nervous," she said casting her eyes down.

"About the pain?"

She laughed humorlessly. "I've never been worried about the pain. While I know it will be worse than what I am feeling now, at least this will have light at the end of the tunnel. I can make it through the pain because I know that I will be alive, really alive, when it's all over."

"Then what are you nervous about?"

"Us. That we won't… that you won't…"

"Bella, look at me." She lifted her eyes up to meet mine slowly. "Whatever you are worried about that involves us, don't be. Nothing is going to change the way I feel about you. I have loved you since the moment our eyes met for the first time. Of course I will not love you the same when you wake up, but that's only because my love for you grows every day. I love you more than I did on our wedding night and I will love you more tomorrow than I do today. Just because you are no longer human does not mean I will not love you anymore."

"But-"

"No," I said shortly, cupping her face gently, "don't even think it. I do not care if you have a pulse or not. You are the love of my existence, Isabella Swan."

"Cullen," she said with a small smile.

"What?"

"My name is Isabella Cullen now," she said giggling.

I laughed along with her. Some times it is still hard for me to believe that this amazing woman would want to be my wife.

"I missed that," she said softly, placing a fragile hand on my cheek.

"What?" I asked, calming down, and kissing the inside of her palm.

"Your laugh. It's been a very long time since I've seen you so at ease."

"I know, love, and I'm sorry. Soon I won't have to worry as much."

She raised an eyebrow at me skeptically. "I doubt that."

I laughed again. "Hey, I can relax. There are many things I like to do when I'm at ease."

She gave me a mischievous smile, running her hand slowly down my arm. "When I'm strong I would love to be apart of that."

I smiled down at her. "When you're strong," I promised. I kissed her softly on the lips again with the promise of what's to come hanging in the air.

"When is everything happening?" she whispered.

I leaned my forehead against hers, brushing her cheeks with my thumbs. "In a couple of minutes. Carlisle is getting everything together."

"What else do I need?"

"We are going to give you Morphine to help ease the pain for a day at least."

She nodded, taking a deep breath. Her heart began to pump faster and louder. Her breaths became shallower and faster as well. Her nerves were increasing. "I don't know why I am getting so nervous," she said giving a nervous giggle.

"Hey, shh, now, shh. Everything is going to be okay Bella. I won't leave your side for a minute," I said soothingly.

"Promise?"

"Promise."

At that moment Carlisle came into the room, wheeling in a crash cart that held everything necessary for the upcoming events. I sat up and took Bella's hand into mine. She weak hand gave mine a little squeeze as she stared expectantly up at Carlisle.

"Are you ready Isabella?" he asked taking a syringe out of the first drawer.

She nodded as she took a deep breath. She turned her head towards the wall as Carlisle filled the syringe with Morphine.

"Edward you may want to get on her other side. As soon as the affects start you will have to administer your venom as fast as possible."

I nodded and moved to her side. I kissed the top of her head and brushed back her hair. "I'll be right here when you wake up, love."

She nodded, smiling sadly up at me. "See you in three days."

Carlisle then injected the needle into her, feeding her system the drug. "I love you," she whispered as her eyes began to droop.

"I love you," I whispered back kissing her on her lips.

"Now," Carlisle said as he left the room.

I cupped my wife's face tilting her head to the side. I took a deep breath, allowing the venom to fill my mouth. Then I sunk my teeth into her neck.


End file.
